h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I am a very open minded person. I will stand firm with that fact until the very end of all stuff that is. I refuse to believe, however, that if you are a human, breathing dirt can be good for you. Worms... that's different, even though they don't really breathe it... but humans? No way. Even eating a little unpolluted dirt from time to time is supposed be healthy, especially if you are pregnant! But don't go breathing that stuff if you expect to carry much longer.
All this became painfully obvious to me today while scraping around underneath a house built in 1947. What on Earth was I doing there? Placing UTP cable, of course! We have to modernize! This is why we should all stop breathing dirt. Right? Right. If we are going to continue advancing as a civilization, we need to clean our planet up! Stop putting weird things even worse than dirt in our air!
We're killing ourselves! If we all die before we can colonize other planets cheaply and efficiently, then that about wraps it up for the human race, huh? From now on, no more breathing silly things that kill you, okay? Can we all agree on that? Good.
See? How hard was that? Simplicity is beautiful. Coincidentally, it is Douglas Adams whom I am about to quote, though not accurately. It seemed that everyone on Earth is unhappy for pretty much of the time. The prime source of this unhappiness involves the movement of small, green pieces of paper, which is, on the whole, very odd. After all, it isn't the small, green, pieces of paper that are unhappy. Very simple.
Why can't we just forget about the details that all the old people insist really are important and live our lives? Stop breathing dirt, man. In order to stop breathing dirt, you have to stop making dirt and throwing it into the air for everyone to breathe! Easy!
Now, when I say dirt, it should be apparent to you all that I am not actually talking about dirt, but nasty chemicals that kill us in interesting ways, but with frightening permanence. I reckon that once we have started taking over other planets, we can watch ourselves die all we want, because we still have those other planets to escape to at the last minute.
But until then, we have to clean our respective rooms and wash our respective cars for the benefit of the race. Agreed? That's nice. Oh yeah, and not fighting wars would really help, too. They tend to throw a lot of unnecessary dirt around.
Carpe Icthus.