h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As a waiter, I reserve the right to give the rest of you the following guidelines for dining out:

1) Smile.
We do it all day long and a great many people treat us badly all the same. It doesn't take a lot of effort and really, that little bit of effort is greatly appreciated.

2) Listen.
Often, have a spiel we're supposed to give you about the specials, menu changes, and so on. Please listen to that. I can't tell you how many times I describe something and then have the same questioned asked back to me. It's a waste of time and, one very iportant aspect of waiting tables is a little something called time management.

3) You're not the only table.
It's true! Well, at least most of the time, it's true. Please remember that if you say you want more coffee and the table next to you says they want a dessert, and on the way, the Chef asks us to run food out to another table all the way across the restaurant, it's physically and temporally impossible for us to do all three things at once, though we'd like to.

4) Speak Clearly.
If I can't hear or understand what you're saying, then it's possible that your order won't be perfect.

5) Don't Abuse Us.
Many waiters, at least good ones, do it because they enjoy doing it. Ask us questions, let us take care of you. That's why we come to work every day. That and getting paid. And speaking of getting paid:

6) The Tip.
You may make 10-30 dollars an hour at your job without even having to think about it. That's great! We make what you give us, plus a wage of about $2-3 dollars an hour. we all have bills to pay. Some of us have cars and wives and children as well. Thosee all cost money and most of that money comes from diners like yourself. 20% gratuity is a suggested average. 18% is all right if we do a bad job, or 15% if the service is abyssmal. However 10-12%? There's no reason for that. And never be afraid to go over 20% either. we remember good tippers, and we remember bad ones. If you tip us 12% just because you're cheap one time, we're going to give you 8% less service than a 20% tipper the next time you come around. We are also well aware of when we make mistakes. We know when our 20% is not deserved and bless all you who give us that same rate anyway.

7) Overall.
We're people. We're not waiting tables because it's easy work. It's exhausting work a lot of the time and it's not a job we take just because we're between jobs. it's as good a career as any other and all that we ask is you treat us as you would treat a banker or plumber or parking attendant.

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A note to those who live outside the USA: I know gratuity is not as big of a deal in other countries and I understand that. But please, when you come to the USA, remember our rules of gratuity. It's really disheartening to fear waiting on foreigners because we know the tip will be downright ugly.

Thank you for your time.

-tom

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