h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Because it is apparently impossible for people to let the matter lie, and I feel disinclined to explain the situation another time, I have written the following account of what passed between myself and Eleanor Robson (herein known as Ellie). In the sake of public decency, I have omitted some details, but the main facts are accurate. This document has been posted on several websites under my profiles, these being:

 www.gaiaonline.com
 www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2
 www.bebo.com
 www.darkstarlings.com

In all three cases, this document is on my personal account, which is Navigatorblack in all three cases.

To begin with, you have to understand a number of things. The most important of these is that contrary to what some people believe, I do not actually have depression. What I have is self confidence issues, which is a completely different boiling device of aquatic creatures. Other than that, it must be noted that, despite what Ellie might think, despite the letter, I haven’t actually been trying to get her back; most of the time I just want her to leave me be. I also heard on the grape vine that I have been accused of being frigid and not doing the dirty with Ellie. For the record, it’s not me who had a problem with that. Finally, yes, I am a dodgy bastard, but hey, I’m a sea cadet, I’m allowed to be. If you have a problem with me being dodgy, take it up with SCANZ.

It took me two years to get over the girlfriend I had before Ellie fully; not because I loved her that much, but because of the way we broke up. Surprisingly, she and I remain best friends; those of you in WHY and T.S. Rangiriri may even have seen her the second week of last term, when she was up from Telford Rural Polytechnic for a week.

I met Ellie at West Hamiltron Youth, where she and Sadé proceeded to write and draw all over my left arm. Date seekers, I will give you a clue; this was the day before Dylan, the ex drummer from Stardrunk, finally got married. The brides dress was a beautiful green number with a floral pattern; it really suited her. After that, we flirted basically every week, especially at the weekends when we could text each other for free. As we both are quite dodgy people, it would be against good taste to relate what we said in that period. Let it be enough to say that I lived up to Jo, Marcell, and Jacob’s Rangiriri tradition. In the second week of the first term holidays, I asked her to go to a movie with me; Mrs. Henderson Presents, an amazing movie about the historic Windmill Theatre and its history during the 2nd World War. I recommend this strongly to a mature audience. After that, we had lunch at Salma Rasoi in Garden Place, a plate of chips which it took half an hour to get to us, and we watched the Waikato Management School parade by as they are wont to do once a year. After we had finished lunch (where a group of freaks got smart to me, but me and some of the other guys in The Posse didn’t beat the shit out of them because one of them was Ellie’s cousin), we went bowling and then played a game of pool, then wandered around town, looking in David’s Emporium for black velvet handcuffs for Ellie’s friend and at the umbrella which, she assured me, would have gone perfectly with her Umbrella dress [note: having seen the dress, I must agree; it would have finished off the outfit a treat; in fact, I was planning to purchase said umbrella for our four month anniversary, if we ever had gotten that far], then we mucked around until it was time for her to start heading home, riding the free bus and sitting at a coffee place where she ordered Iced Coffee but she settled for a cappuccino because the ice-cream was too hard. That night, I asked her out. I had lacked the nerve during the day, even though when she told me that I made a good place to rest her legs on I nearly did. To my delight she said yes.

Basically, it worked like this. I phoned her twice a week, I saw her on average once a week, and we texted each other in the weekend when she wasn’t working. She had a pyjama party for her birthday, which is the 28th of the 5th. She had gotten new black pyjama’s with polka-dots all over them; my black coffee-themed pyjama’s complemented them perfectly. She got an extraordinary amount of earrings given to her, as she is a woman who loves jewellery. I on the other hand gave her a key ring with:
[]Angel
[]Goddess
[]Princess
[√]All of the above
written on it, a candle in the shape of a flower, a card saying “to my princess” I believe, and a silver Celtic pendant which suited her perfectly. Her dad got a bit upset because we were cuddling close. Matt visited shortly, Sadé and her sister stayed the night; so did two other people whom I do not know very well, Emma was there in a cute one-piece pyjama suit, and Chris, who came over later in the evening because he was invited after it had begun. We watched Madagascar, Bugsy Malone, Kung Pow, and a number of others; we went outside and ate pizza, chips, cheerio’s, and drank Coke. The girls went to bed earlier than the boys, although some of them later came out to watch a bit of television. I believe that I had a total of like two hours sleep max that night; its hard to sleep with someone’s head on your feet. In the morning I made Sadé and Ellie some coffee. She was beautiful.

We argued twice.

Once before and once after the Fraser Ball, which was on the last day of the second term. At the pre-ball I had some Bourbon. It was alright, frankly it didn’t really have much of a flavour. One of the reasons I don’t drink. The ball was great; Kain felt me up. Lol, not really. I was wearing a black shirt, black belt, black trousers, black socks, black shoes, and, surprise, an olive green tie and dark blue Trilby hat. Ellie was wearing an olive green dress and a beautiful necklace with a Cameo Broach in the middle that Rachel had given her. We went to the pre-ball, then got picked up from there and dropped off at the ball in Kimbo Hewett’s beautiful old Cadillac, met up with Kain and Terry, and spent most of the night dancing. I accidentally broke Ellie’s necklace a bit, but all in all it was a great night; Ellie looked beautiful, I looked dashing, and we were both happy. I went away on holiday the next day, so I missed the after-ball, so I don’t know what occurred there. I think it was about this time I told her I loved her. Every so often I spent the night at her house, where we would hold each other tight and kiss surreptitiously until her parents went to bed, when it got a bit more heavy, but never went too far. [note: massage oil tastes nasty]

Then I went away on my SNCO course and spent the entire week thinking about how much I missed my Ellie, and making a list of what I would get her for each of our anniversaries up to a year.
We didn’t argue after that.

We wore the same outfits to the St. Johns ball, and Sadé got in with Daniel Cannel, Sadé wearing a rather pretty dress with an outer layer that lifted out when she spun. She stole my hat for a while. Cherry was slightly drunk and self-conscious; I will not go into that, it does not matter. I kissed Ellie long, hot, and hard near the end of the night on the dance floor. It was really good; the first time we’d really kissed in public.

Then the WHY/FLY ball. The night before Ellie was a bit standoffish, but otherwise alright. She had been acting oddly all week; basically after I had given her a single blood red rose for our three month anniversary, she had been acting strangely. Firstly, she became super overprotective; I was sick for two days, and I jokingly asked her to skip the day and come visit me, and she said she would try to. When we talked that night, it quickly turned to erogenous zones. The same on Wednesday when we talked. Thursday and Friday before Youth she was acting oddly when I texted her, but as I said, nothing seemed too out of place. Saturday she refused to talk to me for ages, then at the ball, where we once again wore the same outfits, Ellie won the best female model award, and had me and Warren on her lap at one point, saying that she had found herself a threesome. Sunday she was acting rather strangely. I knew she was going to dump me. I said the wrong thing at the wrong time, and snap! it was all over. Although I had been expecting it on and off for three days, it didn’t make it any easier. I cried all night. All night long. I was an emotional wreck for two weeks. I came up with a half-baked plan to get her back; I was afraid that if I let her go, if I did nothing, I would lose her completely; laughable now, I doubt she can find a civil word to say to me anymore.

I gave up trying to get her back within three weeks. Those of you who point to the letter and the necklace and earrings I gave her, know this: she was basically leading me on one Sunday night. I thought I had a chance. I didn’t and I know that now. Now, I know that a bunch of you hate me because you think I’m not leaving Ellie alone. No, you’re wrong. I actually did need a friend to talk to, and I thought Ellie actually gave a shit about me. I was wrong again; instead I got a phone call from a friend, telling me that Ellie was going around telling everyone how much she hates my guts, and linking how she feels about the whole thing to me, so that her guilt and fear that she did the wrong thing are anthropomorphised into me, so that I become something to loath and hate. Fine, I was soft on her, but I loved her! Still do, but it’s bittersweet; I also hate to see her, to be in the same room as her. She hurt me way more than I could ever hurt her. Oh, and I don’t have a girlfriend, no matter what you all think.

As The Proclaimers once said, “I don’t believe in second chance; that’s not love it’s just romance”. Well, Ellie was once my one and only, and for that I would date her again. Maybe. Despite what all my friends, peers, and well-wishers think. But if she wants to start a war with me, she’ll find out quickly that no-one opposes the Black Navigator for long. The Shepherd of Shepherds cannot be opposed for long, I don’t seek to take her back, I seek to make my peace. I have never gotten any closure from this relationship.

~Frequently Asked Questions~

Q1) Isn’t Ellie a bitch?!
A1) Yes she is, but that was kinda the point. I like bitches.

Q2) Were you really planning to propose?
A2) Surprising though it may be, yes I was. Christmas day, 2007 was what I’d planned. Though the people I told I told in complete confidence, which is why I am a little disappointed that it leaked out.

Q3) What did you see in her?
A3) She made me happy, she made me feel protected and safe, she helped me through a difficult part in my life. I fell in love with her; she was harsh to those she didn’t like, she had beautiful red hair, her eyes were brilliant, and her lips were soft. When she held me, it felt like nothing else mattered.

Q4) What did she see in you?
A4) Well, she said the following about why she liked me, and I quote, “I like the complements you pay me, and your eyes are so… I don’t know but they are, your hugs are warm and comforting, and the thing you did when we first kissed, I liked the fact you seemed to know just where to touch” … “you make me feel beautiful. It’s one thing to call me beautiful, but it means so much more when you make me believe it”

Q5) What was this “difficult patch” you mentioned?
A5) I don’t like to talk about it to strangers, and they don’t come much stranger than this bunch. If you want to know, ask me personally and if I trust you enough I will tell you. It’s kind of shameful for me to say really, but it doesn’t really affect Ellie so if you’re just one of her friends, she DOES know about it, but you don’t. Muwahaha.

Q7) You remember an extraordinary amount about what you did with her and said to her. Are you sure you’re not just obsessive?!?!
A7) I’m not obsessive. I just have a remarkable memory for things that I do, even years in the past. If I want to, I can describe most events with a surprising level of accuracy, even years ago. Like the Battle ‘O The Water Tower between SCANZ Hamilton, Alf’s Imperial Army Hamilton, and the Hamilton Medievalist Society back when I was a scum-of-the-earth Cadet. Or how me and my first girlfriend Emma, whom I went out with when I was 6(!) passed the time when we were alone. No, I’m not that dodgy. I just kissed her and held her. And we played pool with our hands because we weren’t allowed to use the cues lol. And I learned Shakespeare off rote to impress her; a bit much for the average 6 year old to understand (I did, but I don’t really think she did), I learned the “But hark, what light from yonder window breaks?” speech from Romeo and Juliet, and the “Shall I compare thee to a summers day” thingy for her lol. Hell, I can even describe my old playcenter which I last visited when I was four!

Q8) You mention clothes a lot. This makes me suspicious.. Are you a….
A8) No I’m not gay. Although there is nothing wrong with being gay, and I fully support my gay and lesbian friends, I am not personally gay. Sometimes I act like it because people are annoying me by calling me and The Posse “faggots”. This is called irony, because we do it because Jocks annoy us. As if it was your business anyway you nosey peoples.

Q9) Why are you writing this? Are you trying to hurt her?
A9) No, that’s not the reason. I’m sick of having to explain to people exactly what happened when and why. I would never hurt Ellie on purpose; I try to avoid hurting people.

Q10) Would you really date her again?
A10) Maybe. I would like to take her on one last date, for a sense of closure. Do the same things we did on our first date. Different movie of course, but same activities. Start at the coffee shop, work backwards. See how things go from there. But I doubt that will ever happen.

Q11) Why wouldn’t they ever happen? You don’t know what will happen next year!
A11) yes, but whatever happens to Ellie next year, I will be in Auckland. Unless she is already mine by then, which I doubt, I will probably never see her again. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Q12) Is there anything you need to do, to fulfil promises you made?
A12) Yes there is. Starting from the most recent, I was dared to kiss Ellie, and dance her around Youth Group. I also owe her a massage and a personal bathing. Doubt if I will do any of those without her consent.

Q13) Why did you guys break up?
A13) I don’t like to talk about this to strangers. Ask me personally if you really want to know.

Anyway, I have now written out my account. I am now at ease about what happened. But be ready for updates!!!! They may come at any time. Any further questions, leave them in my normal message box and I’ll answer them. Or use Mail if its more personal. If you want to text me about it, ask for my number.

I'm sorry how it ended between you and Ellie. Issues about confidence ar e always really difficult to deal with - I know that I had serious self confident issues when I was growing up. Had them for a long time, and its difficult to rid yourself of them.

But at the same time - Ellie doesn't sound like she was the right type of girl for you. You have plenty of time to find her. Just remember that you are a decent guy, and that counts for a lot in lot of people's books. Not in everyone's (but they're just weird...), and to be honest they're the ones who aren't really worth the effort.

Thanks Kitush. That means a lot. I just wish her friends would leave me alone. I'd like it if I could just hang out with my mates and my band in peace but no, they have to wreck it. Oh well, I'm not gonna see her until after my exams which end in a month so that'll be good..

They take perverse pleasure out of hounding you I guess. Just things that kids do. Try to ignore them if you can, or change your hangouts.

Just focus on your exams. As for self confidence...Try to feel comfortable with who you are. You have to feel confident about yourself, as corny as that sounds. Dont second guess yourself, or feel like you're not as good as othe rpeople, because they may not have skills that you have, and you may not have skills that they have.

I guess I just expected Ellie to be more mature. She dumped me by text, even though she justified this by ringing me for a total of 20 seconds afterwards to tell me that she couldn't love me. I mean, thats just really harsh. I always do it in person, but apparantly she couldn't. Oh well, no point in dwelling upon it, if she's going to play silly ...persons... then she can play it with someone else.

yeah. But remember that at the end of the day, she's only 15 or 16 (sorry cant remember her age...), and i know that girls dont mature emotionally for a while. She showed her maturity by doing what she did.

So forget her.

Apparantly I'm going out with my best mate, according to people at ellie's school. I don't think I'd want to brave going out with Ursula again, even if we are best mates. She's great an all, but it didn't work last time and probably wouldn't again. I love ursula, but only as a friend.

Let them speculate. Everyone needs a hobby, and for some people it's just gossiping and speculation.

She sounds special - your friend Ursula. I'll let you into a secret (but keep this between you, myself and all the other on this thread )

School was an interesting experience for me. When I was little, I thougth I had lots of friends, but the truth was that they were talking nasty things about me behind my back. It was fun for them to be nice to me to my face but cruel behind my back. When I found out, it shattered me. I was 9 or 10 at the time. I went to secondary school with self esteem problems. I thought I was ugly, horrible and just not worth of people's interests. I had good friends at school, but you never get over those issues. You always wonder why no-one ever notices you, or why all your friends have guys interested in them and not you.

I had friends but it wasn't until I hit university that I really built up my confidence. I had all these friends at uni, and they liked hanging out with me. It felt good to know that and I realised I was likeable. It helped that I had a guy interested in me in my first and it was a big boost to my self esteem.
When I did my masters, my two friends help build that confidence, and it was at that point I met my boyfriend.

Its tough and its why I dont want to live through my school years again.

You sound pretty mature, which is one up from me. I wasn't fully mature emotionally at that age. It took me a long time to build up that maturity.

Ursula is pretty special. She's got an ..ursulariness about her. The only time she doesn't is when she's with her half sisters. She really loves them, it's really cute. I have a problem with people because I want to trust them, but they mostly end up using me which hurts.