h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

 So, what are spiders all about?

I know people bang on about "oh they get rid of flies....and stuff...and that...."
Fine....but do they really need that many legs, I mean, come on.

AND! why do they have to run that fast accross your carpet....they live in webs, sprinting is not a skill a web dweller would need surely. Wouldn't they allways be running off the edge and stuff.

Maybe they do and that's why they're going accross your carpet in the first place, just trying to find the stairs.

Now we are lucky in England, that we do not have any poison spiders. They are nasty horrible nightmarish creatures as it is, without them being able to kill you dead.

I think country's that support venomous arachnids should be removed from the planet and made to live on mars or somewhere. I can remember in the 80's there was a lot of big spiders coming in as illegal immigrants, on banana boats.....they were hiding in bananas suits or something (i forget the details). Well i couldn't eat another nana, i couldn't even go in a shop that sold them, for fear of nasty things jumping out at me and eating my face (or whatever they do).

And do you know, some people keep them as pets.....i ask you...pets...

"come on, little spider fellow...it's time for a walk...."

"who's a booty baby then? eh? beg for a sweetie....."

It's never going ot happen. If your pet can't entertain you by doing daft stuff then it's not worth the feed. These "pet" spiders, actually sit in a glass box until they die. Sometimes they move a leg, but that's it. It can't be very nice for them, never to have galloped over the plains of Africa.....or whatever....(I might be getting mixed up now). They only know a life of glazed captivity, I may hate every hair on their legs, but i hate to see a thing mistreated.

Except, of course, if it's running accross my living room carpet!
The nightmare starts when, out the corner of your eye, you see movement....your eyes swivel in their sockets, to a patch of near darkness under the telly. Did you see movement? Or was it just your twisted and sick imagination....no...there it is again.....it's either the Viet Cong or Mr Spider wants a jaunt around the room.

Your eyes are trying to pierce the darkness now....wishing you'd eaten more carrots as a child...and there....there it is....two legs protruding into the light...testing the air....goading you....he knows the game as well as you do...."come and get me" he's saying "but you're scared of me arn't you...."...egging you on....suddenly, he pulls out a flick knife...you see the flash of steel in the moonlight....(this is going a bit of track.....but hey sometimes litrature leads the writer not the other way round).

It's time to make your move....time to play the game, it's what you've trained for...this is it. Slowly...ever so slowly....on to your feet, quick scan for a suitable weapon....howitzer...too big....minigun....not enough accuracy....rolled up bit of newspaper....ahhh...the weapon of choice.

Paper in hand, it's time to stalk the prey....slow methodical steps....one at a time....don't spook it....a frightend and cornered spider can be very dangerous......you take on the appearance of David Attenborough, if David Attenborough took to creeping up on defensless animals and clubbing them to death with rolled up newspapers.

Nearly there now.....you can see right into it eyes....he's eyeing you up and you him....and it's time to strike.....theres no parly...no peace talks...this is a first strike...an all out attack...

The spider deftly parries your first futile blows....and rears up on it's hind legs....you see for the first time it's true horror....it's ghastly magnificence.....he takes a swipe at you...you jump up just in time as it's leg sweeps harmlessly under your foot....a quick counter strike while he's off balance....you wind him......a look of pain now in his eyes...a moment of realization....the truth dawns...he knows he's no match for you....he sees your opposable thumbs...the achievments mankind have made....and he knows it's over.
Bowing his head in submition...he walks slowly out....begging for clemency.....as you jump up and down on him repeatedly......squashing him into a nasty little stain on you carpet (which will hoover out)

Now, although the deceased was in fact about an inch big and you are about 6' you still feel pretty damn pleased. You afford yourself a little victory dance and, if there is nobody aroung, a little song as well. Something on the lines of "I killed you spider, I am the master, you might have more legs,but i was faster..."

That sort of thing......so, one less spider to worry about....but there sure is a lot of flies about now.
DOH!