h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Much better than buying fruit and veg by mail order/internet. When I buy such things I want to see them to make sure they will "work". I do not believe that I could be satisfied by being shipped "pre-selected" (or "non-selected") produce - it will likely be crap. Besides which I have few other joys left in urban life but to select good things to eat, while my mobile phone rings and muzak blares, and being told to have a nice day.

At the other end - on the WC - the worst thing is to be in need and have no paper to wipe my bum. A valid use of such internet appliances would be to connect via a high-speed digital connection the toilet paper consumption for all the toilets in subscribers' dwellings. Something like a digital printer that doesn't print could be glued to the wall and dispense paper appropriately. Automatically a supply of paper will always show up on time (could be delivered by courier in handy plug-in packs). The providers of such services will also have valuable marketing information such as the daily consumption and the amount you need to get the job done.They could predict your propensity for conditions such as piles and the trots to peddle "complementary" merchandise.

As a luxury the dispenser could actually print stuff to read - a dual purpose. Could be the newspaper, coupons for medecines, or something else.

This would avoid my current practice of always buying the 24 packs to reduce the frequency of no paper days.

Once I was staying at this hotel in Zuerich. They have a "Closomat" in every room.

The Closomat is a wonder of proud Swiss engineering. It is somewhat larger than the standard crapper, but avoids the need for paper. The hotel supplies paper for foreign visitors wary of this device. A stereotypically clear and precise instruction manual is tied to the Closomat to let visitors know how best to use the thing and to encourage it's use.

I would consider getting a Closomat once I have space for it and can find a local vendor.

The closomat does it all for you without killing a single tree branch. After you do your business, one elbow operated lever operates the flush, the other operates the cleaing mechanism. This mechanism squirts the passenger with water from underneath - first warm then colder to prevent the ejection of passenger and to help seal things up. Then it will gently bathe the passenger with warm air until things are comfortably dry. It works, and the manual is right. The brave tourists who actually try this I believe will all become converts.

Then you could be surfing the internet on a laptop while the Closomat does its thing.

If you are really curious:

http://www.closomat.ch/netscape/html/start.html

And there is even a "Closomat Akademie".

Might be a little more time on the john, but I like it - bidet and hot-air dryer all in one!

Excellent research Dudemeister. The basis of a sure-fire Edited h2g2 Guide Entry if I ever saw one.

I imagine it could even double as a blow-dryer for your hair if you were caught short... without an umbrella.

What do you mean "could"? For people endowed with a hairy posterior, it already is!

OK. I'll be over in the land of the Closomat next week, and I hope I'll be at the same hotel that has these things - so I can do my dedicated research. If succesful I'll write something.

There is a whole bunch of stuff on their site about this high-tech crapper - you need to press the "weiter" menu item on the intro menu and put up with the fact it is in German - but with pictures.

That translated from English to Korean to English as:

"For the image machine from Taiwan as these now we of what it uses the fact that it translate the instuction hold like this."