h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Dave

Instead of cluttering up the challenge thread with questions and answers about Jarvis, would you mind using this thread to ask them?

Jarvis is not the main character, that I believe is Tree's Teal. But you and I do have to spend a good bit of time figuring out what Jarvis did to Indigo's dad.

All the best, and this challenge is really something, isn't it?

Derek

Hi Derek,

I have posted a background to Indigo. Unfortunately, it is on the monologue thread. I shall re-post it on this one.

it's all taking shape isn't it?

Best wishes

Dave

Indigo McAllister

Born in 1976, the daughter of Harry Carling, a small time petty crook specialising in car theft. When Indigo was four years old, Harry stole a Bentley. He took it back to his lock- up for a re-spray and a change of number plates, when in the boot he noticed a sports bag filled with money. Unbeknownst to Harry, the bag contained the proceeds from a South London drugs run orchestrated by Billy Jarvis, a gangland boss from the other side of the river. The car had been left unattended for a mere couple of minutes by Jarvis’ henchmen, but that was all the time Harry needed.

Harry, like all of his ilk, realised this was dirty money, but there was a hundred and twenty five grand, a sufficient amount for him, his wife Sylvie and daughter Indigo to start a new life. However, he was wise enough to know that any change in his circumstances would arouse suspicion, so he stashed the loot in a place only he knew until it all cooled down

Billy Jarvis was no fool. He hadn’t risen through the mire of London’s underworld for nothing and he had contacts all over the capital. He knew that if he leaned hard enough, someone would eventually crack. And it didn’t take long for the name of a South London car thief to reach his ears.

The night they came for Harry Carling, little Indigo was sleeping in her room. She was awakened by noises from downstairs and walked out onto the landing. Two men were thumping and kicking her father whilst another restrained her mother. Jarvis stood watching and shouting out questions. Her mother was screaming. Eventually, Jarvis lost patience, pulled out a gun and shot Harry. With a sardonic grin, he turned to Sylvie and shot her too. He looked towards the landing just as Indigo took a step back into the shadow. He didn’t see her. But she saw him and would never forget his face. He turned to a henchman and in one sentence consigned Indigo to death.
“Torch the place”

But she didn’t die. By some miracle two men spotted the blaze and broke into the house and at great risk to their own safety rescued little Indigo. She was interviewed by police, but to no avail. She was shunted around by Social Services in the hope that she might divulge something. But she said nothing. Finally, she was placed with a family named McAllister in North London who brought her up as their own daughter. She was educated well, gaining a degree in Business Studies at Kent University.

In the course of time, at the age of twenty-five she got a job as assistant manager in “The Blue Lagoon” night club. Her high level of efficiency and scrupulous honesty caught the eye of the club owner, Billy Jarvis. He offered her the position of his private assistant, taking care of the running of his large network of night clubs. She soon became indispensable and he came to rely on her more and more. She was loyal and hardworking, doing anything for him. He trusted her more than anyone else, even his own daughter and his affection for her was like that of a father. This caused a fierce jealousy from Bianca, Jarvis’ daughter. Indigo now was the power behind the throne.

Hi Dave

I liked the fact that Indigo's father was a small man caught out of his depth. Our sympathies are then placed on Indigo.

I'll put Jarvis' profile up tomorrow. Then we can start blending them.

Thoroughly good read.

Derek

Not about Jarvis but about your work. Whilst I was here I thought I would take a look.

I cant really comment on the prose, but I did look at the scriptease challenge-Haunted mansion.

Good fun. You most certainly have a good ear for dialogue. It was witty and fresh. I loved the reply about her gucci shoes: "I know. I've got the bill." Full marks to the guy!

I'm not sure we needed your penultimate scene, the car crash scene.

Derek

Hi Derek,

Thanks for reading and commenting on some of my work. Yes, I am inclined to agree with you on the car crash scene. It was rather over egging the pudding somewhat.

Looking forward to seeing Jarvis' profile.

I took your advice and abandoned the idea of Indigo's father being swindled by Jarvis and thought the small time car thief was a better option. I wasn't sure about the killing of both parents by Jarvis personally, but I have to arrange it that Indigo witnesses Jarvis being responsible for the deaths. Without him being personally involved, I'm not sure how I can achieve this. Any thoughts?

speak to you soon.

Dave.

Hi Dave

No probs, reading your work, Dave. If you've got anything else, post it up and I'll scan what little I know over it.

The Jarvis profile. Trouble is, Dave, I've never had to write one before so I don't know what I should included/leave out. Can you give me any tips?

Your instincts are quite right about Jarvis killing both parents. I'm not sure you need have Indigo witnessing the murder of her father. I think the mother is the key. Leaving to one side the car thief idea, we simply have Jarvis killing Indigo's father. After the death of the father, the mother could go around accusing Jarvis. Indigo is brought up believing Jarvis was responsible. This of course can let you play on what is truth what is fabrication(which fits in with the noir style).

Having said that, and being selfish for a minute, I do want Indigo's father to be killed by Jarvis. Jarvis' first wife died in a car crash. As Jarvis crumbles from inside he keeps returning to the scene of the accident. But. The accident happened beside a field. In that field is buried Indigo's father. It's one idea.

Talk to you again.

Derek

Hi Derek
Regarding Jarvis' profile, just put everything in to start with, you can always cut bits out. As a couple or more characters revolve around him and his past,the more we all know about him, the better.
I'm still wrestling with the problem of Indigo's parents. I don't think rumours about killing people would necessarily bother someone like Jarvis. Not if it couldn't be proved, anyway. In fact, something like that would enhance his reputation in the underworld.
I still want Jarvis to be responsible for both deaths as the motive is much, much stronger, at the same time, Indigo needs to be a witness to at least one of the deaths in order to be able to recognise Jarvis.
Still thinking.
Speak to you soon.

Dave.

Hi Derek,

Would you cast a critical eye over a short piece of mine. It is on My Portfolio and entitled "A Fragment From France" Please be brutally frank, I can take it.

Many thanks.

Dave

Hi Dave

I had a quick look at AFoF. I'll have a closer look tomorrow.

If you're interested, on my messages on my port, you'll see a conversation called Good morning. In it there is a profile of Jarvis. Kitty offered to crit it before I posted it on the character profile thread. Do you mind having a quick look and letting me know your thoughts?

Derek

Hi Dave
I've had a look at A FoF. You say to be brutally honest; I take it you don't want an overly enthusiastic but glib crit. Okay, but bear in mind I am still learning to be a writer so take anything I say with a pinch of salt.

Some of the dialogue is decidedly modern:

soft, sensitive tossers
Well, that's just tough shit, Berryman.
You're beginning to piss me right off, Dunsmore.
Maybe, at a push, the last one can slip through, but not the first two. They would throw me out off your piece because they are untrue in terms of the setting.

You are doing everything, you are leaving me nothing to do. You are not allowing me to become involved with your characters or your story. This means I just have to sit there and let the piece wash over me and I would probably let any important message wash over me, as well. I am as guilty as you, Dave, and most unproduced scriptwriters, for doing all the thinking for the audience. We have to learn to trust our audience.
You have placed us in a very, VERY emotional situation. British soldiers are about to shoot another British soldier for dereliction of duty. Big emotions! I don't think you got the tone right. The sergeant comes in and begins to give the squaddies instructions in a slightly sarcastic manner. Maybe he thought he was relieving the tension, I don't know. I would have thought that a more helpful and understanding tone from the sergeant was fitting. I was thinking of the sergeant major in Zulu, that kind of thing. He must know that his boys are upset and emotional about executing a fellow Brit soldier. It is such a wretched thing to do.
You mention at the start that they are smoking, chatting, etc. I wouldn't have thought that. I am willing to bet that the scene would have been heavy silence. They would all have been thinking about the odious task they were about to perform. Yes to smoking, yes to occasional words. But not a chatting scene.

I'm unsure about the message of your piece. This is what I got. A young British soldier is about to be executed for refusing an order. The execution squad argue about whether it is right to execute him. For all their moral arguments they do as they are ordered and kill the guy who had disobeyed an order. So, your theme seems to be that a soldier must do as he is told. Therefore, it is okay to shoot people who refuse an order. I don't think that is what you were trying to achieve.

I hope this has helped, Dave. If you've any questions, ask away.

Since you have allowed me to be brutal with your work, I offer up my work to your scrutiny. I'd be honoured if you look at my work with an equally brutal eye.

Derek

Hi Dave



I suppose the thing to do is to figure out when Indigo decided to kill Jarvis. I don't suppose it would have been when she was four years old. That kind of thinking isn't in a 4 year olds vocabulary.

I really do like the idea that Jarvis is becoming isolated with Indigo. It's the creeping, steady path of justice, retribution. Lovely.

Is Indigo attractive?



Derek

Hi Derek

Many thanks for taking the time out to crit AFFF, so clearly and concisely. I think you are perfectly right in your view of how the piece left little to the imagination. I also agree with you about the tone now I have re-read it again. As for the message, I suppose I just wanted to convey a certain irony about an execution of a man by other men who were likely or could be likely to do the same thing. I don't think I managed to get that across very well, if at all. I shall definitely revise the piece and take on board your very helpful comments. Many thanks again, I do feel it's worthwhile to get an objective view, however brutal.

Still thinking about the Indigo problem. I think she will have to decide to kill Jarvis when she is in his employment and not before. Possibly she finds a link to her father's/parents death whilst working for him.

Many thanks again
Speak to you soon.

Dave

Hi Dave

No probs, with the crit, Dave. Although I feel absolutely lousy. It really is not my style to crit work like that. Like I said, I feel lousy.

Talk to you soon.

Derek

PS I meant what I said about you critting my work. Give it a go, Dave. It helps in your own writing.

Hi Derek

Please don't feel bad. That is one of the reasons I wanted to be in a script writing group (plus the cerebral exercise of the challenges, of course). Everybody needs constructive and honest feedback when they ask for it. It's all part of the process.

Speak to you soon

Dave

p.s. Will look at your work later. Off to work now. (Groan)

Hi Dave

The scripteasers, me included, seem to be moving towards actually writing a script. What are your thoughts?

Derek

Hi Derek

Yes I'm interested in the idea of us all collaborating on a script.

Have you any thoughts on who Indigo's mother might be?

Dave.

Hi Dave

I take it you are away to work
It's good to hear you are for writing a script.

Indigo's mother. I've been thinking about her since Tree suggested Jarvis being Indigo's father. To be honest, the person who keeps coming to mind when I do is Indigo's dad. Jarvis killed him knowing that he(the small crim) was bringing up his child. How much of an influence on Jarvis' motivation was that? Just a bit? A lot? He was going to kill the guy, but how much was it a case of Jarvis protecting his daughter from the small crim? Or did he not think of that? Was it just a cold-blooded killing for some misdemeanour?

I suppose the obvious thing is to think of Indigo's mother as maybe a stripper from his empire. Something like that. But I think that's a bit too obvious. I think we have an opportunity to do something less cliche.


How old is Indigo?

If you go to Kittyred's portfolio, under her latest works you will see a work called A Quick Note. On there is kitty's e-mail. Send an e-mail to her to show you have got the address. It's in case we decide to take Raven of GW when it comes to writing.


Derek

Hi Derek

At the moment I see Indigo as about twenty-seven or twenty-eight, but that is flexible.

Perhaps the solution might be to abandon the small time car thief idea and have Indigo's father as a business associate of Jarvis' with whose wife he has an affair. The woman might refuse to leave her husband, so Jarvis kills him out of jealousy either before or after her giving birth to Indigo. The woman flees from Jarvis taking the child with her. He could seek her out and in a fit of rage kill her.

this is simply an alternative, although I have to say, I am not entirely happy with it.

Any thoughts?

Dave.

Dave are you still online