h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Night fell over Sirtakiville, but first let us go a little back in time. It's late in the evening in Taramasalatania.
Quasimodo, David and Victoria are standing around Betsy's body. The setting sun is painting the sky red.
Victoria starts to yell 'TI TA TI TA TI TA'.
The men turn pale.
'What's wrong, Vic?' stammers David.
'Fashion police for Quasimodo. Man, you are under arrest! Look at your rags! Off with you till you learn how to dress. Shoo shoo!'.
Victoria starts to rip shreds of cloth off the poor man. Quasimodo, thinking Vic is a mad beast, runs away in total panic.
'Lol Vic, why did you do that?'
'David, my eyes started to squint! Why was that man allowed outside anyway? BRRR! And oh David, his hair!'
'Yeah, Vic, it was awful.'
'David, kiss me'
'I'd love to Vic, but I've just combed my hair'
'Oh sod. Hey, we're alone now. Let's have a picknick. You can pluck apples while Victoria-me shuts up and is beautiful.'
'Erm... Vic'
'Yes, David?'
'What are we going to do with ... this girl?. After all,Quasimodo is gone and I don't know what to do now. My job is to fix these things'
'Bummer! Let's get it over with then. I'll help you, David'
The couple turned their eyes towards the young girl's body.
'David, do you know what to do?'
'No, Vic'
'I see. It can't be that hard. I'll handle this.'
Victoria took a deep breath.
'Oy miss, I'm gonna ask you a few questions'
David, come closer. What was the first one?'
David whispered something in Vic's ear.
Vic took another deep breath.
'Miss, are you dead?'
There was no answer. Vic turned to David. 'What do we do now, she's not answering!How rude!'David had trouble with the order of his pages.'I don't know, Vic, it's here somewhere. Ah, here, she has the right to remain silent. And and and, hang on, we could ask her where she was last seen!'
'Aha, David. How smart!'
Vic turned to Betsy again.
'Where she was last seen?'
Still no answer.
Vic placed her arms akimbo.
'You do know, miss, you shall be thrown in jail if you don't copper...
what's the word, David?'
'Co-operate'
'Yeah, that's the one!'
Vic sighed 'David, she's not helping!'
'Vic, maybe she is really...dead. Then we have to investigate the body!But how do we know she's dead... for real?'
Vic's head emitted a clamour that could be heard in Persia.
'David, I know!
Hey, miss, I saw some great boots at the Flea Market.'
Betsy didn't show the least bit of interest.
'Nah, David, she IS dead'
'OK. Next step. erm... must be here somewhere'
'Oh, I know, David! You have to draw a large circle round her and then bury her'
'Well done Vic, it's easier than I thought!Have you got a pencil and a shovel?'
'No David, I left them at home. See, I had just painted my nails.'
'So Vic, what do we do now?'
'Ouch my brain!David, I think I'm having one of these migrations!'

If Jen could have heard herself snore that night, she would have gone hiding under the bed. Fly was having trouble getting to sleep, and was counting. Every snore was a sheep. She got to 500, then she wanted to stretch her legs and opened the door.
'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK'
Fly woke Jen and hid behind her back. Poisson D'Or came in with a candle.
'What is it, girls?'
Fly couldn't get the words out: 'TTTThere WWWas AA MMMan IIn TTThe CCCorridor.'
The dancer put on a reassuring smile: 'Dear Catharina, I'll tell you what happened! You think you saw a ghost and in fact it's just one of the bejeweled burka babes going to the lavatory. It happens all the time. You're not the first visitor who has had this 'nightmare'. Go back to bed, honey. Good night.' She gently closed the door.
Jen, yawning, assured Fly she probably had too much to drink.
Fly said 'Humph!' and sat sulking upright in her bed.
Jen reproduced her snoring.
The orphan swore not to close one eyelid that night. After all, she had seen what she had seen...

TO BE CONTINUED