h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just a tip. Follow the river and don't let it out of your site that way you'll keep going downhill and get out of the woods. Some stupid kids always seem to let the river out of sight then always end up going in circle.

Don't think that my predicament can be taken lightly! Just because you are not lost in the Ares Vallis, with just some poxy remote controlled car and a WAP phone for company does not mean that you can laugh at others in that predicament.
Perhaps I did choose the wrong place to ask for help. It is obvious that nothing is known by you, as advertised in your comment.
Following a river you have a 50% chance of going uphill. All very well, but if you're halfway along the Nile there's a 2.4thousand mile hike before you see the lake and think oh dear something's gone horribly salad tong.
Of course, you could argue that it would be simple enough for me to follow the river AND determine the gradient of the land, or simply that there are no woods along the Nile valley. But the point is that you didn't SAY that.
I am getting wet.

I was a sensible suggestion. I don't want it to be your last entry. Now what is you exact location.

If I knew my exact location, would I be lost? I think not.

OK what was the last place you recognised?

It was the White House. I think I was hallucinating. Everyone kept calling me "Mr. President" and getting me to sign pieces of white paper and putting keys in briefcases and pressing buttons with the words "Bomb the Commie B***tards" on it.

I must go now. Being in the United Kingdom (at least, I think I am) I have to pay to be connected to the internet. If I last long enough, I will contact again tomorrow that you may help me further....

Casanova.

Ah a clue.

Well if you've found a clue share it with us!