h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I don't know how these things work, if anyone will actually read this... but I need to offload a whole heap of crap. Big explosion in the Cat household this week and I may need, yet again, advice of a practical nature, from people with more experience than I.

OK. Here it goes: TomCat just found out (2 days ago, over the phone) that he has an eight year old son. The product of a very brief relationship that ended just before he moved up here, and he'd made what he thought were more-than adequate precautions against pregnancy. Anyway, the little boy has been asking his mum about his dad, and she explained the circumstances to him and said she'd do her best to find him. Eventually she did, via his parents (who don't know yet). The little boy wants to meet him, and after the initial shock had died down TomCat is keen to be part of his life.

Although we don't want children ourselves, I'm kind of excited about this. But there could still be huge problems ahead. TomCat was extremely ill with depression and other mental health issues at the time of the relationship, and basically moved away to save his own life. He still suffers depression, and is terrified of the guilt feelings that come when a little boy asks his dad why he wasn't there for the first years of his life.

Furthermore, he's come a long way since those days, has got a degree and is applying for teacher training and without sounding too snobby it appears like there's a huge lifestyle difference between us and the mum. She's recently divorced, has 3 kids - already had one before TomCat's son, and one in her marriage - and is living in quite a rough area. TomCat is so frightened that he'll disapprove of how the boy is being brought up, but he has no right to criticise her at all. And for the sake of the wee boy obviously he wants things to be amicable. Whilst she seemed perfectly nice and not bitter over the phone, I know it will break TomCat's heart if the boy has few life opportunities.

We're taking this slowly, he will meet the boy introduced as "an old friend" and then she'll tell him the truth later. But for now, the shock is subsiding, I'm seeing a lot of opportunities, and we're both worried about what I've outlined.

Practical advice which I'm seeking from anyone: the lad has dyslexia, so we could use any advice about that (ie reading to him?). Also if anyone has experience of separated parenting and how to cope if the worst happens and TomCat does have problems with his upbringing...

I feel a lot better after writing all this down, I've had no-one else to talk to about it, and it's a relief to share, even if it's with a screen & no-one reads it...

hi Catwomyn,

what a big thing to have to cope with. Not sure I can offer much advice (not around the dyslexia anyway - though lots of advice would probably be available on ML if you wanted to ask there).

I can't imagine what it would be like to find something like this out, out of the blue. It sounds like both of you are reacting very well all things considered.

For what it's worth I don't see what TomCat has to feel guilty about - he didn't know of the pregnancy, and presumably the mother made the decision not to involve him (since she managed to track him down 8 years later, she could have done so earlier if she wanted to). But I know it can be very easy to feel guilt - however illogical - about many things.

If there are issues re his upbringing it might be best to take a low profile on this to begin with at least. But in the long term, depending on the level of involvement you both have, the two of you could provide a counterpoint (and opportunities). Just remember not to criticise his life to him or infront of him - however much you might do elsewhere (about the only advice from real life I can give on this).

Please forgive me for mentioning this, but I presume you have considered whether she's telling the truth (esp since you mentioned that "more-than adequate precautions" were taken). It could be so difficult for all concerned to develop a relationship to discover later it was based on lies.

Glad you feel better for writing, must be very difficult for you to have no-one to talk to - and esp when you're still so immobile as well. Don't forget to look after yourself as well as TomCat, and remember you can always unload here,

hebe

Sorry for intruding into your personal space...
This is truly shattering for both of you. I agree with Hebe that you should first check it is true, though obviously that is going to be painful and difficult. The more you wait the more difficult it is going to be.
If the little boy is really his son, then would he have to legitimize him? And then he would pay child support and have access. It is hard to believe that this wasn't somewhere in the mother's mind; after all, why should she cope on her own?
Do you have any way of finding out why she hasn't made this known before? 8 years is a long time.
On the other hand a boy of 8 might still benefit from hid dad's presence(if confirmed)without undue bitterness. It would be of course marvellous if he suddenly found a home from home with you. As for the schooling, it's perhaps better to overcome the embrassment to do what is best for the child.
You are nobly not talking about your feelings, but they deserve being taken into account and your welfare considered as well. Your O/H has to realise that this is a trauma for you too and you must be protected. I wouldn't like to feel you're getting a raw deal.

Absolutely not qualified to advise but you did ask!

Hi Catwomyn,

I'm afraid I cant offer any practical advice to either of you, but all I can say is that I hope that mesasages sent with help you a little.

I can't even imagine the explosion of feelings in the Cat household, but please know that both of you are in my thoughts, and I hope you will be OK.

Take care, L

Cat...

I can only echo the advice others here have already given you, but do want to say I so admire the amazing generosity of your response to this.

I think taking things ultra slowly is the best you can do, really, one (tiny) step at a time.

As I see it, the first hurdle is dealing with "the guilt feelings that come when a little boy asks his dad why he wasn't there for the first years of his life."

Well, TomCat could be totally honest and say he was never told of his existence until now..... but, based on my experience of the counselling we received while waiting to adopt Bulb 1, I wouldn't advise it (unless that is what the mother has told him, in which case the question won't be asked in all likelihood). The first Golden Rule there (and in many ways it applies to this situation too) - never ever blacken the mother's name, or even appear to criticise her. This will make the child desperately unhappy; he owes his life to her, and in this instance she, other than her ex-husband, has been his sole parent for the past 8 years. Being made to feel disloyal to her in any way will totally cut him up (even if privately in his own heart he takes a dim view of certain things). If I were you, when you next speak to the mother, I'd ask her how she has explained his absence to the child, so you're both fore-armed. After all, she managed to trace TomCat now, and could have done so any time before. See what she says, and then, if you agree with it, you can repeat it if necessary - it may not be. Get over the first hurdle first, then slowly take things from there.

The very best of luck, to both of you,

More , Katy