h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For an internet novice like myself, tracking you down has taken some time. Anyway, now I've finally found you, I'll not ramble on too much before getting to the point. It's more of a question than a point, actually, but we won't dwell on such trivialities for now, if it's ok with you.

It was your good friend Enigmatic 1 who advised me too seek your help. He speaks most highly of you, and assures me, "you're the man!". (Is my punctuation alright in that last sentence?) Anyway, to cut a long story short, the point/question is this: Where should I look for inspiration when none is forthcoming naturally?

As you can see, it's an open-ended question. Hope this is ok, I couldn't think of any other way to phrase the question/point.

Allow me to thank you in advance for taking time out from your undoubtedly hectic schedule to advance the knowledge base of a young grasshoppper keen to grow. (That sentence seems a bit long, what do you think?)

SP

Thanks for your message, SP. I have a couple of points to make which I hope will help you in your quest for relevance.

You ask me if your punctuation is right in the following sentence: 'He [Enig] speaks most highly of you, and assures me, "you're the man!".'

I don't like the comma after 'me' much, but there's no real harm in it and it doesn't affect the sense. However, the sentence itself doesn't work. When Enig assures you "you're the man!", does he mean you're the man, or I'm the man?

It isn't clear at all. You should have written something like: 'He speaks most highly of you, and assures me that "you're the man!"' But you could still be me, and vice versa; and why those clumsy quotes?

If you had written simply: 'He speaks most highly of you, and assures me you're the man!' or better still: 'He speaks most highly of you, and assures me that you're the man!' I would have had no inkling of doubt about your meaning or about Enig's judgement.

Your other question – 'Where should I look for inspiration when none is forthcoming naturally?' – is more tricky. You call it open-ended, and I need to know which end is the open one.

Your penultimate sentence was not overlong at all in view of the not unattractive verbosity that appears to prop up your otherwise unremarkable writing style. If the grasshopper metaphor refers to your attention span, then you have too much hard learning upon which to concentrate for me to take up any more of your time.

Oh, except to say that I have read your recent works and have to point out that one cannot be bored of something. One can be bored WITH it, or bored BY a person, but one simply cannot be bored OF anything.

Thank you, finally, for your gratitude.

With my very best wishes for your continued development,

I remain, your friend

Fergus

It's moments like these that make all the other nonsense more than worthwhile. Thank you!

Your lengthy response to my initial punctuation question goes well beyond my humble expectations. Hopefully, I'll take it all onboard, and move forward with renewed vigour. However, my initial question was more about the !". part at the end of the sentence. It is situations like these that cause me most concern. What goes inside or outside the inverted commas?

Moving on, I'm thrilled you find my verbosity not unattractive. And as for my otherwise unremarkable writing style, I'm just glad to have a style. Whether freestyle, slopestyle, or Nobby Stiles, it doesn't really matter at the moment. It gives me something to work on in the new year.

The grasshopper reference is about Cain from Kung Fu. Remember him? Walking the earth, getting into scrapes, etc! (I'm sure I don't have to point out at this stage that in this fantasy you're the master.)

Hope I'm not boring you too much. Hope you're not bored with me. Hope you're not bored by me. I now know, no matter what. you can't be bored of me. Cheers! (I've changed the offending line in the offending poem.)

Thanks again!

Yours sincerely,

Your humble apprentice,

SP

Dear Scarlet One,

Humility in a writer is a rare and, where warranted, a valuable quality: you have my respect in this matter.

I did get the Kung Fu reference, thank you, glasshopper. That fictional student's name (given or assumed, I can't remember) was Kwai Chang Caine, with an 'e'. I do urge you to research accurately your subject and your spelling before going public in the future, for your own self-respect.

<< . . . my initial question was more about the !". part at the end of the sentence, >> you write. And indeed, I did not at the time pick up on the trifling solecism of that redundant full-point following the exclamation mark (or dog's cock, as we were taught to call it at journalism school) and inverted commas (quotes). It is to be borne in mind that the exclamation mark shares the finality of the full-stop (full-point), as does the question mark (or query). There are exceptions, but they are too uncommon to concern us here. In any event, this rule is not rigid! and can be broken for effect without fear of contumely from grammarians (pedants) such as myself. Nonetheless, your full-point was unnecessary and, grammatically speaking, tautologous.

With regard to concluding inverted commas, or quotes, the general rule is that they go OUTSIDE punctuation such as commas or full-stops. As Fowler makes clear: "The logic assumes that the comma/full-stop is in intrinsic part of the sentence being quoted, while the quotation mark is not and should therefore be excluded." Excluded is here used, of course, in the sense of being kept outside [the sentence], rather than of being forcibly ejected.

I am delighted that you have learnt something useful from my comments on the dread proliferation of the use of 'bored of'. It is one of my bêtes noires, along with 'fed up of' and other similarly chavian turns of phrase. That you have revised the error in your poem is a great joy and comfort to me.

'Nobby Stiles' is good, requiring a well-chosen degree of poetic licence in the spelling. Having said that, I would not describe your personal style as 'nobby'; knobby, possibly (no offence intended).

Boring? This? Of course not. A teacher can never be bored, so long as he has a willing pupil.

Kindest regards,

fergus

Dearest Fergus,

Can I quote you on the issue of your respect for me? Go on, what harm can it do?

As for the spelling of Caine, I'll take your word for it, but now I can't help but picture Michael Caine in the starring role, giving it, "My name is Kwai Chang Caine!" Sorry! I'll remember to undertake more rigorous research in future, if only for the sake of my self-respect.

Now then, the main event: my solecistic, tautological behaviour. Consider me cured, Master! Cheers!

I'm having trouble though with your expression, "chavian turns of phrase." What does chavian mean? I can't find it in my medium-sized dictionary. For a short while, I even thought you may have spelled it wrong, but soon gave myself a kick and came to my senses.

Knobby? Mmmmmmm?

Thanks again! In future, I'll not hesitate to approach your highness with other grammatical posers. Enigmatic was right. You are indeed, the man!

SP

chav - council house and violent, chavian, derivative of same (sorry ferg, bored). Enigmatic is a sweetie, one of those ones that you suck long and hard only to find there's nothing in the middle.

G'day

"... you suck long and hard only to find there's nothing in the middle."

I told you already it was nothing against you, morrie. You just couldn't get me THERE, you know? I guess I just need a pretty face to get me going. And besides, with a mouth that big a horse would be lucky to touch the sides...

My ears were burning

Talk about lowering the tone of the place. Is there no end to this madness?

SP

funny that your ears only burn when *i* mention your name, what do you do, scout round my pf to see what i'm up to?

and calling me ugly, dear me, you stupid pathetic little boy.

I am being nosey

whats all this about?

enig and i don't get on, he has an inferiority complex which manifests as arrogance, he also seems to have 'issues' with strong women who refuse to accomodate his rather pathetic purile humour. you watch, he'll come back to this one with something ultra witty (snide) with regard to whether or not i am a strong woman. problem is, he really knows nothing about me.

weather was awful this morning, saw my milkman at about 7.00am and he was not a happy chappy.

Even as we speak, morrie, Enig is composing his riposte to your milkman anecdote. It will come soon enough.

I am a little perturbed that this urbane, civilised and – dare I say – intelligent conversation between scarlet and myself, about serious issues, has been hijacked by Enig's malicious rudeness and inability to appreciate a joke (although, to be fair, it was he who suggested that scarlet should come to me for counsel, I being the man).

Your own initial intervention, morrie, seemed to be fair comment, and Enig's startled reaction, like that of a stoat stumbling into a gintrap in the darkness, was all too predictable and, as you point out, puerile.

Kindest regards,

fergus

"Even as we speak, morrie, Enig is composing his riposte to your milkman anecdote."

Give me a chance, I was out I'll try to address the more interesting points raised...

"funny that your ears only burn when *i* mention your name, what do you do, scout round my pf to see what i'm up to?"

If you read the thread you'd see that my name has been mentioned before. I (tongue firmly in cheek) suggested Pimp ask Fergus about his inspiration problems. He then went on to quote me as saying Fergus was "the man", etc. Of course I'd be watching with interest after such a blatant lie...

"and calling me ugly, dear me, you stupid pathetic little boy."

I didn't call you ugly, that's not my style (not as a serious insult, anyway). That's the thing, you obviously over-estimate how much effort I put into these exchanges. I don't see them as wars, but rather a bit of fun. It's not my fault I'm good at it It could mean that you're plain, no oil painting, whatever. It actually means none of those because it was a mere quip, just like your earlier comments about my "small p***k" or however you worded it. Neither quip was based on fact, but hey, I suppose your comment was the height of wit in comparison

"problem is, he really knows nothing about me."

Just as you know nothing about me, and yet you feel it's OK for you to make conjectures about me and my personality(?). Curious.

"Enig's malicious rudeness and inability to appreciate a joke."

Erm, but my comments were jokes, so it would seem the tables have turned. Funny. Even my initial suggestion to pimp was a joke, and he knows it was because he's aware of what I think of you. It's been noted how you failed to even answer the REAL question about inspiration

But now I'm done, so you can answer it and get on with your "urbane" conversation. If you can resist taking swipes at me you shan't hear from me henceforth (on this thread). I think it's perfectly reasonable to respond to a derogatory comment.

Fergus! You are a genius! How can I thank you?

Enig! You were SO right! Fergus is without doubt...the man!

SP the freshly inspired

If your comments to Morrie were jokes, Enig, then they went right past me. I thought jokes were funny, or at least amusing.

Morrie's was, quite, and clearly she had noted your name in connection with scarlet's original plea for help and guidance, so her jest at your expense was by no means inappropriate. The fusillade of ill-natured abuse that followed from you was, however, neither appropriate nor entertaining. Perhaps you should take more time in composing yourself before composing your responses, to give the bile time to settle.

You seem to imagine that I misread scarlet's original, Enig-inspired intention to wind me up; but, of course, if you'd only half understood my replies you would see that I didn't. Unlike you, however, I erased hubris and malice from my intellectual drawing board before I responded.

Your habit of sneaking around people's spaces looking for insult is a bit creepy, to tell you the truth.

fergus

You're so paranoid, Fergus. As far as I know, Pimp doesn't dislike you at all. He even stands up for you sometimes! Sure, he's a quirky chap and he's probably amusing himself in some way, but he's certainly not acting on my whims.

As for the...

"If your comments to Morrie were jokes, Enig, then they went right past me. I thought jokes were funny, or at least amusing."

Not all jokes are meant to make YOU laugh, nor the person at the brunt of them, Ferg. You should know that, old boy Besides, having read your airport piece, I don't hold your humour in high esteem anyway. A Fergus approved joke is a comical kiss of death.

I think you have some serious unresolved issues little man, perhaps it's something to do with your winky, or lack of job status (if you believe in such a thing), maybe sex is unsatisfactory for you, whatever it is, it really is becoming very boring and repetitive. you're not much fun anymore, but i still adore fergus, obviously, seems the older the man, the longer he can last.

There you go again, morrie. You say I know nothing about you, yet it's OK for you to make (erroneous) assumptions about me and my life. What curious logic you adhere to. Or lack thereof. And you adore Fergus? I bet your hubby is chuffed

there i go again - so no matter that i have a gob so large a horse's penis wouldn't touch the sides, or that i have been round the block so often i have worn off the edges (perhaps that wasn't directed at me, but so what, you still think it's ok to say that to someone else). double standards enig, hypocricy/hypocracy young boy. ok for you to make up 'jokes' about fergus' internet trawling sexuality, but not ok for anyone to respond to you in the same vein AFTERWARDS. as the old saying goes, if you don't like taking it, don't give it (but you wouldn't know what a strap on was if it f***ed you up the ar*e - shame really, i think you'd like it, it could satisfy some of your rather obvious submissive tendancies).

erroneous assumptions, oh give it a break with your one rule for everyone else and no rules for yourself. do you know why i don't like you? because you're are inconsistently discriminatory, you're annoying, if you were dangerous i might be interested.

and as for my chuffed husband, grow up, i am not willing to discuss the complexities of my relationship with an imbecile. suffice to say, that by your age i had been in a monogamous relationship for 3 years, still am, how about you, or are you just picky, lol. do you not understand the nature of a relationship based on desire, or the younger submissive woman enjoying the attentions of an older man? it's dead simple really enig, desire has not to be satisfied to continue to exist, the flirtation with fergus is part of a psychological need i have to constantly rediscover that thrill ... oh i can't be bothered, but i know fergus will understand.