h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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Well I certainly don't hate it. It is interesting. Some problematic bits, I think. I don't want to rush into commenting before I'm quite sure of my opinion. It's thought provoking and that's usually a good thing in a poem.

Anyway I wanted to let you know that I read and enjoyed it and that I think it is far from rubbish.

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I'm afraid I don't have any helpful suggestions, just a fresh pair of eyes. I there is something disjointed about this poem. I can't decide if I think that is a bad thing or not. It interrupts a smooth reading, but there is a certain dislocation, physical and emotional, in the narrator, so it is fitting. I think it isn't working at the moment, but it could do.

The pacing is very much up and down. Parts of it are a bit bland, or confused feeling, not concrete enough, as though you didn't quite know yourself exactly what you wanted to say, which makes it a bit fuzzy.

There are a few awkward lines, like;

'Jumping out at me without the speaker realising he’s just one more corner/In this bloody labyrinth'

this is rather prosey compared to the rest of the poem, it feels like it got away from you a bit there, and 'he's' seemed oddly specific after you've used 'they' just a line before. It seems quite subconscious and freudian slippy.

But I love the last three lines. I love how they're laid out, how they read and look. And I love the oomph of the last line.

Sorry, I'm being a bit vague, I had to rush. I just finished work so I have to dash and catcha bus now. I'll be back later.

Thanks

Oh, I know what you mean about work writing itself and not knowing how to change it after. It is wonderful when an idea takes off, demands to be written and flows, pours, rushes onto the page. And just as horrid to come back to it and find that it has turned into an alien object, smooth and impenetrable, in the interval. Oh what fun writing is.

I'd like to Propose Back to Entry - nothing to see here.

<BB<

Seconded