h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

She says she can't tell me why she can't talk to me. So there is a reason in God that I don't understand. There's such a lot I don't understand, but that's because I am a fool.

I've been up all night again. It's rainy out. Listening to The Savage Nation.

Agapo auten pany.

Do you think I put the bitterness there? Or was it always there? She has a fight on her hands now. She has to learn to stand and fight the good fight of faith, possibly for the first time in her life.

Poor Olgs, she's out of her depth here. I remember those days. They weren't very nice. But they were necessary. Now Olga has to learn - alone if she wants, but I keep offering help - to fight her way out of her deception and her stronghold, and to learn the faith of God. Then she will lead her people the same way. How long is it going to take her? When will she come to me of her own accord and say, Thanks.

L says there are reasons why she can't talk to me, but she can't tell me. That's intriguing.

Helga stopped talking to me while she was in Italy. But she turned off me after That email. But that wasn't me. She was blaming me for having been abused. That's why I can't accept this silent treatment. They aren't dealing with me as I am; they are dealing with me as if I were one of them. I'm me, I'm not wayne or John or someone.

You see I'll never be good enough for L to be able to talk to me, because she can only talk to me by faith. It's language; it's language and faith. They don't speak by faith, do they? They speak by sight; when Lynwen talks and it goes over my head, what is that? Because if someone speaks by faith then I should understand it. Unless it's obscure like numbers or something. But Lynwen - oh I don't know. I just don't know. "Again" says the voice. Oh Lord.

Lynwen is totally cut off from me. As is Helga at the moment. They think I'm not grown up enough for them to talk to me. But Allen, a son, called me a son of God. But L says, You are not ready yet that I should speak to you. I'm quite happy to accept that, if it is true. I'm quite happy to accept that I have to grow in my faith. But at the same time Allen calls me a son of God. And Paula says 'best of both worlds'. And I speak in faith with Rupert. It all depends on who I'm with.

Look, Olga was never real with you, right? Only once, in that email about Granny, was she real with you. The rest of the time was either hysterical or cold. That to me indicates a lack of faith in the Incarnation of the Word. What about Lynwen? She is such a darling. She is so wise ,and she can speak. and she does have faith. I admire her very very much indeed, and her faith, and her wisdom. And her understanding.

Olga had faith too. I just don't understand what's going on.Wait, says L. OK, I'll wait, I'm good at that. OK.

Yes I think children would be very good for me, somehow. I think I should be changed for the better if I had children. And imagine when they grow up and you can relate to them properly. Having been with them throughout their whole lives. There's something very amazing about having children. Imagine introducing her to Brahms for the first time. Or Girls Aloud. Or Homer. Imagine teaching her to read Hebrew and Greek. Imagine helping her with her homework and bring it alive for her and enabling her to love her schoolwork and excel in it.

Imagine bringing her to Jesus as a little girl and discipling her all the days of her life. If I were say 48 when I had my first child, then I should be 83 when she's 35. I believe I shall live until a ripe old age, even past 110, so I shall be able to enjoy my daughter's womanhood and she can look after me when I'm very old and my nose is knackered.

Have to say though I've left it a bit late.

As to breakthroughs, he has given me several lately. One big one, where I can read the Bible at last, and take it in by looking at the page. This has been most welcome and I only wish I had had it while I was doing Theology. But I can now, that's the important thing.

Ah. L hates the faith by which I am unembarrased by my childish ideas, because they were honestly and faithfully had. She hates that faith by which I am solid in Christ. Just like that domestic who laughed at me. By faith I am strong and able to stand, you see. if I have made a mistake I will admit it but it won't throw me into confusion like it used to, because I've learnt about faith and standing and being honest and so on. Oh, but i was ashamed when I was a child, and now I am as a child, but unashamed. Thank God for that. Unashamed of the Gospel, unashamed of myself. They do rather rely on our being ashamed of ourselves in a certain dimension to which they have access. They rely on our not going there because they are ashamed there. That's why they rely on our shame there, because it covers their shame there.

It's like I've known this all my life but I'm remembering it all again.

"Don't park off too long."

I need to get my files for Vol 2 sorted out and sent to the translator, seeing as Sindi isn't talking to me any more, because I won't give her money because she failed to insure the car I gave her and had an accident and lost money by having it repaired.

She is ignoring me now - and she's supposed to be translating Vol 2 of Words. I've already paid her I believe. Now I've got to have it proof-read at the translation agency, but I'm hopeful that that is cheaper than having them translate it. I've just texted her - let's see if she ignores that.

Lynwen is a very grown up girl in some ways, but in other ways she's just a girl like the rest of them, with her fear and hate and shame and need for protection. It will be strange to negotiate.

"I thought we were done with winter," says Jonathan. He has come along miraculously since that time when I got angry with him. It's amazing. How does that happen? Whereas I don't seem to make any progress at all, or perhaps the odd step once every 15 years. It's been so hard. I dunno.

Wondering whether to go to Arizona where I've been invited to a church potluck. It might be a lot of fun. But it might also be quite expensive. I shall have to consider.