h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I used to have all the Pratchett but I was moving and needed the space and as I'd read them all so many times I sold my entire collections of Terry Pratchett, Robert Asprin, Tom Holt and Stephen King. I still miss them from time to time, particularly Terry who lives reasonably near me although I've never met him.
So how long does it take you to cut ALL your toenails? And how do you always get that fresh laundry smell?

lets see, clipping the toenails takes about a half hour. I have a built in washing machine and drying with automatic downy ball action.

That's pretty quick work when you consider just how many toes you have and the fact that you don't have any hands to hold the clippers.
Thankyou for your insights into Rubbish Pedicure

I don't need hands to hold the clippers, all I need is a big piece of sand paper or other similar rough surface and I can file them

Call me a suspicious paranoid bastard, but I think you may be fibbing somewhere. You definitely said clipping earlier and now you say you file them on a rough surface.
Why don't you just come out and admit it? You have become such a popular character that you have turned into a Prima Donna and demanded an entourage of pedicurists from Pratchett or you won't appear in any more books.