h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This isn't a journal intended to get replies...I just need to write some stuff or I'll go mad. Obviously it's a public forum and people read..but I just to write some stuff here.

I'm just so going round the bend with my mother here in my flat. It's not really anyone's fault...just differences between us, but then there is the weight of history of all the same old stuff that happened like this in the past.

I don't know what to really say. Writing and sort of creativity seems to help though.

Thanks god she's just gone out for a walk...

I'm just going to listen to music now on my own in my bedroom.

I've been numb since I was told about the cancer and today it all comes out...she just thinks you grin and bear it and emotions are just too messy and must be rationalised. She doesn't say that, but that's the message...she is just such a ing martyr type.

And of course I have all the guilt because she's here fussing over me as ever. Except it's not *ME*. It's her internal image of me...It's enough to send the sanest person mad. No reflection back of who you really are.

Loud music helps.

The truth of it is that I hate her with a passion that is hard to convey.

She said some terrible things to me as a child..I reckon she tried to wreck my psychic foundation...but my fighting spirit wouldn't let her.

She once said the most awful thing to me when I was about 9 saying I was like cancer...and it drills into me now that horrible memory.

Woke up this morning aching in every muscle in my body.

Feel brilliant now. Incredibly my lungs suddenly feel nearly normal again and fully inflate...no more breathlessness, and mobility very improved. Having cat scan later of lungs.

Mother told me yesterday that the doctors warned her I might die from the lung problem after the op...apparently people just go down hill more and more and fade away. She should have told them....that isn't Effers style Indeed I came back with a bang.

Chutzpah and chi defo flowing back now