h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Fly picked up the walkie-talkie that Jen dropped when she swooned:
'Rich, hang on. She has fainted.I'll try to revive her.'
She went back to her collection of things, rummaged a bit and returned with a little bottle of Eau de Cologne and untied her neckerchief. She sprinkled a few drops on the garment and pressed it against Jen's nose. The princess started to protest - what a nasty smell - and was up in no time. 'Fly.. what happened? My head ... ouch. I remember Rich talking... and then I had the strangest dream, he said my father had another child...'
'Jen, that was not a dream'
'Oh my God.'
The girls discussed the whole thing for a few minutes, then Fly convinced Jen to hear the rest of the story. She agreed on the condition that she got another cup of port first.
Jen took hold of the walkie-talkie.
'Rich, you can go on now. Had a bit of a dip there.'
'Jen, glad to hear you're OK. I understand it's quite a shock for you'.
'God Rich, I can't believe it. Out there is my half-brother, or is it half-sister?'
'I don't know, Jen. I can only tell you this: he/she is probably one year your senior. And I wouldn't get too sentimental, Jen. After all, Fly and yourself are thorns in his/her side. 'It' wants your heads. After all, what are two lives for a kingdom full of resources?'
Jen thought it over for a minute.
'But Rich, why wait so long? 'It' has had enough time. Why didn't he kill us sooner?'
'Well, when Taramasalatania was founded, there was one 'clause' in the agreement. If it happens that the heir to the throne dies before turning seventeen, the list of successors is to no avail, because the kingdom will be annexed by England again. So, I think you're quite safe for one more day. When your father returned from Holland, he didn't know Fly's birth date and unfortunately he had the idea of registering her officially on your birthday, as you know. So officially you're the same age. Nice thing when growing up, only now it means you're in equal danger.'
Jen tried to let it all sink in.
'Rich, what about her? Is she still alive this... Lorelei?'
'I don't know, Jen, I just don't know.'
'By the way, didn't know we had diplomatic relations with Borneo.'
Rich chuckled 'Jen, of course he's not in Borneo. I don't know where he is now, but I do know you won't see him for a long, long time.
Enough theory for now. High time you lot went on your expedition'
Jen sighed 'Can't we have a little rest first?'
'No, Jen, the scattering-procedure of the letters has been executed and you two must start collecting them now. I have a list of people here who are in possession of a letter. I want you to leave the cave now because you won't be missed till sunrise and you need to have a lead.
Your first task: go to the border of Taramasalatania and Tzatzikistan. There's a village called Sirtakiville. You have to ask for a lady called Poisson D'Or. That's your woman. I'll guide you through walkie-talkie. Oh, from now on, don't call me Rich,call me MERCURY. Jen, you're VENUS and Fly can be MOON.Got that?'
'We hear you, MERCURY'
'Okay, VENUS. A last piece of advice: respect the local customs. It's alright for Taramasalatania to have walkie-talkies,magazines,fart cushions and modern water bottles. Other countries haven't progressed that far.'
'I'll be an apt pupil, MERCURY'
'Don't doubt that, VENUS. Good luck, girls.
READY STEADY GO! OVER'
'OVER'

Jen gathered her things and passed the torch to Fly.
'Careful, don't run too hard with it'
Fly, with a torch in the left hand and her book in the right looked at the rest of her goodies with a sinking heart.
Jen pushed her a bit.'Come Fly, time to get going. In the end you'll be happy to have left this load behind.'
Fly put on a sad face 'One fart cushion?'
'NO! Start walking!'
The two friends left the cave.
Standing at the entrance they were surprised by the sudden dropping of temperature. They both started walking to keep themselves warm.
Had the damsels looked back, they could have seen that someone went into the cave.

Who is it? Can't see, too dark.
What's it doing? It's fidgeting and just stands there.
What for? Hey, isn't that a walkie-talkie?
'POISON IVY for CHERRY BLOSSOM'
'Yes, POISON IVY?'
'Everything according to plan'
'Keep up the good work. Goodnight. OVER'
'OVER'

TO BE CONTINUED