h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Rants Rants Rants

Well, my first of many rants will begin with a few things that irked me all in the space of about half an hour the other day.

First thing I’d like to say is PRODUCERS SUCK! I work in the television industry for a post production facility. The other morning, I was very busy with my regular tasks, when a phone call comes in for me. I was told that I was needed to take a trip to Starbucks to fetch coffee for these two producers that were in a session with one of our editors. Here I am, up to my eyeballs in my own load of work, and now I’m sent off as an errand boy to fetch coffee. Let’s not forget to mention that we have several pots of coffee on the go in our kitchen. However, these producers being the self-absorbed chuckleheads that they are, can’t be lowered to drinking normal coffee, because they seem to think there’s an ‘image’ they have to uphold and all. So off I go to Starbucks. But first a little rant about Starbucks.

I personally HATE Starbucks. They’ve taken the coffee out of coffee as far as I’m concerned. They add a little steamed milk and chocolate sprinkles and feel that they can charge you 2 dollars more of a cup. The really sad part is PEOPLE GO FOR THIS because we’ve become a society that HAS to have the name brand on every facet of their lives. And let me point out that I have actually tried Starbucks coffee. And you know what? I find it undrinkable. To me it tasted like they’d burned the beans to a crisp and then poured scalding water over them. It was the WORST coffee I’d ever had. So in my opinion, I find their coffee highly overrated to say the least.

On with the story:
So off I go to Starbucks, which to my amazement was going to be about 6 blocks away. I had figured that the cancer known as Starbucks would’ve been on every street corner in the Toronto area. When I get to Starbucks I find that there’s actually a lineup out the door and down the street a ways. What the hell is this people?!? Are we that sad an pathetic that a real cup of coffee will not do anymore. We have to stand around like cattle to get that precious cup of Starbucks coffee, when there’s a perfectly good coffee shop right across the street?

So there I stand feeling more or less like the trendoid loser that I despise so much. I felt like I had a sign strapped to my head that read "HEY! I am a trendy loser that feels too important to have a normal cup of coffee in the morning." So about 10 minutes later, there I am at the counter, where I order (excuse me while I get out the slip of paper with their order out. I had to save it because I knew there was no way I’d be able to remember what they ordered when it came time to rant about this) a tall, non-fat late, and a Chi-Ti late (whatever the hell that is). This poses another question that I have. Fat, low fat, what really is the difference anyway. It’s not like you have all that much milk in this stuff anyway. I highly doubt that one coffee without non-fat milk will kill you. So anyway, there I wait while they make my order. I was stunned when it took about 5 minutes to make two cups of coffee. 5 minutes!!!!!! For COFFEE. Then the moment came when it was time to pay. The guy rag it up and asked me for $6.50!!!! For 2 SMALL coffee. Yes, they’re called TALL but in relation to the other sizes, to normal people that are not so trendy and in the know, it would be considered SMALL. So, I hand the guy the company credit card. He punches it all in and for some reason I don’t get a credit card receipt. The manager apologizes and tells me that I won’t get a receipt I insist that I do because we need it for our records. So then I wait 5 MORE minutes while they "reboot the system" REBOOT THE SYSTEM!?! What ever happened to a bloody cash register?.

Finally, I get my receipt, and out of the goodness of this guys heart he hands me two vouchers which allows me to have the drink of my choice, any size, for FREE. Now, let’s look at the humour of the situation here. I loathe Starbucks, am thoroughly annoyed that I have to be in one, annoyed at the outrageous prices for their coffee, and annoyed that I will have been away from my own work for almost an hour by the time I get back. And for my troubles I get 2 free vouchers for free coffee that I don’t like anyway.

But wait, please indulge me further because believe it or not THERE’S MORE. On my way back home I am accosted by a homeless man asking me for change. He takes the time to explain to me that he’s from Vancouver, has no money, no place to live, and no job. He’s a black man so he feels that he has no chance in hell of getting help from anyone. Now, here I am carrying two cups of coffee so he’s safe to assume that I DO have money on me, but the truth is I don’t. All my money is back at work. So I politely tell him I have no money. Naturally he thinks I’m a liar and gives me a nasty look. So I quickly stop him and tell him that although I have no money, I do have a free Starbucks voucher that he’s more than welcome to have. And he accepts. Now, I’m a bit ashamed to say that I did not hand this over out of the goodness of my heart. I had an ulterior motive. A more sinister and mean ulterior motive. I gave this toothless, dirty, smelly homeless man this voucher just so that all the elitists at Starbucks could feel jarred out of their elitist lives by the site of a homeless person walking into their establishment to get a cup of their gourmet coffee. Something this poor soul cannot do normally. I just wish I could be there to watch these people squirm on their stools.

And what is to become of my remaining Starbucks voucher you may ask? Well, one of these days when the mood hits I’m going to find out just what in the hell a Chi-Ti late is. Why not? I’m not paying for it.