h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

This is being typed with no visual aids - the monitor is turned off. All my ramblings will start this way, because it will be true for all of them. No editing will be done to further the cause of coherency, I will simply correct typos and leave the editing at that. Coren may make brief appearances.

Coren: You don't know who I am? This is so very, very wrong! I suppose I shall have to tell ye my story from so long ago... It is a sad tale, and long in the telling.

Esty: Go ahead, Coren. I've got time. I'm sure if these people reading this are reading this, they have time as well.

Coren: Very well. I was born in the land known as Middle-Earth. I was the child of two rather unimportant elves. It was at that time that some important event happened -I forget what- and they left me with the Dunedain, to be raised as one of them. Now, I soon excelled at the art of being a Ranger, and my future happiness seemed assured. Then the unthinkable happened. I fell in love with one of the Dunedain. Now, if it had been a woman, this would have been no problem, and would have been taken in stride as one of my oddities. However, I fell in love with a man. A man. I was shocked to discover that I had feelings for this man -his name was Arden- that went beyond those ties of brotherhood that are so strong among his -and my, I suppose- kind. Meaning the Dunedain, for I thought of myself as one of them, despite my obvious physical differences. I had been raised as one of them, and one of them I was. Now, it so happened that Arden felt love for me as well, and we formed quite a nice relationship. The Dunedain didn't mind, such things often happened amnong them. Then the Eldar found out, and they were furious that one of their own -for so they still thought of me- should be so tainted, so impure. It was this blind prejudice that led them to cast me out, to exile me from Middle-Earth forever. They sent me on a ship to Valinor, hoping that holy land could cleanse me. Little did they know I would never reach that land. There was a horrible storm a fortnight out. The ship was destroyed, and all on it were thought dead. In fact, I should have been dead, the ship had been struck with lightning, not two feet from me. By all accounts I was dead. But then I found my way into the thoughts of a daydreamer, named Esty, as she calls herself, or Gwenneth, to use her Elven name. She gave me life, although at first it was rather strange, the life I was given. Eventually I became capable of instructing her to do various things, such as type what I was thinking, or wanted to say. I have since learned to type through her, as it were, communicating my thoughts to her almost effortlessly. I believe that is all anyone needs to know. What say you, Esty?

Esty: Well, that is very concise, and gives me a great deal more information than I had before. I just hope nothing's gone wrong with the computer to erase all this work.

Coren: So do I. So do I.

*screen turned on* Time to start editing.

STOP the edit. It reads just fine the way it is. And now a bit more of Coren is known to this world. Sir, pleased to formally meet you.

Ah, by 'edit' I meant 'typo correction', a surprisingly small amount of which was needed. See, even though I was itching to change at least a dozen things, I didn't touch even one of them.

Good, it might have changed the depth and authenticity, a second-party perspective.

Well, it might have been Coren prompting me, or it might not have been. Mostly awkward phrasing, but that doesn't change you being right, which you are.

, and And now I'm away to other bits, let's let your other friends comment, eh?

Okay. and to you too.

Oh dear, poor Coren

Coren: Meh. I survived.

Vaguely

Coren: Vaguely? Whaddaya mean 'vaguely'? Are you referring to my lack of a body in this world?

Probably

Coren: Oh, okay then. Well, the only part of me that didn't survive was my body, and possibly bits of my memory. So I definitely survived.

Not exactly. If you have no body then I doubt you are no longer defying the third law of thermodynamics. Which means, according to my lecturers, that you are not alive.

Please don't ask what the third law of thermodynamics is however, that particular lecturer didn't seem to thing that this was important.

Coren: What are thermodynamics?

The scientific study of the relationship between heat and other forms of energy, aparently

Coren: So what's the third law?

As I said, the lecturer didn't get that far, but I think it's to do with making your own heat, which we do through respiration.

I'm only guessing, mind

Coren: So, if one defies this law, then does it follow that one is not necessarily alive? Or did I decipher your speech incorrectly?

You are alive by defying the law, apparently