h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

[YK enters the ventilation shaft of Y2K's mansion from outside. He is wearing blue jeans, black shirt, red jacket, H2G2 satchel, and a holster-like pouch. He carefully avoids a security alarm lazer as he climbs up to the third floor. He carefully avoids a criscross of security alarm lazers as he crosses to another shaft, this one leading up to floor six. He then deliberately triggers the next lazer he comes across. Alarms go off]

[Y2K] WHAT THE ZARK IS GOING ON!?

[Y3K] We caught it all on camera. YK deliberately triggered a lazer alarm, as the camera was turning to him.

[Y4C] He's going up another floor, sir.

[YK follows a path that triggers every single lazer on the floor, goes up one more floor, and opens the satchel. Inside are four cats: the white and tan one is Hotsper, the black and grey tabby is Casper, the albino is Esper, and the completely black one is Ophelia]

[YK] Hotsper, you go that way.

[He releases Hotsper, who mrowls in assent, and ascends another floor]

[YK] Casper, thataway.

[Casper jumps out and YK goes up another floor]

[YK] You're up, Esper.

[He drops Esper on the floor of the vent shaft and then climbs upward some more]

[YK] Ophelia, you.

[Ophelia scrambles away. YK ascends some more]

[Security Bot 1] Sir, they've split up into five!

[Y2K] Track them all.

[Security Bot 2] Doing that.

[Y2K] Whoever it is will be sorry.

[The statement Y2K just made is wrong in all respects.]

[YK jumps out of a vent shaft and hides behind a computer bank, drawing a Nerf crossbow with suction darts and his towel from his satchel. Before too long, a BR-10 security droid flies through the area and YK fires the crossbow in front of it. It immediately follows the dart to see what the hell it is and where it thinks it is going. YK catches it in his satchel, takes out the emotion cartridge, makes some modifications to it, and replaces it. The droid pops up delightedly]

[Droid] YK, sir! I'm so happy to see you!

[Y2K] What's going on!? Why have the security systems gone dormant!?

[First BR-10] Systems dormant.

[BS-12] Sir, a BR-10 reports being very happy with the situation.

[Y2K] Hmm...

[YK enters an express elevator, droid in tow. The walls and door are made of plexiglass, and are very transparent]

[YK] I think I'll call you Colin...

[Colin] I burble with delight!

[Elevator] Where to, boys?

[YK] Floor 20.

[Elevator] Sure thing.

[The elevator goes up one floor]

[Elevator] Floor 20. Here you go.

[The doors open and several nasty-looking BS-12's are there, pointing dirty-looking weapons at him]

[First BS-12] Out!

[YK shrugs and exits. The droids rush into the elevator to look for him on lower levels. YK smiles and pats Colin, who croons]

[YK looks at the door at the end of the corridor. He runs toward it, jumps, and somersaults in midair. He smashes through the door, grabs hold of the comic book rack on wheels, rides this across the room, and crashes it into a floor lamp, knocking it over. Colin enters after him]

[Y2K points his lightsaber at YK]

[Y2K] YK, I presume.

[YK leaps over Y2K and knocks him over the helmet]

[YK] Correct as usual, King Friday! The reason I came here was so I could repay that bet I made. You said I wouldn't meet Link's consort before I turned 15. I'm 15. I haven't met Link's consort yet. [frowns] I think.

[Y2K] I see. [takes the proffered money] What have you done to that robot?

[Colin is rolling around in ecstasy on the ceiling]

[YK] I've made it very happy. It gets happier when it does something I tell it to. Really, Darth, I was under the impression that you'd have robots with emotion cartriges that aren't compatible with [holds up the two devices he used to modify the emotion cartrige] a Gameboy Color and a GameShark.

[Y2K] We were going to change it, [he fumes,] ten seconds after you tripped the alarm.

[YK] [infuriating smile] Well, I guess I'm pretty zarking lucky, aren't I?

[The shirt, by the way, is an official H2G2 T-shirt]

[Y2K] Perhaps; perhaps not.

[A BS-12 with a rocket launcher enters; Y2K grabs YK and holds him in front of the droid's aim]

[Y2K] Got 'im.

[YK jumps backward, crashing Y2K into a rocket-proof window. They both fall to the floor behind Y2K's desk. YK pops up, boggles, ducks down again, and therefore avoids getting blown to bits by the rocket the BS-12 fires at the window, which shatters. The blast of air blows papers, comic books, and Colin out the window]

[YK] Ha! So they /aren't/ all that rocket proof!

[The BS-12 fires again, and YK doesn't have time to duck, so he jumps out the window]

[YK] Oh zark! 20 stories up!

[Colin floats by]

[Colin] Here, sir!

[YK] Ah, Colin! When I say so, go up!

[Colin] Of course!

[YK catches Colin in his towel]

[YK] SO!

[Colin goes up at the same speed YK is going down. Their speeds cancel each other out, and YK is just hanging there]

[YK] The perfect situation!

[Y2K looks down out the window and boggles. He goes in and turns to the BS-12]

[Y2K] Get rid of him.

[BS-12] At once.

[It exits. A moment later, walks out of the mansion and aims its rocket launcher at YK]

[Colin] I am delighted to report that the rockets the BS-12 droids fire are motion-sensing and chase after whatever moves in their path!

[YK] Motion-sensing, eh? But will it stop on a dime?

[YK uses the Force to lift a dime out of his pocket. The dime gets within 15 feet of the ground, and then the droid fires. The rocket explodes, taking the BS-12 with it]

[YK] I'll take that as a yes.

[He jumps onto a window ledge, bringing his towel with him. Using his lightsaber, he cuts the window out and goes in. He almost immediately looks back out]

[YK] Hmm ... the thirteenth story.

[He then boggles. Ripple to the express elevator's floor display: even though the mansion has precisely 20 stories, the display skips the thirteenth story]

[YK] Hmm.

[Colin] You have already said that!

[YK] Quiet.

[The cats enter from various ventilation grates and enter YK's backpack]

[YK] Ah, there you are.

[Hotsper] Mrow.

[The room is dark. YK goes into another room, equally dark. In it is a table. There are three items on the table: a photo of a birdhouse-like structure with "SHRINE TO THE PROTECTOR: It watches over the forest from across time" written on it, a copy of Mostly Harmless, and a Poké Ball. YK puzzles over this and then boggles]

[YK] Santa Zarquana Voostra!!

[He opens the Poké Ball]

[Y2K] Now what!?

[Second BS-12] YK is on the thirteenth floor.

[Y2K] OH ZARK! GET HIM!

[A blob of red light goes into the Poké Ball, which closes. YK laughs]

[YK] So, that's the way it is, eh? HA!

[The door breaks down as YK picks up the photo and the book. YK stuffs them in his backpack and sees the Second BS-12 aiming the second rocket launcher at him]

[YK] So, things are going /swimmingly/ for me, aren't they? Everythings turning out /poifect/, eh? Nyuck nyuck nyuck nyuck!

[YK dives out the window again]