h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I tried for about an hour. I got myself jacked up on caffeine and did some serious standing and staring, but you just can't stare South Shields out it would seem.

Perhaps I should have been outside to do the staring? Maybe at the roadside ideally? Probably, but I like this office and all the mugs and the kettle are safe right behind me. True there's no kitchen, but the ladies' next door suffices.

My coworker has been very quiet for some time. Probably planning an assault on the mugs.

Back at my regular place of work I have been systematically hiding the mugs in an unused cupboard. HA HA! Even in my abscence I am Lord of the Mugs!!

My sister used to live in South Shields. So I've been there. But the thought of staring it out never crossed my mind. I admire your resourcefulness and determination though.

I'm back there again today, but I won't be trying to stare it out again! I've brought a book instead. I forgot to buy biscuits though (some things should never be forgotten) so I'll probably nip out later to get some and might find time for a bit of staring then....

You're gonna stare whilst outside? There's no mugs out there you do realise?

Yep. The lack of mugs will give my stare added intensity, a quality somewhere betweeen despair and righteous vengeance.

"somewhere betweeen despair and righteous vengeance"

What exactly occupies that small niche?

Steely determination perhaps?

I'm not sure. Whatever it's called though I think we could use it as the foundation for a particularly lucrative religious cult. As far as the cult is concerned all the coffee shops we open around the world are just a front for our preparations for the apocalypse, when in fact we are just using the wackos for free labour!

A worldwide empire of particularly good mugs... This time next year we'll be millionaires!

I think someone had got there before us yardy. One word - Starbucks.

DAMN THEM!!!!

I'm going to ask when the apocalypse is going to be next time I'm in Starbucks. See if the 'staff' hold their cover...

They won't answer you. They're evil automatons only capable of making doublefrapamochalattechinos. With sprinkles. Or something like that.

Aaaaah. They must starve them of proteins to bend them to their will. Perhaps they're not even a religious cult at all. Thinking of it it's much more likely they are part of the ALIEN INVASION officially led by Bill Gates, but actually ran by 'mutant' 'turtles' (the aliens).

I reckon the brains behind the operation is actually Cherie Blair. If she's not a alien then I don't know who is.

The last piece of the puzzle falls into place. Of course! Cherie Blair...