h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yesterday my ex called me to tell me she was pregnant to the guy she cheated on me with. He recently got arrested, again, and is back in prison, and now she wants me to date her. Other than the fact that every time he gets out of prison she goes to him, so i couldn't trust her if i was inclined to, and even though i want kids at some point, it's her problem and i do NOT go out with people who hurt me and are not trustworthy enough not to do it again. Especially when they expect me to automatically bow to their wishes. Basically what would happen would be that I would end up looking after a child which wouldn't be mine while she would be sleeping around behind my back. So, you can see why I got pissed off at her.

Factor in my depression...

In short, i had a major breakdown last night. It was shocking. I contemplated suicide. Completely irrational i know; I don't have to deal with the stupid little girls problems; they aren't mine. But depression ISN'T rational. In the end my very close friend Flo had to come over and cheer me up. There are only two people who can actually make me happy when I'm depressed, and that is Ursula, my oldest close friend (the one i made straight when I dated her), and Flo, who is a lot like Ursula except Flo is in auckland with me and has borderline OCD, and Ursula recently moved to Wellington with her boyfriend. Normally when I'm depressed, Flo holding me close to her makes me happy again. Last night I was so down that all it did was make me not so sad. I was definately a lot happier than when she arrived, but i still was pretty down. I didn't let her see that i was though; she wouldn't have left otherwise and she needed to sleep and work on assignments. Flo and Sunny are really good friends to me; they are best friends and they are also really close to me. Apparantly because I'm a gentleman and a sweetheart unlike other guys. But I was so upset by my ex's behaviour towards me, as well as an already bad day happening, that if my ex ever tries to come see me and Flo and/or Sunny are around... Lets just say flo and sunny are making me a shirt with large warning labels, including "WARNING: This Person is Protected by FLONANDA SECURITY!", "WARNING: Misuse of this Person will result in greivous bodily harm", and, because all three of us have twisted senses of humour, also "Hand Wash Only", and "PARENTAL WARNING: Do Not Use this Person if Under 18 Years Of Age". And that's the only warning people will get from them from now on apparantly. They don't like to see me hurt, because I'm the nicest, sweetest straight guy they have ever met.

This does all have a point by the way, i'm just in the stage of a depression cycle where you can't stop thinking or talking really so you blather a bit blah....

Basically what it comes down to is my depression cycles are getting closer and closer together. I don't want to distract Flo from her studies too much, but at the moment I'm getting depressed at a rate of once every two days. I am seeing a councillor but have only had two sessions at the moment, so have not gotten much out of it yet. But Flo is literally the only one at the moment who can make me feel good. And I'm going rowing this weekend down at karapiro for the uni games. Leaving today, coming back sunday night. That means I'm going to be alone with my thoughts for three more days. I'm hoping Flo can come over when I get back to watch a movie with me, because if she isn't i'm going to be in real emotional trouble. When i say i was suicidal last night, I couldn't look out the flat window because I was afraid I'd be compulsed to throw myself off...

I really hate what depression is doing to me. I just want to be happy...

Oh, and some of my friends from back in hamilton think I'm mad and now won't talk to me. Like depression is contageous or something.

In short, it feels like its raining sadness inside my brain. I want to be my normal self again, but I really want to avoid mood stabilisers because they kill all emotions. And I wouldn't cope being happy all the time on happy pills either. I really hate this though. I just want to be a normalish guy, not a depressive freak who is afraid of looking out the window when badly depressed...