h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

As you may have guessed from the title of this entry, the Orange Monster decided to be sick today. Well, I'm reasonably sure that he didn't make a concious decision along those lines - no one really wants to be sick - but the end result is the same.

I woke up as normal. The cat was curled up on the bed, but not next to me. Unusual to say the least. I went to brush my teeth and he didn't try to drink out of the faucet. At that point, I started worrying.

Soon after I finished breakfast, I noticed him take the standard hairball position - all cat owners know what I'm talking about. But there was no hairball. Just white foam. He did this four more times within half an hour - once including something that might have been paper and plastic - and I decided to call the vet. The main thing, the vet told me, was to get him to stop vomiting. This made sense to me. I was sure of that, in fact, long before I called him. But... He's the expert. So I asked for suggestions on how to accomplish this mighty feat. "Feed him a little bread. Maybe dip it in milk or a little tuna juice to get his attention."

...

This sounds simple enough on the surface, but it wasn't nearly as easy as some might think. First off, I'm back on Atkins. This is important because it means I have no milk and absolutely nothing even resembling bread in the apartment. So I make a mad dash to the grocery store a block away. I grab a bun and some heavy cream - I can use that in decaf chai or coffee at a later date. I get home, tear a bit of roll off and dip it in the cream. Then I hold it out to the cat.

Cats love cream, right? Everyone knows that. Well, my second problem is that my cat, insane as he is, doesn't even like it. He sniffed it once and then ignored it. Not even a second sniff. So I went through the cabinets, looking for tuna.

This was my first stroke of luck. I had one can left, of beautiful white albacore canned in water. Yay! So, I take it out and open it just a little. This gets the Monster's attention almost immediately. He begins to meow and purr up a storm. Obviously I am on the right track.

So, I dip a little piece of bread into the tuna water. He sniffs like crazy. He licks it. This looks like it could be it! But, no, of course not. Once he licks the majority of the tuna juice off, he walks away from the bread again.

Next solution: Wrap some tuna in a little bread. I am a genius! The cat, however, it more of a genius. He figures out how to dig out the tuna and eat it with minimal bread consumption. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I sit, eating the tuna, thinking, while an extremely attentive but still unwell kitty sits at my feet and begs. When I have finished all but the smallest crumbs of fish - with a little of the tuna water left because it never drains completely - in the very bottom of the bowl, I shred a little bread and drop it into the bowl. And when I put the bowl down, it works! The greedy little cat cleans the bowl - fish, bread and all.

An hour later, he ate a little of his normal kitty food and drank some water. An hour after that, he had managed to keep everything down. So I came to work.

I really don't like the idea of leaving a sick kitty alone at home, but I didn't have a heck of a lot of choice. This is going to be one long day.