h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

It's a quarter past five in the afternoon on a hot and stuffy autumn's day. The river Seine floats silvery between its stony banks, dry leaves rusttle past on the pavement, the traffic is doing a slow passegiata.
Finally the MonaLisaah appears from the backdoor of the museum. For this day her working hours are over. At leisure they saunter along the riverbank.
"How was your day, MonaLisaah?"
"Busy."
In silence the two continue their walk until on the opposite side of the avenue their destination comes into view. Looking in both directions they make their way across the avenue carefully avoiding a collision with the slow moving vehicles towards the pavement on other side. There they find the long and narrow slit between two large and stately buildings. It is called the 'Alley of the Thirsty Hearts' and they disappear in to it.
There is no room to walk next to each other so they hurry one after the other through the long, dark and cool alley until finally they arrive at a wide and spacious square.
The square is empty apart from a big tree that has stood in the middle for centuries.
The tree is called 'The Poisonous Tree' after the poem of Blake:

" I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow."

On the far left of the square some empty tables and chairs stand underneath a sign, saying:

TAVERN OF THE OL'NICK

There is a hole in the wall, the old bricks are still lying criss cross around the chairs and under the tables.
This is the entrance of the Tavern. They step into the hole of the wall and a roar of voices meets them as they enter.
The place is packed.
Immediately on the left is K. reading a book and occassionally looking up and stealing a furtive glance at Madame A. Karenin who sits as usual alone at her table, her clothes stained and in disarray, drinking ostentaneously and greedily from a pint of .
On the opposite side at the near entrance is a big table with many people around it. They recognize Murdoch in the company of Russell, Sartre and De Beauvoir. Murdoch has her head close to Russell's and is whispering sweet nothings into his ear. Sartre has De Beauvoir nearly in tears as he keeps on repeating loudly: "It's disgusting, you hear, DISGUSTING".
Next to them sits Brel, reading the evening paper.
Mademoiselle O. (de Sauvage) sits on the lap of a french speaking industrialist, her pretty bare feet still covered with mud. At the sight of this Krabatt's heart breaks. He averts his face from her beauty. Her body and face underline the truth of the statement that in Belgium 'the woman are more beautiful than the horses'.
Behind them leaning against the wall are Finkielkraut and Levy. Levy shouts:
"But, but ... the devil is in YOUR head."
"Pas de calomnie! Pas de calomnie, mon cher", Finkielkraut keeps replying.
Behind them on the wall hangs a cigarette advertisement in the words of Apollinaire:
"Je ne veux pas travailler
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
Je veux seulement oblier
et puis je fume..."
At the other side of the table are Yourcenar and Hadrian playing chess. They are discussing the current position of the horse and the queen. According to Yourcenar the black queen had moved to the side of the board after the white horse had been put forward, Hadrian doubts the chess playing skills of white. August is standing behind them and says the set up reminds him of the fresco's in Livia's bathroom.
On the other side are Miller, Proust, Juan Gris and Kesey in loud discussion.
Miller accuses Proust of forgetting to put a full stop in his sentences which resulted in a wrong translation which Kesey kept busy reading and rereading the sentence for days and he puts the blame on Miller as he was proof reading. As soon as Miller spots the MonaLisaah his pulls her on his lap. She starts banging his bald skull with her Very, Very, Very expensive handbag shouting:
"Why, you rascal, you never, not once did you pay me a visit at the Louvre."
From his pocket Miller retrieves a telegram saying the that according to the lightbulb factory the demand for chips is falling which will result in mass unemployment in Eastern Asia and a falling in prices of shares of potatoes and will save the lives of many pup seals.
The MonaLisaah get the calculator from her handbag and starts practising her maths.
An orange hits her in the back. Two women are fighting. Anna Boleyn is swinging her head at Nell Gwyn. The actress is throwing oranges at the former queen.
"It's all propaganda, anyway", mutters Mary Stuart.
A man with a black wig of long curls watches this with a bemused smile meanwhile stroking the spaniel on his lap.
"You are in the wrong time gap", shouts Nell Gwyn. "In your time the roles of women were still played by men!"
At the bar are Alice the Angry Aleuth and Ike Sallas, snogging heavenly. Kesey watches this over the shoulder of Juan Grey next to Proust. His mien is contorted, there is envy in his eyes as he watches his own creation getting the better of him.
A sign on the bar reads:
'Help yourself
I pay you later
and you may keep the change"

Can't you edit this?

No, I don't think so.

Dommage.

... rend sage. I really don't get the message of the telegramme ...
Now what do I buy or sell ... I have to get in contact with the niche - player at Wall Street before this ends in an airconditioned nightmare.

A drink first ... let's see what is in the fridge behind the bar ...

I see, I have to sign my name in the guestbook first ... "X".

Donna MonaLisaah, can you get me a sorbet? I'll be outside on one of the branches of the tree ... I cannot anymore stand the sight of this french speakign indiustrialist bastard with my sweet heroine on his lap. My heart breaks ... why didn't she stay at the Kapellekesbaan?

Here is your sherbet, Krabatt.

Settles comfortably in the tree and takes the straw into his mouth. Both KlaasVaak and the MonaLisaah watch with fascination how the bird with relish starts sucking at the straw.



Well, ahum, I think we should sort this out. We have taken our time ... we took a good look around this spot. So what is the idea now? Do we need a plan de campagne, what is our motive for being here, anyway? I'm not even quite sure I like it here ...
Their intentions are clear, as far as I can comprehend it.
So how do you, KlaasVaak, MonaLisaah, and I progress?
Do we stay or will we take our leave?

Well, we've come this far ...
And it was a long time ago ...
And we are not that inventive or vindictive.
Most of the matter is sorted out ... a few question remain unanswered and it is doubtful they ever will be answered. Do we want them to be answered? If the truth is told, will we like it? Lets face it, we cannot contribute any further to the story ... neither is it requested.

Oh dear, I've done it again

It's good.

I like it as well.

Bon. We can move on. Where did the MonaLisaah go?

It's going fab.

Ah, there you are.