h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Look I feel a bit of a pranny for asking, but I'm sure the issue of whether I'm omnipotent will get shunted aside when the perilous state of the Universe is raised...

For the hardy few of you who have created Universes will know, there is a matter of 'matter entropy', that being the old maxim of 'nothing lasts for ever' (... I dare say for all the romantics; even 'eternal' love). Anyway, by way of compensation I laid out in my plans for the Universe a sophisticated 'hoovering' systems of 'Black-Holes'. (I won't try to explain the above technical term - senior, respected physicists have been driven stark raving mad by trying to get their head around such a concept. After consoling their widows however, it was found that it was just a case of their general aversion for doing household chores)

A problem however has found when after some routine (read: mindbobbling complex) equations I found that the Universe will be entirely sucked out of existence in 100 billion years !!!

So, as you can see, I have put the problem into my 'Urgent!' metaphysical tray.

I have thus far come up with the concept of a 'White-Hole', to bring back the material into the Universe, which will hopefully be energised after not existing for so long. However, problems have arisen in the Quonkar 9 Quadrant of space. The mystics on Beeper Minor now wonder why they have to wait thousands of years until the day of judgement - because of the excess time the re-emerging matter has caused. Indeed; one senior mystic has said that trying to keep to a asetic lifestyle after 3000 years tauntamounts to insanity - which by the way has become one of the Orders favourite pastimes...

So... in summary, if I have Black-Holes & White-Holes what do I call the theoretical grey area in the middle ?

...And, would anybody have any useful DIY tips for the Celestial 'Plumbing' involved ?

- What with humans not caring anymore; I now know how spawning salmon feel.

Shouldn't you have thought about that sucked-out-of-existence-problem before creating black holes? But if it really can be solved by creating "white-holes", I guess that's OK, but do at least call them with a bit more imaginative name - the black holes already have a name dull enough... Perhaps you could even re-name the black holes so that they'd fit together better... And no, I'm not going to suggest any names, because they would be really hard to translate in English and no one would understand them anyway, so use somebody else's creativity... And about that grey-area dilemma: I belive that the space which isn't part of your matter-recycling-system is called the Universe...



PS. Or did you mean with that grey thing the hypothetical grey holes? I'd say it's the Universe anyway, because if it's exactly in between black and white it'll be neutral and won't be doing anything but float around and watch the time pass and that's what most of the Universe does, right?

Yes, sorry I should have clarified my position...my...mind...keeps...losing focus with OTHER developments always popping up at the wrong time.

Anyway, the grey area is outside the confines of strictly speaking the Universe. Now I'm sorry if I lose the majority of correspondants here, but it can't be simplified - It's to do with plumbing. What basically happens (Read: basically as 'Oh heck...I'm over my head again...still, It's nice drowning in the deep end of pure intellectual thought') is that the Black-Holes remove matter to outside reality and the White-Holes bring it back, as the theoretical inbetween bit doesn't really exist in the Universe, (it exists as pure thought in my mind) just what the heck can I do about it. My job being partly one of reality control, people might go 'hang-on a second, surely that contradicts several of the more important physical laws on the Universe, even before lunchtime'.

* suddenly flashes a cherub like smile *

I don't suppose you could let me in upon a few of your naming suggestions ?

- Black-Holes - going cheap, one previous owner, guarranteed to suck in potential buyers...

God, if you are going to generate the Black-Hole that brings back matter, it may aid future scientists if you gave it a more appropriate name, since, as you know, Black Holes are white! To clarify for those of you who are not GODs (Glisher Operative Decendants - sorry, couldn't help myself), this occurs because light splits on the Black-Holes events horizon, thus half of the light will escape while the other half falls into the Black-Hole.

Also, assuming you are the same God of the procariously named dimension strand 42 (ie. the one with the humans somewhere along its length) the system of spontanously generating particles and anti-particles, presumably from the matter sucked into the Black-Holes, although I have never taken the time to research such a matter, in large enough amounts to get rid of the matter buffer, but in small amounts not to affect the universe from it's normal cource of caos, works fine.

If you really don't want to delve into caos, then maybe you can use the singularity (the middle of the Black-Hole) to simply exchange matter to a different dimension, thus the grey area is the path between diamensions - This system is't cheap, and still in the experimental stages, but they cost a hell of a lot less in maintance, ie. no need for White-Holes. Imagine, a stock market for GODs exchanging various matter and anti-matter particles between Universes. Now imagine the stock brokers - ugh!

If you want DIY tips on Celestial 'Plumbing', I hear the Plumber at the end of the Universe, is a good bet. Also, question your nearest library, for a copy of Stephen Hawkings, "A Brief History of Time", it's a good read for newbie GODs who want to model their universe on a tried and tested design.

May I now put a question to you, how the hell do you control the deamons and Satan and the lot, since I don't beleive that a Vampire Slaying Teenage girl called Buffy is quite the GOD-like style? Do you have some kind of Non-interferance pact, or does he simply rage war on one sector at a time?

Hmmm...Well that certainly gives me something to think about. I see you have done this sort of thing before.

* wonders to self : no wonder it took me several attempts to start the 'Big-Bang *

Yes, I'm quite aware of the leakage involved in Black-Hole construction, (it's always the way when you do a little D.I.Y isn't it) but you have got to admit that there is certainly more black than white in the local vicinity of one. Plus, if you go around telling people that black is white, you will have to apportion more governmental funds for mental health care.

Your observations apon the the interplay of matter in the multi-verse is quite similar to the one already in place. We up here call it the Swizz-Cheese-O-Rama Universe, both time & matter are exchanged creating new possibilities and ending others. Unfortunately, since it started just over a couple of Millennia ago it has expotentially increased my workload, leading to shortcuts being made in my duties (those of you who have been around long enough will know what I mean...).

It certainly beats my old trick of hiding the expelled material in Nebula clusters when no one's looking (just like the old maxim ' If a tree falls in a forest and draws a sizeable crowd, it's probably safe for a God to dump excess atoms in a neigbouring particle cloud')

The particles and anti-particles generated are just part of a cunningly disguised LED like display. Since time began people have always denied I exist because there is no proof. I therefore decided to place a few chosen words at the theoretical limits of the Universe.

* smiles ruelly to self *

I'm surprised astronomers haven't decoded it as yet...

In terms of using singularities as the gateways, I'm not all that enarmoured to them, they seem at best obstreperous. There not very 'sharing', once they get a hold of something they don't like let it go. You might like know of the latest scheme were working on up here. The current Universe is composed of intersecting 'wedges' of reality, basically all the attended Gods in the Universe have our own slice of reality which we call our domain. Thus, I take control of the Christian sector, Allah the Muslim 'etc'. (we have a time share arrangement looking after the atheist sector. I can tell you it's like drawing the short straw getting that EVER growing division)
We call this Universe the Grapefruit Universal Laws Plan (which most people gulp at when trying to get their tongue around it).

I have had young Stephen around for tea on a few occassions, and had some free ranging conversations with him, Mr.Newton , Mr.Einstein & myself. Unfortunately, even I haven't got the patience to wait around for the next answer, while Stephen fumbles with his electronic notepad.

Finally, to your question. It is basically a question of Chaos. The Universe is ran precisely the way clockwork doesn't, (well have you ever had a watch that didn't need constant adjustment) if the clockwork model worked everyone would have no free will. Basically it's the erroneous errors that keep the Universe heading on the correct path. It's not just coincidence that all the great scientific discoveries have happened by chance i.e Newton and the apple, the discovery of penicilan and the prodgical son sailing as far away as possible, only to end up back home (showered with garlands for confirming the world was indeed - round).

So the devils & Satan are just kept around to throw a celetial spanner in the works (...so as things purposefully/accidently don't run to plan), it's certainly a leap of faith, but I would cut an absurd figure if I didn't practice what I preach.

Besides all that, why go around all pious & saintly if there isn't anybody around to throw it in stark relief (where would be the value...?).

Anyway, the main way I have been keeping their activities in check is by inadvertently clogging up their administration with new clients as it were (I blame the ministers, honestly how are we supposed to attract the MTV generation when their still getting around in cardigans, slippers - serving tea & biscuits).

- keep on knocking down my forests, and I'll lose my 'serene' nature...

Firstly, black holes aren't white. Even though the light splits at the event horizon, the light doesn't have the escape velocity of a black hole.

Secondly, for the "plumbing", you use hyperspace. Isn't it obvious.

Thirdly, who looks after the agnostics?

The agnostics don't really care who...

It's more a matter of: they don't ~know~ who.

I meant what I said. That being 'agnostic' in a cultural sense is akinned to a euphemism for not caring, because who can truly say they haven't come across a God myth in their daily lives. So therefore to call yourself agnostic is a vague state of being non-commital...

Mind you, once the machine that goes *ping!* flatlines, they soon make-up their minds

- the Day of Judgement is a walk in the park next to a Post-
Christmas Sale.

now I leave all the phsics to you guys as I am quite a simplton, however the idea sounds great, so I would like to offer my services for any of the lifting, mixing cement ect...rgds

Firstly, black holes aren't white. Even though the light splits at the event horizon, the light doesn't have the escape velocity of a black hole.

The holes are just-not-black [the sort of colours tights are] due to Hawking radiation, which is due to particles and antiparticles popping into existence momenterily. Away from black holes, they will just annialate each other, but by a black hole one could fall in, leaving the other alone, unable to annialate with anything. Tah-daah! Something from nothing.