h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is going to be a long rambly very pessimistic entry..so warning to others you're probably best off unsubscribing now.

Mrs Zen mad a fairly innocuous post this morning..and it triggered again all those terrible feelings of guilt to do with my behaviour towards kea. And until i can discuss it with her directly there'll be no peace for me...at any moment those feelings can be triggered full on.

I tried with anhaga and peanut. (Though something peanut said still rankles, I said if you've had a good relationship with someone for years, that should be something strong enough to help deal with something bad happening to it. She spoke about points in the bank not being good enough. That was a very wrong construction to put on my meaning. I don't *think* that way. Its to do with it being a relationship..you can't measure that with points.)

But yeah so getting on for 5 years of something good has come to this..thanks to what to me seems inexplicable behaviour. Of course mitigating circumstances were my unwellness. That stops you thinking so much about consequences and the situation of someone else. And it was a double whammy I did which was much worse after she had got over the first one with big effort.

Its not in my nature to want to hurt someone vulnerable, and she is because of her illness, and clearly a very sensitive person..but apparently it *is* in my nature. I have to come to terms.

My imaginings of how its affected her illness are pretty awful. If she told me full on and straight the effect, it would be easier..but it could even be worse than my imaginings. But at least it would be the truth to deal with. I'd want her to really spell out the truth for her sake.

She might want to punish me permanently and never discuss it. But in real life if I've had a problem with a friend I talk it through..but maybe this is something worse than any previous thing?

Its so much harder on the internet because its abstracted with a person..but still you know there is a real live person there and the results are the same of destructive behaviour.

So this will carry on. Real life is a nightmare so one more won't make a difference to me..except to her, it will.

It doesn't help that the news is permanently of killing and death..and round here every week in some areas of this borough..(not mine thank god), there are reports of shootings, stabbings and muggings. I long since stopped reading the South London Press.

And our society is built on exporting weapons..and disgusting big business which exploits people.

And the environment gets more poisoned every day.

Good to be upfront sometimes about reality.

And I don't want anyone replying. Maybe at some point I can discuss this with kea if she is ready?..but I had to express this here for the sake of my sanity. it helps a little bit.

Oh and she doesn't want me on her ps..so I won't ever go there now unless she says its okay.

The guilt did turn into remorse for a bit. But its guilt again now.

Its interesting in legal trials of criminals that showing remorse can mean a lesser sentence. I agree with that very much. But of course it needs to be genuine.

Its mixed now of guilt and remorse. And its certainly genuine.

But I'm not saying that to get a lesser sentance..just cos it makes me feel a bit better about myself.

Although this thing is specifically to do with kea..I think it has maybe to do with things previously in real life that I didn't face about my behaviour..

I wasn't even very nice to her when she helped me out with that pyrenean caddis fly entry and put sub headings in to help me out. Not really thanking her..just all artistic about the actual idea of whether it suited.

I'm so glad both of them are on my space.

One day that dam thing will get in the guide or maybe not in a funny way.

I did quite a bit of looking up to do with MS and the difficulties and symptoms..though obviously there is a spectrum. But I'm pleased I'm much clearer now. I know she doesn't like to talk about it. But I'm pleased I did.

It was good when Mr. D told me he did quite a lot of research on bipolar..and had a clearer understanding of the problems.

And I do feel quite scared in case she happened to read this..or someone told her.

But I needed to do this for my sakes to understand better why my behaviour was just so destructive in the context of having that disability.

But then I'm not going to pretend that sheer intensity of emotion and reckless behaviour isn't a symptom of mine...when you're a bit manic.

And I simply have to try to understand because I can't stand this constant guilt.

Maybe it will lead to something better in the future, I hope so. Information is always good. And its not like suddenly treating someone like an invalid or feeling sorry for them..like I wouldn't want either.

But I'm not pretending I don't care very much...that's different. And any way you can't stop bipolars being a bit OTT.

Oh and kea if you did happen to read this and some destructive person like you get a few of here, told you about it, my intentions are 100% benign.

The world's gone utterly insane.

Finally finding the part on virgin to get the phone fixed..filling in forms..then finally I have to ring a number to get it fixed. They assume everyone in the world has a mobile. Neighbour across the street let me use his..I had to get him to ring the number I was in such a state..besides which I hardly know how to use the dam things.

And then go though a million menus only to be told it will take 10 minutes as all staff busy..but I get to choose which music will play..Finally get through after 15 minutes to someone in India..go through endless explanations..it takes him ages to check the line..finally an appointment is made for next friday..and he stupidly says you will make sure someone's in..I said you can be certain of that

So its all systems go for a repair man next friday. then I can think about maybe paying the fine for the clamping or not £200 and the get the thing MOTd and taxed if I've not gone totally insane.

Still trying to pay gas and electricity online..apparently I have to wait about 24 hours for an email..before I can pay. Of course I might be cut off by then.

So it'll be candle light and making small fires in the back yard for cooking.

Actually I just realised the car probably isn't worth more than £200. They can take the dam thing away. But I got those zebra cushions out..they are so important to me still.