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Rhinoceros

Post 1

Mathias Uncertain

The RHINOCEROS is, as has been remarked before in earlier editions of this wholly remarkable book, itself remarkable for possessing nasal passages that are larger than its brain.
It is also the world's most endangered large, land-dwelling mammal (although see entry on GORILLAS and cross reference to the Oxford English Dictionary's definition of "large").
Hunted to near extinction by the vain and the sexually desperate this mottley collection of odd-toed ungulates once formed a vast family that included the largest land mammal ever to walk, or possibly stomp, the earth. The rhino's horn is actually an outgrowth of compacted hair; so those of you who feel the need to ingest it on the dubious grounds that it increases sexual prowess, or to own a small jewelled dagger made of the stuff, could just use something extracted from the U-bend of your shower. Generally associated with its heavyweight compatriots, the elephant and hippopotamus, the rhinoceros is actually more closely related to the horse, but under no circumstances should you attempt to saddle one up.
There are six species of rhinoceros alive today, spread across three continents.
The WHITE RHINOCEROS is so called not because of the colour of its skin, which is a mid-grey, but from a mistranslation of the Afrikaans word "weit" meaning "wide" and referring to the animal's square-lipped mouth. The white rhino exists as two sub-species, although there is some debate over the real distinction between the two, which may be more behavioural than genetic. The southern white rhino has experienced a recent up-turn in fortunes in its native South Africa following successful conservation and breeding programmes, and now numbers in the thousands. The white rhinos you see in zoos are, to the best of my knowledge, all of the southern variety. The northern white rhino, confined to the the Democratic Republic of Congo's Garamba National Park - currently a battle zone - numbered maybe a couple of dozen before civil war broke out. This meagre population would most likely have been lost to poachers long ago if it was not for the efforts of KES and FRASER HILLMAN-SMITH, heroes of LAST CHANCE TO SEE, ably supported by the WWF and IRF among others.
The rhinos you are most likely to see in zoos, wildlife documentaries, and appeals for funds, are BLACK RHINOCEROSES. These are so named not for the colour of their skin, but for the simple fact that they are not white. Where white rhinos have wide lips, ideally suited for grazing, black rhinos have a prehensile upper lip which helps them to browse from the shrubbery.
Both African species (black and white) have two horns, one behind the other, the front one being the longer.
The GREATER ONE-HORNED ASIATIC RHINOCEROS, or Indian rhino for short, is the largest of the terran rhinos alive today. As the name suggests, the Indian has just the one horn. Its thick, warty and gnarled armour-like skin was made famous by Durer's classic woodcut. The male Indian rhino is startlingly well-endowed, has deadly aim in the urinating backwards stakes, and is an accomplished abstract artist. Foremost among the species' maestros is the now legendary Kumar of Whipsnade Wild Animal Park, Bedfordshire, England, whose original master-pieces may be purchased from the Park for a very reasonable sum.
The least known rhinos on Earth are the JAVAN and SUMATRAN. The Javan, or lesser one-horned asiatic rhino, lives on Java, and that is really as much as this researcher knows. The Sumatran is unusual for being covered in reddish-brown hair, presumably so that it can hang around with ORANG UTANs without being noticed. It is also unusual for having the rear horn longer than the front one. Little is known about either species because they inhabit such remote areas, and it is thought that their populations number in the low hundreds.
The final rhino species is, of course, the ARCTURAN MEGA-RHINOCEROS, whose fortunes exactly reverse those of their distant relatives on Earth. The Mega-Rhino, in out-evolving the Arcturan Mega-donkey, developed brains which are bigger than their nasal passages, and set about hunting down hapless Vogons to dry and grind up into powder to increase their sexual prowess and make stunningly bejewelled dagger handles out of their bones. In hunting the Vogons to near extinction, much to the relief of the rest of the Galaxy, the Mega-Rhinos discovered a new niche for themselves running the Galactic Civil Service, as a by-product, reducing by several millions waiting lists for many Galactic Government services.
That their practice of urinating backwards on their customers has contributed to this is vigorously denied.
If you wish to help save the last straggling remains of Rhino population on your home planet, there are many organisations who will be pleased to make good use of your money. Of these, two of the most significant are the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) and the International Rhino Foundation (IRF), both of which run a number of sponsorship and adoption schemes. You may also choose to sponsor captive breeding of rhinos, London Zoo and Whipsnade Wild Animal Park in the UK (among others) and the National Zoo at Oregon in the USA I know to have such programmes. This entry will be updated with contact details in my next transmission.


Rhinoceros

Post 2

Nigel The Goatless

Hello Uncertain one

I'm not sure if you have posted this article in two locations but I thought I had posted a reply to this and I know I have seen it come up on my browser. However, my reply dosn't seem to be on the end of this thread. On the other hand the techology may be getting the better of me again.

Do you know which of Douglas Adams' books contained the passage where he described the sense of smell of the rhinoceros? I think it was the South Bank Show (UK TV) that mentioned this, where Adams described how the rhinoceros' sense of smell affected the way in which it perceived reality.

If possible please reply by email. Thanks, N.


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