h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sorry to hear
1/ That you work in a crappy job.
2/That you make crappy money.
3/ that you have a crappy love life (at least you have one - I just got a filthy e-mail from a woman and that's been the highlight of my year. It was a pretty bloody good e-mail actually).
4/That you are an American (that's got to be a real bummer ).

Never fear, all is not lost - the first three items can be changed!
I love the ending of your intro on your userpage, shows a real gallows sense of humour (or you're genuinely severely depressed , one or the other). Grab life by the short and curley's and give it hell, yank.
Best of luck to you.

Actually, all of them can be changed, at least legally (and theoretically). A change of citizenship is possible, although I suppose I would be American culturally for the remainder of my days. And why can't I be genuinely depressed AND have gallows humor? When's a better time to laugh then when the noose is actually around your neck? (The previous statement was actually a joke, and should not be taken as a literal wish to hang. Bad way to go, anyway.) I'm a bit curious as to why being an American should be a bummer from your perspective. I've got my reasons, but the sad thing is I can't think of a better place to live, outside of maybe Lichtenstein; but that's just because I don't know anything about Lichtenstein other than it's small and they make stamps.

Oh, and I'm not sure I want to be grabbing life's short and curly's; what if Life has crabs?

Well I'm delighted to say that you do have a sense of humour. I'd love to explain why being a yank is a bummer, but fear I would hurt your feelings and put a premature end to this conversation. Speaking of gallows humour, the most famous bushranger (that's a murderous criminal from the old days in case you've never heard the term) that Australia ever had had this to say when they were putting the noose over his scone, "So it's come to this. Ah well, such is life". F***ing idiot.

Please, feel free to expound on why yanks suck. Believe me, you won't hurt my feelings. Part of the reason that I joined the Guide was that it was primarily British, and therefore free of the typical American viewpoint. I enjoy hearing other nationalities opinions, even if I don't agree with them; it puts everything in perspective, something I think my fellow countrymen (and ladies) lack. And believe me, if it's about the war, I've probably heard it before...

OK, I hope you don't get offended, but yes it is largely to do with both world wars. The US stood out of both encounters until the 15th round and then came in and delivered the knockout punch to a weary foe. They were not significant on the world stage before WW1, and made their money and status by watching the British and my people die en masse. They even asked the Brits to pay cash for supplies in case they were defeated before settling the bill. They also watched us suffer in WW2. Pearl Harbour was not a surprise attack, we received the message here and informed the British, who passed it on to America. But by this time the US needed a damn good reason for joining the fight after having indoctrinated their public with "isolationism" for so long. Pearl Harbour was the reason they needed. I'm not 100% sure if the President was in the know, but it appears now that the telegram was stolen off the Navy Admirals desk, so he was unable to take action. The behaviour of US troops in my country during WW2 was so obnoxious that there was a 4 day exchange of fire between them and our servicemen. It's known as The Battle of Brisbane. Most galling of all is the fact that they continually produce movie after movie about how they won the war. Some even change history (The Battle of Britain and the one where a german naval enigma was recovered, I think it was called U571 or something). I have more reasons, but they're pretty much along the above lines, so I'll stop there. I hope you are not offended because although I might think the US sucks as a nation it doesn't mean the individuals that live there are all nasty pieces of work. If I haven't offended you I would like to hear more about that crappy job and substandard love life you have. Hope to hear from you.

Actually, I was referring to the current war, or whatever the f@#$ (can we curse on this thing?) it is now. Occupation, I guess. Anyway, you are pretty much correct on our track record in world wars. Since you're Australian, perhaps you have the great privilege to live with a government that is not wholeheartedly owned by big business. I don't know because, sadly, I know nothing of your government. My guess is a two house parliamentary system loosely based on English rule, but beyond that, I dunno. I do apologize for any of my countrymen who have misbehaved themselves overseas; I did not know about the Battle of Brisbane. Outside of the obvious political advantages of our actions in the war era (I think most people in the world would agree that political advantage rarely is bothered with such things as ethics or morals), I would like to defend our position somewhat:

WWI was an European mess. Why they couldn't keep their traditional problems to themselves this time is anybody's guess. We got involved because it seemed as though it was getting out of hand, and the Kaiser was having world domination dreams. So we decided to have a go at it, and we were lucky enough to come up with the first modern tank, so we helped give that extra little push.

WWII was an entirely different matter. It was a combination of things: old grudges, finger pointing as a result of worldwide depression, and again, a German with world domination ideas. While I would agree that the "isolationism" was partly a sham on the behalf of the politicians lining their pockets with British and German gold, it was also a legitimate feeling on the part of the American people. We were coming out of a horrible depression, and American industry was finally getting some work. Isolationism was a kneejerk reaction to the horrors of the first world war. You see, America is a kneejerk country. We ignore something for as long as possible, and when we finally get bit, you see a huge overreaction that lasts 5 minutes. We're like a drunk Irishman: if you say the wrong thing to him, he'll smash your face in; but five minutes later he'll be crying in his pint over how much he loves you. Same thing happening today: Europe and all sorts of other places has had terrorism problems for decades, but we only notice when someone smashes a couple of jets into some tall buildings. Hindsight is 20/20, and sometimes I think that's the only way we see.

In summary, should we have stepped in earlier? Yes, probably. If I was writing this at the time that it occurred, would I think the same way? Probably not. Does America have it's flaws? More than I could possibly count. But name me a country that doesn't. Please. Because then I could move there.

PS You forgot to mention that we sold the gas to the Germans, and that a great deal of Hitler's anti-Semetic pro-Germanic theory was based on a paper written at Johns Hopkins University, not 15 minutes away from where I sit right now.

Oh, and I wasn't offended. I seriously think the server would run out of room if I were to spell out everything that I, personally, think is wrong with America, and our conduct in the world wars would look shiny and commendable in the face of most things on that list. Besides, I've heard lots of foreign (from my point of view, that is) attacks on America, and yours is the first of it's kind to me.

I'm very pleased that you weren't offended because that was not my intention. I thought I'd point out a couple of things you may not have known, like the Battle of Brisbane and the not-so-surprise attacl on Pearl Harbour. Glad that you took it in the way it was meant. Now about that crappy job and sub-standard love-life. What's going on with all of that? And what the hell is Asmod7, weren't they the backing group for the Jackson 5?

The Battle of Brisbane I admit to ignorance of, as I am woefully lacking any considerable knowledge of Australia other than it has exported quite a bit of terrible things such as Fosters and Yahoo Serious, not to mention Crocadile Dundee. The Pearl Harbor "suprise" attack I had heard in it's many variations from mislaid telegrams to downright active government information suppression in the name of some global conspiracy. Sadly, we will probably never know the truth, which I feel the peoples familites at least have the right to know. MHO, however, is rarely shared by my government's.

Asmod7 is one of those things that seems to have signifigance but really doesn't. Basically, over the course of my online involvement from BBSs to modern Internet, I've had quite a few handles, but they were apparently too common on the web. So I picked one from a book character (I think; it's not a real firm fact in my mind) and a number, just so I could get some continuity in logins. I also first learned online etiquete from petty hackers and pirates, so having a unique handle is kind of important to me, even if it's not anything special. I like the mystique of it's seeming importance...

As regarding my sub-par social and economic lives, that is a long, boring story that comes down to me being a little bit broken in the head region, and being at a point in my life where I just needed to lie still for a bit and catch my breath. Nothing I can't live with for at least a short while, if ultimately the rewards are greater.

PS Biomass could mean any number of things, many of which are quite disgusting. I'm not sure I need clarification on that, as the results might upset my delicate digestion.

Well I thought the physics term "critical mass" sounded very cool, but when I went to use it someone else apparently already had (I've never seen them, I feel robbed). I just altered the thing to a term within my own field (microbiology). It simply means estimation of weight of all oganisms in a given habitat (eg. soil). It is often used in regard to microorgabisms, but can be all life. The biomass of a lake would include bacteria, plants, fish, and birds. Or it could be the biomass of the Earth, which is the way I choose to look at my handle - the combined weight of all life on Earth.

Well, it probably worked out, as critical mass might not be such a good handle on a site that has open editorials by random members. Someone might read into the name as a mass which is critical; which it is, but not critical as in "about to explode" but "nitpicker."

I see what you mean, but I have to admit if I had known this site was a meeting place for wannabe writers I would never have joined in the first place. Isn't that what "Get Writing" is for. They should declare on the front page that "this site contains 95% aspiring authors". Every second userpage you check out says "I'm a writer and blah, blah, blah...". No your not, you've never been published and you don't make your living from it. Be honest and say "I'm a supermarket shelf stacker but I really enjoy writing, what a pity I suck at it and always will". Sorry if that sounds way too harsh but I don't like people elevating themselves beyond the reality of their station in life. By the way I was not putting down the supermarket shelf stacker, there's nothing wrong with that (I've had worse jobs), I was putting down the so-called writer. Why is it that every time I send a message to you I sound like a bitter, twisted, a**ehole? Maybe I am, who knows. Either way we gotta get a new topic.

Yeah, there probably should be a disclaimer about that. Once upon a time, I envisioned myself as a writer, though thankfully I never convinced myself I was one. I always thought of it as "I write" not "I am a writer." There is a fundamental difference between the two, I think, but publishing isn't the marker. Many of literature's greatests writers either never published in their lifetimes, or made so little of it that it wouldn't constitute a living. But you are correct: most people who write seem to think that it's good stuff, when 95% of it is garbage. It's still a valuable emotional tool, being able to link raw emotion and experience to the literal word, but that doesn't make it art to the rest of the world. I found this out in high school: I was the second editor-in-chief of an underground literary magazine, and our policy was no censorship. This has it's ups and downs, as one would assume this opened the door for more controversial material, but mostly it just meant I had to publish some absolute trash all in the name of free speech. You win some, you lose some...

Anyway, being a bitter asshole isn't a bad thing. Or at least I would hope not, me being a part of that particular order. Maybe we should start a club, a type of guild like the Masons or such...

Hehehehehe, a no-censorship policy - my God when you're young you really think anything will work don't you. Glad that my bitter, twisted disposition is not a bad thing. Perhaps we should found the "Order of A*seholes" or "A*seholes Incorporated"? Either way, I'm proud to call the first meeting to order........

On a somewhat similar, if almost totally unrelated, note, have you ever seen the "How to Irritate People" that John Cleese did? I never got around to seeing it, as it's kinda hard to find in the States. Plus I'm lazy and forgetful, as a friend of mine has it, I think.

No, never seen it. But now you mention it it rings a bell, and I'm gonna try to find it - not that I need help in that area. Hell, I probably could've written the script.

Just out of curiousity, and because I believe our previous conversation has run it's course, what led you to my little chunk of the guide?

I'm not sure. Probably just relieved to find someone who didn't start their page with "I'm a writer and.......". There are more tools on this site than in pit lane during a Formula 1 round. Glad you're not one of them. Harsh man, aren't I?

Nah. Though we've been over this before, that sort of thing is a vague kind of name-dropping. It's like saying, "I'm a member of the elite literary arts, and if you aren't...well..."

I don't tell people what I do unless asked, and I certainly don't volunteer hobbies.