h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

How thoroughly exciting. The first 0-0 home draw since Ladbrokes regained the betting license at Fratton Park. Plenty of chances, and all of them missed.

Not having any goals is a problem in betting shop terms, because for the vast majority of bets out there, there is little you can do until a goal is scored. This leaves you with a pile of bets that you cannot settle until full time. Granted, the vast majority of them are losers, but down in the shed, we like to get things right first time. (We have a reputation to think of, and the two upstairs (you know who you are) who always manage to get away far earlier are presumably not taking the same amount of care)

An ideal game for the betting shop settler is something like the Portsmouth vs Southampton game last season where the scoreline was 4-1 after 27 minutes. One large pile of bets turned into no bets at all before half time. In such circumstances, you can actually sneak up into the stands and watch a bit of the game (although both sides appeared to have gone into practice mode after the first half hour, and nothing else happened, so I didn't see much...)

Own-goals are only slightly less annoying than 0-0. Firstly because not everyone seems to understand that own goals do not count for betting purposes (see earlier comments about backing 'No goalscorer') and it introduces uncertainty. Many people assume that the bookmakers are changing the rules all the time to suit themselves. Such people never bother to actually read the rules poster which is there for their benefit.

Portsmouth really need to know what the white posts with the net behind them at the end of the pitch are for if they are to get out of the drop zone. As for Monsieur Perrin, my guess is that unless there are something like four wins on the trot, then it's UB40 time.