h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

People often come to me and asked me for advice on what kind of computer (PC) to buy. In a way it's not unlike the purchase of a microwave oven, television, or a Mr. Defense Home Nuclear Missile Security System. In other words get a good idea about what you want the thing to do before you end up being sold way too many things you don't need.

The whole PC industry seems to be going in the same direction as television did in the late 60's to now. For example when my dear old Dad finally broke down and got a color TV they were still at that point where you had to fiddle with them a bit to get them to work properly. I still remember my dad spending lots of time behind our set pulling things out and putting them back in. He'd emerge every few minutes with smeared glasses, sweaty forehead, bloodied knuckles and constrained expression on his face as if he had been constipated for the better part of his life.

That is where computers are today. If you didn't have the moxie to fix it back then you were at the mercy of the TV repairman. We all know the picture that conjures up... Here's mine... He's got an enormous box of tools with all sorts of electrical looking gadgets and gripping thingies. He's got cigar breath and B.O. And of course the telltale butt crack...
He's usually friendly but not on your list of persons you are most likely to hang out with. The only difference between now and then really, is the repairman. Now we have squeaky voiced, sarcastic little "men" with a penchant for psychologically torturing all persons non technical. They have a real knack for making you feel insignificant and yet at the same time giving you the idea that the world as we know it would end without them.
You know who I mean. They are usually the last guy you talk to at tech support after you've exhausted all the junior tech phone answerers with Chinese or Indian accents.

Very rare are the jolly computer people that smile and laugh and make people feel good about themselves and their pc problems. Oh that reminds me, the last Friday in July is National System Administrator Day. So if you have a computer person that keeps your system intact and answers all your questions in a non condescending fashion, that is a day to reward them. I'm not sure but I've heard they prefer large amounts of cash or large amounts of time at secluded tropical resorts. Don't bother with presents that have company logos on them though, because all that stuff is piled up in the back of his office already. At least that's what I've heard anyway.

So, what computer should you buy? Last years model on sale. It will be outdated in a year or so anyway. In a few years the PC will probably become as cheap as a television is now. What kind of microwave? One that can actually pop a bag of corn and boil water. As for the home security system? I prefer a barking dog and a 12 gauge pump. If the dog doesn't scare them, the sound of the action closing surely will.