h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is getting more and mroe complicated! TomCat told his parents about it all last night while I was out. His parents were OK about it, and were trying to arrange a possible weekend for us to come down & stay.

So this morning when TC was safely at work, I phoned his parents up to reassure them that I was allright about it and that TomCat is OK too, and that they shouldn't worry too much. They didn't seem surprised. Then I found out why. They'd known all along!!!

Apparently, when it all happened, X (the mum) told TC's dad first, as the relationship had ended by that point. He then told TC, who didn't want to have anything to do with it (he still can't remember any of this, which is weird, but I believe him). I still don't know most of the ins and outs (as it were) but TC moved up here, X got engaged and told TC's dad that she'd bring up the kid as part of that family, and that if the kid ever asked about his dad she'd contact TomCat. So they left it all, and assumed TomCat had just chosen to ignore it. They thought maybe the note was asking for medical history or something.

But anyway, I'm learning what incredible strength of character people have. X, for the way she's being reasonable about the little boy, and TomCat's parents, for keeping schtum about the whole business until the time came.

Thassorl really.

Curiouser and curiouser!

I don't know what to say.

It seems odd that they've never even mentioned it in all this time.

It seems even odder that they knew that they had a grandchild and have (presumably) had nothing to do with it for the past 8 years. I feel quite sorry for the child.

Not a very good situation to be in when you should be concentrating on your thesis.

I understand they may have had their reasons but they obviously put their son first and you far behind. How could they look you in the eye I don't understand.
It seems very very strange that as grandparents they would never had had the urge to see their grandson. People do behave thoughtlessly.

Strangely, I hadn't thought of it like that. I thought they were being eminently sensible, keeping out of it, putting their feelings for their grandson last, and abiding by what the mother wanted.

Certainly, I'm surprised they didn't try to talk to TomCat about it, for instance when his brother's first son was on his way 2 years ago! And as for me, well, they thought it wasn't their place to tell me. They also weren't sure about TomCat's state of mind, and, like me, don't understand how he could have forgotten/blocked out all of this. However I'm going to TomCat's appointment with his psychiatrist later and shall make sure I ask about that. I don't usually jump in on appointments but he asked me to go this time.

TomCat and I have been together nearly 3 years, and before that he was with someone else for 3 years, so they would have kept the secret from her as well. They live so far away I've only met them a few times, and to be honest they're a bit eccentric anyway! There are lots of family secrets - TomCat's brother knows nothing of the whole business yet, and isn't going to be told until the meeting has happened and the little boy knows.

TomCat's dad told me it had been difficult knowing about the little boy, but that they didn't want to complicate matters and stick their oar in. As for TC's mum, I really don't know how she's managed, as she is besotted with her other grandchildren. From what I can tell she is really excited at the prospect of finally forming a relationship with the long-lost one too.

You've certainly given me another angle from which to peruse things. I'll just have to keep the secret that I know that they knew!!! Aargh!

Cat x

This is all getting so complicated Cat, how you're coping I don't know - full of admiration though for your attitude to it all.

I suppose TC's parents were probably trying to do their best by both TC and by his son. They may have thought that it was best for the child to not interfere if he was being brought up by someone else. Also presumably being worried about TC's health and attitude as well.

As for not telling you - well I suppose it would have been difficult to tell you if it was something not discussed with TC. They might have felt disloyal to him. Not necessarily excusing but at least explaining their actions.

How they've not discussed it with TC over the years though is difficult to understand.

Not sure that more secrets is a good idea - esp you knowing that his parents have always known when TC doesn't know they knew (not so much his brother - that will be dealt with eventually). How do you feel about knowing this? I'm just worried about it making for difficulties between you and TC. No easy answers though - as you say aargh!

lots of hugs, and good luck tomorrow

hebe

Hi Hebe,

I agree - I'm not sure keeping more secrets is a good idea. However I don't feel it's my place to tell TomCat about his parents' actions! Aargh!

Cat x

< I'm not sure keeping more secrets is a good idea. However I don't feel it's my place to tell TomCat about his parents' actions! Aargh!>

Could you, perhaps, talk to TC's parents again and suggest that they tell him - preferably sooner rather than later. Explain you don't think secrets a good idea etc etc, and that you're also uncomfortable knowing that they knew but also knowing that TC doesn't know that they knew: it is putting YOU in a difficult position.

If they aren't keen, you could suggest that if they don't tell him then you will, but you think it would be better coming from them.

It is time for everything to come out into the open, otherwise everyone will be tiptoeing around forever.

Bex