h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

If I was asked to nominate just one aspect of Cyprus living that topped all the others I would categorically state crime, or the sheer lack of.

Cyprus is an incredibly safe country. That's not to say there is no crime at all, but my chances of being murdered, attacked, burgled or sexually assaulted are almost zero (though in the latter case, should any young female care to oblige, I promise not to report the incident).

Cypriots have an overwhelming sense of community, they demonstrate acts of human kindness on a daily basis, they have an immeasurable understanding of true morality and are, above all, incredibly good people. I am honoured to live among them.

It is, then, quite extraordinary how scant the regard is for law. I'm not talking about big stuff here; every Cypriot knows that you don't kill, maim, plunder or open your shop on a Sunday but in all other respects Cypriots will only obey laws that suit them. In January 2009, parliament enacted a smoking ban that prohibited puffing away in all public buildings, restaurants, nightclubs and cars inhabited by under-16's. As expected, the presidential palace and parliament buildings were exempt and there was much wailing, gnashing-of-teeth and a huge outcry of public opinion opposing such Draconian legislature that interfered aggressively with daily life. All this showmanship proved to the EU that Cyprus was falling into line and adopting common policies. In reality, nothing much changed. I can still happily kill myself after an enjoyable meal and when I visit my accountants (which for some strange reason reside in the same building as the Paralimni courts) I can battle through the smoke-laden, fog-filled, corridor cheerily calling 'Kalimera sas' to the gaggle of policemen all out from court A for a 'swifty'.

As I may have previously mentioned, we've had some additions to the main house in recent times. The proposed work actually went through the planning department, which I gather left the employees there quite shocked. Apparently it's been sometime since their services were utilised; most citizens build illegally and then wait for the 10-yearly planning amnesty to come around again thus automatically legalising their new abode. Before work begins on building new houses, it is common to drill a borehole for water extraction - all that free water comes in useful in the summer for irrigating the gardens and trees - but of course the extraction requires a licence and payment of a fee. The extent of non-compliance was severely demonstrated in the summer of 2010. After a succession of dry winters and long hot summers, water rationing was introduced. 50,000 illegal boreholes were pumped dry resulting in large swathes of the water table becoming contaminated by seawater. Estimates suggest that some of the water table will remain contaminated for between 40 and 80 years.

There are so many examples of ignoring the law that I really should share (in fact I could fill a book), but regrettably they are too numerous to mention inside this short journal. When laws are enacted that Cypriots cannot avoid the people become most cunning.

Cyprus adopted the Euro on January 1st 2008 and the exchange rate for the old Cypriot £Pound was fixed at 1.712330757, i.e. £1 would buy you €1.71. Overseen by EU commissioners, an army of over-zealous civil servants were tasked with ensuring that the conversion rate was adhered too in order to prevent profiteering. One lowly restaurant owner was forced to replace his newly-printed (and CTO approved) menus because he had rounded down the previous price of £3.95 to €6.75 when it should have been €6.76. Pointing out that this was of benefit to customers, and refusing to replace the menus, he was duly prosecuted. Despite a strong defence, he was found guilty and fined appropriately.

He then countersued the government. All the recently replaced road signs that said "Littering on the motorway is an offence - fine, if convicted, €855" (previously £500) had to be torn down and replaced, yet again, at an estimated cost of €27.4 million.

It's still quite common to see the new signs. I always have a quiet chuckle to myself (and continued admiration for the man who made a stand) when I see "Fine, if convicted, €856.16" on the motorway.

The way the Euro is going just now they may be converting back to the old currency soon.