h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Transcribed from the paper version done while offline:

I'm spending the weekend in a neatnik's flat and I'm peeling. There's nothing wrong with a bit of order or cleanliness, but it goes beyond that here. Even where the host has tried to introduce a bit of cosiness with fake clutter, the unlit yet artfully placed candles make my fingers itch for just one match to light them.

I want to set off a catering size bag of party poppers all over the living room carpet. The kitchen screams out for a stirfry, not to mention a whisk dipped in gravy or molten chocolate. The bathroom has plenty of storage but I yearn to empty those boxes and drawers onto the bath ledge and windowsill.

The decor is mostly spartan, obviously masculine, yet bland. Who lives here? Duh, an ex army bloke!

On the train here, I was irritated by a young secondary schoolboy who was apparently commuting with his older sister. Not only did he drive me to distraction in 5 minutes flat, he's also done the same to his sister and her friends. No surprise that his first name was Wayne.

[Amy P]