h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

"Yeesss?"

Her voice has the disturbing knack of making you want to be anywhere but here. All the same you must get your card, or you'll never be allowed to enter this society, and be able to meet some of the most knowledgeable miltary tacticians in existance.

"I'm waiting!"

I'd like a library card please

I'd like a libary card please, I want it red and the bar code to go a thick black line then a thin black line followed by another two thick black lines. After that I want three averagely thick black lines and if you have enough space left a really thick one!!!

Right... I'll just go and get the details *she says in a voice that most people would reserve for any convicted criminals, who had decapitated their closest relative the other day. But you suspect that this is just her normal tone of voice*

*She is gone for about ten minutes, with two stacks of paper work... which gives you an impending sense of dread*

~RIGHT~ I want you two to read this first, Sign any relevant points... oh and then give me your passport size photos which nobody ever tell you about but I expect you to have anyway. *she smiles (or at least you suspect she is smiling), though it appear more like the a grimace as if she had a wasp in her mouth and wasn't going to let it get out*

*Picks up the paperwork and staggers off to a table, an hour and a half later staggers back with 2 photos*

Here, all signed, sealed and delivered

*puts all the tedious paperwork into the bureau-o-matic and then sticks head in it*

There you go, all done...now can I go and find a contriversial book in which the main character is a bisexual transvestite bishop!!!

*tiptoes up to the desk*

May I have a library card, please?

I implore of you, may i please obtain a wonderfully awesome library card?

*salutes*

Agent Zeek of the Third Disgusting Fusiliers, Military Intelligence Arm reporting, ma'am.

*places metal security briefcase on desk, produces one key while Generic Military Escort produces second, and both Zeek and the GME place their keys in the lock and turn them simultaneously*

Under Special Intelligence Directive Nine-Three-Five, section J, subsections Two-Three Alpha and Two-Three Bravo, I am empowered to request a library card for the purpose of research to be carried out under the auspices of MilSpecWar, Section Three.

*retrieves a series of folders marked Military Special Warfare Group, Section Three (Office of Military Intelligence) - CLASSIFIED: HUSH MOST SECRET from the briefcase and hands them over*

Here are all the relevant documents, dossiers, requisition forms, and copies of all required photographic identification documents, personally verified by my commanding officer, Major Denis Bloodnok.

We don't want any goons in 'ere...

*salutes Admiral Ayeka*

With all due respect, ma'am, Major Bloodnok isn't here. I am, and I can assure you that I am one-hundred-per-cent human. Not a trace of Goon DNA in me anywhere, ma'am!

*In a sqeaky voice a la Bluebottle*

Just as long you don't dead me

*looks at Reefgirl*

No problem, ma'am.

No, Lynda Snell is much worse!!!

I'm no Archers fan but Eddie Grundy used to make me want to put my foot through the radio

How come whenever we happen upon a dying thread we always talk about the Archers to keep it alive!!!

True, this'll get it going, apparently there's going to be more sex in The Archers

Hmm... mental note, mention the archers more inconversation. Mental PS. Watch the Archers first...

*Harriot Charn suspiciously eyes Zeek*

*Snarls and goes off to get him papers to fill in... returns with a wheel barrow*

Harriot Charn : You know the drill!

(Hopes that he hasn't disappeared, which seems to occur more often in my threads...)

<*Psst* The Archers is an ancient radio soap about farmers>