h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Subject: My batmobile
Posted Dec 21, 2002 by Carlyle Ferris Post: 1


My dear old Citroen car has had to go to hospital because its life blood is dripping out on to the garage floor. Messages of condolence on this page but no flowers please as Citroens are allergic to everything except oranges.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Dec 21, 2002 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 2


It has been released by the hospital after an overnight stay. The prognosis is not good. Its body is in great shape but the heart has suffered the effects of unlead poisoning and may sink into a long decline and eventual death. I have chosen a burial plot for it just in case. There is a wonderful view over a motorway service station and lots of deceased cars to keep it company. The family live in hope that new research will provide a cure and a donor engine may eventually become available. It now carries its own doner card but it may be that only the unused ashtray is suitable for transplant. We would like to thank everyone for their condolences and will continue to post progress reports.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Dec 26, 2002 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 3


I took the poor thing to Bristol to see a specialist on Lodge Causeway. It cried piteously all the way along the Motorway. People kept looking at me in the service station as if I was a mass murderer with a million brutalised and dismembered cars to my hideous name. I wanted to tell them that I love My Citroen and would never knowingly harm it but Bristol was possibly its last chance of finding a cure before the God of Scrapyard Challenge came up with some vile game that involved mutilating Citroens. The consultant came up to me and Said, "It's yer cam-belt, in-it? It's yer new belt on an old pulley, in-it? Ere,try some WD40 on it, in-it." So he did and it was a lot quieter. It really is amazing how all those years of training can suddenly come together to solve the seemingly insoluble. I drove it home still crying a little, Me...not the car, you should have seen the bill....
I took it out of the garage this morning to wash it. There was a pool of oil on the garage floor and the belts screamed like succubi tortured by the Devil. I polished the BX16TGS Meteor badge and put it back again. The neighbour looked accusingly over the wall at me. I think he suspects me of torturing cats. Ford Driver....hah! he has no soul.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Dec 29, 2002 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 4


Some crazy individual with a Citroen Xsara tried to engage me in conversation about Citroens. Fool! What Knowest he of Citroens. His car has the badge in the middle of the bonnet! It is a Peugeot badly diguised as a real car. I bet it doesnt squeak, rattle or whine. The exhaust probably has never even touched the brake pipes let alone chafed them right through. I'll bet he has never heard the sound of the suspension pressure regulator as it tries to jack the car up far enough to get a flat tyre out from behind the wheel arch!
God did not intend man to enjoy his motoring, it should be an adventure, a constant struggle against the elements of French design. The adventure of man and his trusty steed pitted agaainst the armies of the clones. Into battle, wing mirrors slicing the Fiestas, Picassos, Clios and Civics into scrap.....
Must have a cold shower before they arrive with the chains and strait jacket.
veritatem dies aperit.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 4, 2003 by Baz
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Post: 5


hehe your cars post by post resumé make hilarious reading! However, the next time someone mocks you because your car has left a pool of oil on the floor, you musn't lie back and take it making excuses, you simply reply with a smug grin on your face "It's not broken, it is merely marking it's own territory...can your car do that? I think decisively not!...you may leave!" That usually get's them pretty much wound up!

Baz

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 4, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 6


Thank you for your kind words, I have done a printout and laid it on the bonnet for the batmobile to absorb overnight.
Today we went 129 miles. It cried a little at the start but then became quiet and somber, even the rattles died away til I felt I was coccooned in an ethereal vehicle cast down by the Gods. Then I realised I was on the Motorway again. We went to see a faith healer. you have to have faith in him because he knows sod all about cars. I know this because he drives a Rover, need I say more!. He prescribed WD40 as well and promptly sprayed an entire can at random under the bonnet without pause for discussion. When I started up to go into town the car screamed the scream of the banshee, no horror could ever compare to the agony that poor maligned voiture was going through. I persevered to the astonishment of everyone that I drove past.
When eventually I got back I took a stick and held it against each of the pulley bearings much like a witch doctor and to my amazement the noise was coming from the tension pulley bearing on the hydraulic pump. At last. I can now get a second hand pulley from the scrapyard on monday. Just as I was closing the bonnet I glanced at the back of the engine....there was oil squirting out of the dip-stick hole...... I quietly closed the bonnet, switched off and walked away.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 12, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 7


The batmobile goes to the doctors again tomorrow morning.
I felt I should go and warn it this afternoon so that it could pack a jack and a few spare tyres. I bought it some t-cut last week but felt that I would be rewarding poor performance if I gave it some this week. I opened the garage door and there was a pool of oil on the floor again . My deja was vu ed. I know it does'nt mean it but it's going to have to understand that there are human values to consider here. THE VALUE OF A LIFE IS NOT INFINITE AND IT IS SORELY TRYING MY WALLET. Anyway I started it up and it responded by squeaking at me. I am not amused by this. There may be repercussions. There are other Citroens out there crying out for good homes, some of them are even diesels.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 12, 2003 by Baz
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Post: 8


Wow! You must be having serious problems! (I deduced this by noting the fact that you are considering a Citroen diesel!) Citroen diesel.....can batmobiles run on diesel? Something that smelly and smoky in a machine designed to help rid the world of all evil? Imagine the repercussions if "The Joker" was employing yet another of his evil genius plans to rid the world of all things remotely related to normality (and yes, that would include oranges), with just seconds to get to the scene and save the world Carlyle Ferris leaps into his trusty diesel batmobile, starts the engine and....oh...hold on Gotham city, we need to wait for the glow plugs to get hot enough...."Why?"...errrm, I bought a diesel...sorry?! Now THAT never happened in the comic books!

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 14, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 9


Hi Baz,
Owning a Citroen is a calling. Only last week my beautiful red headed girlfriend [think Julia Roberts but double the size of everything] told me it was worse than driving in a soggy sponge and that I care more for the car than I do for her.
I looked at her, leaning against my car in leather mini skirt and studded belt,
"Joey comes with the bag!" I said.
There was a pause. She gave me the look that can only be delivered by redheads and chihuahuas, the look that says your ankle is mine!
"I am NOT a bag!" She spun on her heels and walked away.
I took a step after her vanishing figure, my hand groping tentatively towards her, "NO....No...." I said, "I was quoting Friends." But she was gone.
I turned back to my Citroen. I gazed tearfully at the empty space where she had leant against it. There was a scratch! Why can't she wear slacks. Dammit! I rushed into the garage for some T-cut.
When I returned the car had sunk down on its haunches. It was sneering at me. Its lop-sided chevrons curled upwards. The scratch on its bonnet like Ray Liottas scar.
Owning a Citroen is not for fun. It is for life.


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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 15, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 10


Well, it is back from the garage again. I can't quite pinpoint the look the mechanic gave me when I collected it. You may remember the teaser for "Prophecy Girl" It was kinda like the look Buffy gave the vamp just before she staked him.
But, it did'nt squeak on the way home. I became quite inspired and thought I would repair the screenwasher which was leaking slowly. The fitting on the pump broke off in my hand. Now I have seen grown men cry and it is not a pretty sight. It is worse from the inside looking out. I stepped back and with accusing finger I screamed " You are dead, You are a gonner!" I glanced up to see my neighbours eyes in Kilroy pose slowly sink below the top of the wall. He put the wall up last week. I think there is something wrong with him.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 16, 2003 by HonestIago - you can't spell fundamentalist without the word 'mentalist'. Keeper of Buffy's stakes and Willow's spells
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Post: 11


Just a message of sympathy. though not quite in the same league my precious pedal bike had a fight with a Fiesta and unfortunately lost. My elder brother was riding it at the time but got away uninjured so God must intend for me to punish him instead. My baby is awaiting repair but the signs aren't good. Irritating motorists by speeding past them in traffic-calmed areas will never be the same again

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 19, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 12


Hi there Honestlago.
I extend my deepest sympathy to you in your loss. I feel deeply for others who have lost a beloved machine to the rigors of this cruel world. Especially when lost through the act of a close relative. As for being hit by a Fiesta, What can I say. Being hit by a Rolls would be inspirational, being hit by a Skoda would be embarrassing {how would it catch up with you in the first place] being hit by a Citroen, now that would be an honour, but a Fiesta? It's like being savaged by a Labrador. How could you tell this story to your Grand-children? Poetic licence is called for here. The bicycle died when it threw itself across the track of a runaway bus full of nuns and tiny tiny babies {that's another story] to stop it crashing headlong through a primary school and into a nuclear power station thus saving the entire human race. [Or you could say it was flattened by a Citroen for equal honours] It must have been a good bicycle to have saved your brother injury!
Cotidie cum vita paria faciamus.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 21, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 13


I felt it was time we spent some quality time together. On Saturday I bought a tangy little vintage oil from the south side of the well and a nice new filter.
So on Monday I rushed into the garage ....Surprise..Surprise....I've got you an oil change. I thought it would be pleased but it remained silent.
So after a suitable warm up I crawled underneath to remove the filter. It says hand tight! Why are they always tighter than one of Dawns wedgies. The sump plug would'nt come out either. Four hours later, pitch dark, pouring rain, its done, my neck hurts, my hands are cut, everything is covered in oil. But am I happy? Of course not, what kind of prat do you take me for? [Please do not answer that, the word is: rhetorical]
Anyway, I cleaned all the breather hoses,replaced the screen wash pump, and put a scratch strip on the door.
I also put a bulb in the clock. The clock now reads 18:88. Its like a scene from X.files. Where is the time between 18:59 and 18:88? In an episode from Outer Limits? If you glance quickly at it, it reads 6:66! then changes as soon as it Knows you are watching.
After warming the car up I looked under the bonnet. There was oil spraying out of the dipstick hole! I closed the bonnet and quietly walked away.




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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 22, 2003 by HonestIago - you can't spell fundamentalist without the word 'mentalist'. Keeper of Buffy's stakes and Willow's spells
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Post: 14


Just heard the news, my baby's gonna be okay. I've been told that it'll be weak for a while so I've got to go easy with it. This glorious redemption of a loved one has cost me a pretty penny (£75) but what price can you put on a faithful servant? She has been fitted with artificial replacements for her joints and skeleton but still looks and feels the same (this is sounding quite freaky now. Ah well) A chance for retribution has also appeared so the purpetrators of the heinous crime will be punished

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 25, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 15


Hi Nestla,
I hope you don't mind me calling you that but Hogo did'nt sound right.
I was so pleased to hear about the recovery of your beloved bicycle, it is a message of hope to all deteriorating bicycles out there who's tyres are flat and chains go un oiled, who's owners leave them lying against damp walls uncared for , unloved, no one to cherish them.
Forgive me for I am emotional at the moment , my poor Citroen has had further bad news but I am so overwrought that I am unable to write about it at the moment.


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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jan 30, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 16


Having recovered my composure I can face writing about the latest episode with my faithfull Batmobile.
I took it on a pilgrimage to a Citroen healer of quite legendary standing in the Celtic world.
His first words to me......."Is it a diesel?" I could not believe my ears!.
"Of course not," I said.
"Well it looks loike yer 'ead gasgit 'as gone and yer pressure valve is knackered. Oi'd get rid of it if oi were you".
I tried to drive off in a huff but the engine would'nt start. The voice followed me, "If it wuz a diesel it wud be worth fixin, but that'n is a heap uv junk."
I finally got it started and rattled off down the road. I overtook a white van man at 80 miles an hour just to make a statement then headed for home.
By the time I got there the steam had almost completely dissipated. The car had stopped steaming too.


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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Feb 2, 2003 by Baz
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Post: 17


how will Gotham City survive now I don't suppose they thought that skimming the head would work did they? It doesn't often work, but when it does it can save the car if the head gasket has gone? just a thought...if not...let me know and I will wear black for the next few days!

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Feb 2, 2003 by Baz
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Post: 18


how will Gotham City survive now I don't suppose they thought that skimming the head would work did they? It doesn't often work, but when it does it can save the car if the head gasket has gone? just a thought...if not...let me know and I will wear black for the next few days!

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Feb 5, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 19


Today I snapped.
I went into the garage and said,
"Right, that's it! You and I are going to the auctions. Now!"
Before it had time to react I was in and away.
We got about three hundred yards before the engine died, half way up a hill. I rolled it back, swung it in a gateway and bump started it down the hill.
I pulled back into my drive, leapt out and slammed the door, snarling "You won't get away with this, I'll go anyway, you'll see!"
I got a lift and went the sixty miles to the auction. I bought a police car!
I have to apologise at this point before I utter the forthcoming obscenities. It is an 1800cc turbo diesel Escort.
I drove it home.
It was strange, in this totally characterless car, I came up behind a young person on a moped and instead of zipping past as I asked it to do it slowed down to 30 miles an hour and followed it from 20 feet behind and slightly on his outside shoulder. Only when the poor soul wobbled off into a side street did it pick up and tear off. We came to a group of people outside a pub and it slowed to 5 miles an hour then shot away again. When we got home the batmobile was squatting on its haunches, sneering at me, I thought, but when I looked closely there was water inside the headlight. Maybe it was'nt rain.
My heart is hardened now. I will police Gotham City in a Police car. What do you say to that Citroen?

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Mar 1, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 20


The time has come, it is the last day of the month, now is the time to cash in the tax disc and take it to the scrapyard.

You may know that feeling. You have to take your beloved old dog to the vet to put it out of your misery.
Then it raises it's heavy head and looks at you through hooded eyelids; the head tilts and rests against your foot. You know it is leaving little pools of pee behind it, it coughs up every meal. It smells like a Columbian Drug dealers jock strap. Surely it is better to do it now and not to let it go on.
Such it is with the batmobile. It splutters and coughs, leaves pools of unsavoury liquid everywhere it stops; it has no value; it squeaks and the exhaust pipe rattles and puffs acrid fumes from all the wrong places yet here we are, March 1st and it sits there, tax disc still in place.
I think it was my guilty conscience. I have been in France for the last week with the Police car. The poor Citroen was not well enough to go and visit its friends this year. To salve my guilt I took it for a drive by the seaside this morning. Gave it some nice fresh petrol to drink, let it stop and look out at the rough seas. How did it repay me? It would'nt start when I wanted to go home! Such is the character of the French. I love them dearly but they can't half be bloody annoying sometimes.
[I've put it up for sale , but it vital that it does not find out this time. If anyone comes to see it I'll pretend I am just taking them for a friendly drive.]
Citroen did chew up a friends Greatest Country Hits tape the other day so it proves that it still has good taste.

Subject: My batmobile
Posted Mar 10, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 21


I spotted a restored Citroen DS21 in the paper for £4500. A genuine Giles car with all the rounded and soggy bits and noisy engine. I wonder if they would take a trade in?
I'm getting tired of Plod the Escort, it is so reliable! I miss the embarassing churning of starter motors in the centre of town for no actual reward.
Mind you, please don't mention this to Plod or it might find a way to get me arrested. Never take your inanimate objects for granted, the world is not such a simple place as at first ye might think.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Apr 13, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 22


Getting near the middle of the month and no one has come to buy my Batmobile. The chosen spot in the scrapyard beckons it. I have been much to busy to take it for a drive this month although I did sit in it and start the engine. The hydraulic suspension came up one wheel at a time like one of those weird American Daytona beach cars.
I am going to make the decision at the end of this month. Sentiment must be cast aside in favour of good economic sense. Plod the police car continues to give reliable, economical, comfortable, and so incredibly, mind numbingly boring service that I cannot justify having a real car as well.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Apr 28, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 23


Woe, woe and thrice woe! This is ,of course, the cry of the Citroen owner when the hydraulic pipes burst and the brakes don't work. Not a problem in France because they still have ditches beside the road to roll into. In this country because we drive with only the thickness of a cigarette paper between us it is inevitably a problem.
But enough of this wittering. The poor dear Citroen finally had to go, to be replaced by a gloating, and incredibly smug, Plod the police car.

I believe it has gone to a good home and will be cherished for a few more months, if not years. At least I did not have to take it to be put down.

My beautiful red headed girl friend is glad to see the back of it. [It has to be said that many a man has been glad to see the back of her, and you may interpret that in one of two ways.]

She prefers plod, it has a growly, gutsy feel to it wheras The Citroen charmed its way along the road like the wheeled version of Maurice Chevalier.
How can one dislike a car that declines to start with such grace and determination. As DeGaul said Non! so does the Citroen.

Plod, on the other hand, chokes and splutters when asked to start; a politician faced with an impertinent question....I will start but I'm going to hold out against it for as long as possible.

Le Citroen?....Non!....fetch the recovery vehicle.

My beautiful red head used to feel sick in the Citroen. No such luck in Plod. It squats on the road like a hedgehog in front of a three wheeler. No yaw, no pitch, goes over bumps like an American tank over Saddam statues.

How can one comfort she of the glittering eyes and fiery temper without the ability to soften her up with a short car ride. My final weapon in the heterosexual war of the worlds is gone . The playing field is not level but inclined steeply in her favour! I may buy a Vespa. I believe they have a softening effect on our finely freckled females.

There is no hope for any man in the presence of a finely tuned fighting machine clothed in combat red.






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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jun 3, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 24


I saw my batmobile coming towards me and plod the other day. Believe it or not, it winked at me. The new owner should change the near side light bulb as the dip element has gone out. I hope this means that it is happy in its new home.
Plod and I and the beautiful redhead went on holiday a couple of weeks ago. We were mountaineering. Plod had to go over two thousand miles to achieve this journey and it never missed a beat. Why is such reliability so unendearing, how can one love something that has no faults. Are the faults that we see in other people the reason that we love them,when we thought we loved them in spite of those faults. If this is so, can a perfect person ever be lovable? Can it be that the more faults a person has the more loved they will be?
If God is a perfect being can it be possible to love him? My beautiful redhead is the most lovable person in the world if this conjecture is true. She has more faults than a Friday afternoon Skoda. Her ability to sulk is awe inspiring but truly beautiful. To be glared at by fiery eyes and pouting lips from an insanely cute freckled face is both terrifying and tantilising. But,woe betide anyone who does not take her seriously!

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Subject: Alas, love has flown.
Posted Jul 30, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 25


Alas! My beautiful redheaded girlfriend is no more.
It is, of course, my fault, for it is inconceivable that anything could be her fault.
Maybe it was going on holiday together that sounded the Inchcape bell in her brain. Ship approaching the rocks..stand off and retrim the sails.
I will miss the flying saucepan of baked beans, luckily, by as much as it missed me! Then five minutes later the insanely cute face peering around the doorway, dazzling blue eyes under lowered lashes. A girl who contrives to look up to you from above.
She was a bit of a control freak. I know this because I was the freak she was controlling.
I think it was the moment when we were hanging off an overhang in Mont sino chimney and I said I was too old for anymore children that did it. Her hammer definitely missed a hit on the pitton. On reflection I am grateful that we were both on the same rope.
She was the only person I ever met who could effectively slam a tent flap.
She liked people to have opinions as long as they were hers. As Sigmund Freud once said, "What does a woman want?"
I shall miss the passion, but more will I miss the opportunity to gaze at her as she slept and marvel at how nature could have taken so many disparate elements and combined them to make the peaceful beauty that lit up my life.

"Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies."

[Eloisa to Abelard]

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Subject: Alas, love has flown.
Posted Aug 19, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 26


The weeks drift by and no word from my beautiful redhead ex. I found a long red hair on my car seat.....she always brushed it when she got into the car. Why could'nt she do it somewhere else?. Car hoovers and Redheads are mutually incompatable. For one thing they both make so much noise that no one else gets a word in edgeways.
I have treated myself to the Buffy S5 and S6 DVD's. My spending power has gone back to single white male so I suppose I ought to have invested in tickets to football games and large quantities of Lager. Not drinking and not liking football rather blew that area of escape so Buffy has leapt to prominence. I can gaze longingly, if not a little creepily, at my surrogate redhead AH.
Perhaps I will find a muse without the built in minefield, lie-detector machine, short fuse, full combat training, incomprehensible logic, detailed memory of all previous faux-pas back to Victorian times, not to mention, terminal untidiness, but I would love to keep the beautiful hair to frame blue eyes and a smile that turns bones to jelly. If it is truly our faults that makes God love us then she sits at his right hand as we speak. I do wish they would stop using me to wipe their shoes when they come in.

Hello Carlyle, your Blog is appearing in my My Conversations. Is that because I put you as one of my friends?

I think it must be. I have been moving stuff over from Talk Buffy and did not realise that it was going all over the internet. It seems to work if I make them all guide entries then they do not spread around so far. I am going to abandon my TB page eventually.

Subject: My batmobile
Posted Mar 1, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 20


The time has come, it is the last day of the month, now is the time to cash in the tax disc and take it to the scrapyard.

You may know that feeling. You have to take your beloved old dog to the vet to put it out of your misery.
Then it raises it's heavy head and looks at you through hooded eyelids; the head tilts and rests against your foot. You know it is leaving little pools of pee behind it, it coughs up every meal. It smells like a Columbian Drug dealers jock strap. Surely it is better to do it now and not to let it go on.
Such it is with the batmobile. It splutters and coughs, leaves pools of unsavoury liquid everywhere it stops; it has no value; it squeaks and the exhaust pipe rattles and puffs acrid fumes from all the wrong places yet here we are, March 1st and it sits there, tax disc still in place.
I think it was my guilty conscience. I have been in France for the last week with the Police car. The poor Citroen was not well enough to go and visit its friends this year. To salve my guilt I took it for a drive by the seaside this morning. Gave it some nice fresh petrol to drink, let it stop and look out at the rough seas. How did it repay me? It would'nt start when I wanted to go home! Such is the character of the French. I love them dearly but they can't half be bloody annoying sometimes.
[I've put it up for sale , but it vital that it does not find out this time. If anyone comes to see it I'll pretend I am just taking them for a friendly drive.]
Citroen did chew up a friends Greatest Country Hits tape the other day so it proves that it still has good taste.





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Subject: The Batmobile Part Two
Posted Feb 25, 2005 by DrFerris
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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Mar 10, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 21


I spotted a restored Citroen DS21 in the paper for £4500. A genuine Giles car with all the rounded and soggy bits and noisy engine. I wonder if they would take a trade in?
I'm getting tired of Plod the Escort, it is so reliable! I miss the embarassing churning of starter motors in the centre of town for no actual reward.
Mind you, please don't mention this to Plod or it might find a way to get me arrested. Never take your inanimate objects for granted, the world is not such a simple place as at first ye might think.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Apr 13, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 22


Getting near the middle of the month and no one has come to buy my Batmobile. The chosen spot in the scrapyard beckons it. I have been much to busy to take it for a drive this month although I did sit in it and start the engine. The hydraulic suspension came up one wheel at a time like one of those weird American Daytona beach cars.
I am going to make the decision at the end of this month. Sentiment must be cast aside in favour of good economic sense. Plod the police car continues to give reliable, economical, comfortable, and so incredibly, mind numbingly boring service that I cannot justify having a real car as well.

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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Apr 28, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 23


Woe, woe and thrice woe! This is ,of course, the cry of the Citroen owner when the hydraulic pipes burst and the brakes don't work. Not a problem in France because they still have ditches beside the road to roll into. In this country because we drive with only the thickness of a cigarette paper between us it is inevitably a problem.
But enough of this wittering. The poor dear Citroen finally had to go, to be replaced by a gloating, and incredibly smug, Plod the police car.

I believe it has gone to a good home and will be cherished for a few more months, if not years. At least I did not have to take it to be put down.

My beautiful red headed girl friend is glad to see the back of it. [It has to be said that many a man has been glad to see the back of her, and you may interpret that in one of two ways.]

She prefers plod, it has a growly, gutsy feel to it wheras The Citroen charmed its way along the road like the wheeled version of Maurice Chevalier.
How can one dislike a car that declines to start with such grace and determination. As DeGaul said Non! so does the Citroen.

Plod, on the other hand, chokes and splutters when asked to start; a politician faced with an impertinent question....I will start but I'm going to hold out against it for as long as possible.

Le Citroen?....Non!....fetch the recovery vehicle.

My beautiful red head used to feel sick in the Citroen. No such luck in Plod. It squats on the road like a hedgehog in front of a three wheeler. No yaw, no pitch, goes over bumps like an American tank over Saddam statues.

How can one comfort she of the glittering eyes and fiery temper without the ability to soften her up with a short car ride. My final weapon in the heterosexual war of the worlds is gone . The playing field is not level but inclined steeply in her favour! I may buy a Vespa. I believe they have a softening effect on our finely freckled females.

There is no hope for any man in the presence of a finely tuned fighting machine clothed in combat red.






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Subject: My batmobile
Posted Jun 3, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 24


I saw my batmobile coming towards me and plod the other day. Believe it or not, it winked at me. The new owner should change the near side light bulb as the dip element has gone out. I hope this means that it is happy in its new home.
Plod and I and the beautiful redhead went on holiday a couple of weeks ago. We were mountaineering. Plod had to go over two thousand miles to achieve this journey and it never missed a beat. Why is such reliability so unendearing, how can one love something that has no faults. Are the faults that we see in other people the reason that we love them,when we thought we loved them in spite of those faults. If this is so, can a perfect person ever be lovable? Can it be that the more faults a person has the more loved they will be?
If God is a perfect being can it be possible to love him? My beautiful redhead is the most lovable person in the world if this conjecture is true. She has more faults than a Friday afternoon Skoda. Her ability to sulk is awe inspiring but truly beautiful. To be glared at by fiery eyes and pouting lips from an insanely cute freckled face is both terrifying and tantilising. But,woe betide anyone who does not take her seriously!

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Subject: Alas, love has flown.
Posted Jul 30, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 25


Alas! My beautiful redheaded girlfriend is no more.
It is, of course, my fault, for it is inconceivable that anything could be her fault.
Maybe it was going on holiday together that sounded the Inchcape bell in her brain. Ship approaching the rocks..stand off and retrim the sails.
I will miss the flying saucepan of baked beans, luckily, by as much as it missed me! Then five minutes later the insanely cute face peering around the doorway, dazzling blue eyes under lowered lashes. A girl who contrives to look up to you from above.
She was a bit of a control freak. I know this because I was the freak she was controlling.
I think it was the moment when we were hanging off an overhang in Mont sino chimney and I said I was too old for anymore children that did it. Her hammer definitely missed a hit on the pitton. On reflection I am grateful that we were both on the same rope.
She was the only person I ever met who could effectively slam a tent flap.
She liked people to have opinions as long as they were hers. As Sigmund Freud once said, "What does a woman want?"
I shall miss the passion, but more will I miss the opportunity to gaze at her as she slept and marvel at how nature could have taken so many disparate elements and combined them to make the peaceful beauty that lit up my life.

"Love, free as air, at sight of human ties,
Spreads his light wings, and in a moment flies."

[Eloisa to Abelard]

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Subject: Alas, love has flown.
Posted Aug 19, 2003 by Carlyle Ferris
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Post: 26


The weeks drift by and no word from my beautiful redhead ex. I found a long red hair on my car seat.....she always brushed it when she got into the car. Why could'nt she do it somewhere else?. Car hoovers and Redheads are mutually incompatable. For one thing they both make so much noise that no one else gets a word in edgeways.
I have treated myself to the Buffy S5 and S6 DVD's. My spending power has gone back to single white male so I suppose I ought to have invested in tickets to football games and large quantities of Lager. Not drinking and not liking football rather blew that area of escape so Buffy has leapt to prominence. I can gaze longingly, if not a little creepily, at my surrogate redhead AH.
Perhaps I will find a muse without the built in minefield, lie-detector machine, short fuse, full combat training, incomprehensible logic, detailed memory of all previous faux-pas back to Victorian times, not to mention, terminal untidiness, but I would love to keep the beautiful hair to frame blue eyes and a smile that turns bones to jelly. If it is truly our faults that makes God love us then she sits at his right hand as we speak. I do wish they would stop using me to wipe their shoes when they come in.






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Subject: The Batmobile Part Two
Posted Mar 1, 2005 by JonnyMaelstrom
This is a reply to this Posting Posting 3


Hello Carlyle, your Blog is appearing in my My Conversations. Is that because I put you as one of my friends?



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Subject: The Batmobile Part Two
Posted Mar 2, 2005 by DrFerris
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I think it must be. I have been moving stuff over from Talk Buffy and did not realise that it was going all over the internet. It seems to work if I make them all guide entries then they do not spread around so far. I am going to abandon my TB page eventually.