h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm going to try to do justice to a great day, but I'm not sure if words can capture exactly how I felt. For a start, there's a problem of vocabulary. When two women marry, is it right to refer to them being brides? Maybe the language will evolve over time as same-sex weddings become less unusual. The law, of course, is an ass: I'm using the terms 'wedding' and 'marriage' even though this ceremony had no legality under the laws of either the State of New South Wales or the Commonwealth of Australia. This is a situation I hope to see resolved one day.

(I should probably also say at the outset that anyone who thinks that marriage is the exclusive preserve of heterosexuals, or that it ordained by some non-existent god thing - well, anyone who wants to rant on along those lines can do so outside my journal, or can just go themselves with a fish-fork, for that matter.)

With that off my chest...

I w*rked with M for several years, back in the last century. She has since become one of my closest friends. For many years she was trying to resolve her sexuality, one way or another. But then she met K, who in some way makes M feel complete. It seems the reverse is true, too. So they took a step most people take for granted and became engaged; this wasn't a political statement (even if it is a political act in some senses) but just a logical progression towards marriage. While they live in Adelaide they chose to marry in Sydney, near where K's parents live. M's father grew up in that area too, as it happens. In the event, it turned out that some of M's relatives were friends with some of K's relatives and had been for decades. So for the convenience of lots of people, Sydney was the place to marry.

The venue was unlike anything available in Adelaide, too. http://www.jonahs.com.au/index.html Great food, great staff and an air of everything being perfectly normal, which is what M and K wanted. The view takes in everything from Bilgola in the south to the Barrenjoey lighthouse and the Pittwater entrance in the north. Surfers on the beach, sailing boats a bit further out, a genuine schooner beyond them. Not a cloud in the sky, the gentlest of breezes, perfect weather for a wedding.

There were about 40 people present, which is a nice size for a wedding I think. This kept it down to the people who matter to both parties and it made me even happier to have been invited. Everyone who was there wanted to be there - I think that's another reason why I enjoyed this wedding so much. As my ex-partner and best friend, D, was invited in his own right, my day was almost complete before we even got to the venue. (Considering it took two hours to get there by public transport, that's saying something.)

K wore a very feminine Prussian blue velvet suit with an oyster silk chemise. Think of the sort of thing Katharine Hepburn liked to wear in the 30s and you won't go far wrong. M wore a slinky full-length powder-blue dress (think Jean Harlow or similar) with an off-white bolero jacket. Neither of them was given away. The celebrant was a rather nice Persian woman, who kept things running smoothly and kept the obligatory legal statement that this was not a legally-recognised ceremony to a bare minimum. (She also contrived a certificate which looks like the official version, but with 'Commonwealth of Australia' replaced with 'Nation of Australia' instead. One day we won't have to resort to these measures.)

The vows were rather touching. They'd both written their own and kept them secret until the day; this made it more remarkable that they both said similar things, sometimes even in the same words. Two women, one mind.

Then a couple of poems - K's sister read some Khalil Gibran, and then I read Shakespeare's sonnet 116, which I thought rather a good choice on M's part.

And then the conclusion of the formalities, with massed congratulations and champagne on the lawn on the clifftop.

Both sets of parents looked like they were having the best of days. Grins from ear to ear and genuine approval and delight. K's parents have had 20 years to get used to the idea that their daughter wouldn't end up with a man; M's parents have only had about 18 months to assimilate this sort of information. This is where I have to give them all credit for not just adjusting their world-view but for being so genuinely happy to welcome K as their daughter's partner for life. This can't have been an easy transition for people in their late 70s.

And then, lunch in a room open to the air on one side, with the sound of the sea and a breeze rustling the tapestries, and then an afternoon of drinks and chatter on the terrace, looking out at that view. The schooner came back, making M wonder if it was a sign of approval from her great-great-grandfather the Cornish sea-captain. But we were not at all sober by that stage.

At lunch D and I were seated at M and K's table, opposite M's sister and her fiance, who are to marry next month in Queensland. M and K are extending their honeymoon to include that occasion.

It felt good, D and I being treated as a couple, even though we're not. (I wish we were, but that's another story.) For the first time, we were treated as a couple without anyone even thinking twice. I do hope this is the way society is going as a whole. Progress is slow, but we're getting there.

In the meantime: here's to M and K.

all the best to the happy couple and with your heart's desire too

GB

Thanks. Who knows what the future holds? I live in hope.

To the Happy Couple


You have described everything so beautifully, Ivan

It helps that my grandmother was a seamstress, so I can at least recognise a bolero jacket when I see one.

There will be photos on Fotki one of these days, but it takes so long to load them with dial-up...

You really *are* going to have to look into getting broadband, darling... dial-up is SOOooooo dated

I prefer to think of it as 'retro'. But seriously, I'll get broadband when I move house next.

It will be a breeze!

In the meantime I've realised that this is my first day without alcohol in a week. Gosh. Maybe I should be virtuous for a few days.

Maybe, until Friday night

Oh, at least that long.

Plenty of time to amass the ice-cubes

I like the heading. Very poetic.

This all sounds as a very nice and happy celebration, and a likewise gathering of people who like and are important to each other.

And what a beautiful spot, and a vivid description on your part.

In Denmark joining in a registered partnership is as legal as a wedding, and as far as I know, couples of the same gender can also adopt children and get treated for childlessness like couples of different genders. (Well, at least I have seen discussions about it in the papers recently).

One of my best friends (female - same age as me) - has lived with her cousin (female - 10-15 years younger) for almost 20 years now. My friend L. has an adult son, around 30, from a previous relationship with a man. She and her gf/partner U. have twins, both boys, now 10 years. The result of U's not-quite-legal at that time, I think, self-insemination. The donor was a male friend, also homosexual.

It took their own family a bit to get used to them living together, as they are blood related, but otherwise I think they live a family life without too much trouble.

The last time I visited and had supper with them, not an inkling of problems came up in the conversations, but the twins must have had some remarks at school, one should think.

My friend is a teacher and have taught at the same school (with pupils from 6-17 years) for 30 years and is highly appreciated.

So, Ivan, it *is* possible to beat bias, given time and tolerance.

The best of luck to the brides - and you.

Lovely descriptions of the whole event, thanks Ivan. The fish fork sentence was classic too


Are there political moves towards civil unions?

oh that sounds like it was a wonderful day

I am so happy for them, it will be a wonderful day when any two people can marry legally

and it sounds like it was just the break you needed too

do people still use fishforks nowadays?

Sounds like a nice event - says the big wedding party allergic

Here in the Far North marriage is genderless, or whatever it's called in English. Any two unmarried people, not closely blood related, can marry regardless of gender. All rights and obligations are the same as well.

The marriage law was changed only a few months ago, and before that there were civil unions for same gendered couples with virtually the same rights/obligations as a marriage.

The big fuzz is of course religious ceremonies. Unfortunately religious wedding ceremonies are usually legally valid, and most of them exclude same gendered couples.

I think that the legal ceremony should be a simple kind of registration ceremony, and the the couple could chose if they wanted something else, as a ceremony by the sea, in a place of religious worship etc.. The latter just for the sake of it, and not as anything legally valid.

Thus much of the fuzz from churches etc. could be avoided.

That sounds like a brilliant idea, DQ!

Unfortunately, Germany hasn't come *quite* that far yet.

What a poetic description of a loving event. I am glad you and D are good friends. I hope things become more accepted very soon. That sounded like a very genuine loving couple who were meant to be together. Wonderful that the families gelled too. I bet that is rare!

I wish them every happiness, and you too, one day. That is all that (most) mothers want for their sons and daughters of whatever persuasion.

It cheered me up, thank you Ivan.



Websailor

That reminds me of the wedding I attended last weekend.

They all couldn't help but accept the gay couple, because, cliché as it sounds, they were the only two that could dance - and one of them was DJing. We had to watch 'em tango for a while before he switched to rock.

Thanks for dropping by, everyone - sorry I wasn't here to keep you company.

Tartaronne, Dragonqueen - I'm envious of the way the Scandinavian nations are so practical and pragmatic about same-sex relationships. I hope we'll get to that level one day, but it's going to take a while.

Kea, there's a lot of effort being put into law reform here. Last year the federal government removed discriminatory provisions from laws covering insurance, superannuation, immigration, social security... Everything except marriage. The last government refused to make any moves, the current government is split on the issue. The PM has stated that he doesn't want gay marriages to be recognised. If his deputy takes over one day, I think we'll have more chance of gaining nationwide legal recognition. In the meantime, Tasmania has a register of civil partnerships available; the ACT has something similar. Neither jurisdiction gives legal recognition to any sort of ceremony, and I think they both require at least one member of the couple to be a resident in that jurisdiction. (This is why M and K couldn't register here in the ACT.) The thing is, reforms like this always take time here. Homosexuality was decriminalised in SA in my childhood, in 1975, but NSW didn't follow until sometime in the 80s and Tasmania joined the 20th century just before the 21st century started. Now Tasmania has the best laws and SA is lagging sadly behind (which is another reason M and K didn't get married at home in SA). But we'll get there one day. We might even get uniform age of consent laws while we're at it.

Helly, I believe fish-forks are still used on ceremonial occasions. And when eating fish in expensive restaurants, which I never do.

Webbie - I'm glad you liked the write-up. I wish I could have caught more of the mood and the feel of the day. It was one of those rare electric ones where everything's somehow more real than usual. And I don't think that was just the red wine doing its job.

Mala, I'd like to be able to claim that all gay men are good dancers, but there are exceptions. Not that I can ever get D onto the dance floor anyway.