h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: In the waiting room between life and death - A4178577
Author: kerouac527 - U763934

Please offer feedback! I am a young writer, this poem is about watching TV. Something we can all relate to in modern life I feel!

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"the Dutch fields of despair." is one of the most aesthetically pleasing phrases I've seen in a poem for a while.

Feed back ahoy. I like the piece very much, the sentiment and structure as well as the flow, though I do feel there's room for improvement. Nothing major, just a bit of revision to improve the whole.

In the second stanza, 'old fears, old anxietys, old uncertainties tatted up with morbid decadence' seems to work a bit better for me. And I haven't figured the 'buts' out yet. Do you mean butt like you sit on, or butt like the lip end of something smoked? Either way it's missing a 't'.

In the third, simply removing a couple 'thes' keep it from becomming cramped. 'The telly, THC, technology, all lure me towards the land of vast plains' frees things up a bit. And the final line packs a bit more pizazz when written 'My castle besieged, I fought still', aside from 'besieged' being the proper word in this context (and they said reading fantasy novels would get me nowhere ).

And in the fifth, the addition of the word softly and the substitution of 'an' for 'the' evens the phrasing out a bit and adds just a touch to the feeling being convayed. 'Softly I flutter down to the grit of the flat bed of an open ditch'. And finally, the use of 'thoughtless' instead of 'thoughtful' seems a better choice considering what the message of the piece is.

As I said, nothing major, just a bit of tweaking to tighten things up. I really do like the work, both in form as well as message. Keep it up and I certainly look forward to reading more from you.

Spynxxx