h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

10.03.05

Bonnie asked me Monday and Tuesday what day it was or actually wheher I was going to work tomorrow. I explained that it was only Monday or Tuesday. She looks forward to the weekend because she wants to go on a road trip. She misplaced her glasses on the weekend and Ant found them today. The got knocked in to the washcloth drawer which is next to the shower in the basement.

10.06.05

Call From Dr. Reiner's office. Bill is past due. Told them I will pay them $10.00 next pay period.

10.07.05

Still remembers when I tell her we are going somewhere but had trouble remembering it is not tomorrow but next Saturday.

10.10.05

I am noticing that past week or so that Bonnie has been having a problem telling me a complete thought. I notice this about myself some times but usually it is finding the right word with me, with her it is more the action rather than the word itself. But if she works at it she most often can finally get the whole idea to me.

The loss of her glasses does not bother her. If I mention them being missing she does say she can't see.

While I was working on the bills last weekend she repeatedly came into my PC room and giving me a kiss and asking me if I was ready. I would repeatedly tell her we were not going anywhere. Even when I yelled at her she kept coming back and asking me.

10.12.05

Yesterday I spilled a cup of very hot coffee on myself. I got up and hopping about, trying to keep the hot wet clothing away from my body. Bonnie gave a quick short laugh and I struck her. She got very angry and tried hitting me back. I angrily told her that it hurt and wasn't something to laugh at. She denied doing so. A while later, maybe fifteen minutes, she went across the street to complain to Mary-Kay.

10.13.05

She would like to go fro a ride but if I promise to take her to McDonalds for a side salad she is all happy. The problem is she follows me around until I am ready. I keep telling her it will be a short while but she sticks to me like white on rice. I will try to see if giving her a specific time will work better.

10.18.05

Tonight Bonnie did not ask me to take her for a ride or out for a salad. She didn't appear to be upset. When she headed upstairs to bed I told her I loved her and she told me she loved me. The past 3 or 4 days when I gave her her cup of meds she took them without any argument or comment. She always has in the past say that she didn't want to take them and offer them to me.

10.24.05 Yesterday, Sunday, Bonnie slept almost the whole day. When I told her I was going to the her brother's house and later to a store she got ready right away but she didn't keep asking me the rest of the time to go on a trip or for a salad.

I took Ant to a grocery later and he must have told her we were going over to Mary's because when we got back, carrying in groceries, all she asked is why we went to Mary's. She made no mention of the time being gone or about us carrying in the groceries.

10.26.05

Still not asking me to take her anywhere. She made herself a TV dinner when she got up and one in the afternoon. Took her to Panera's for a treat. I asked her to find us a table and I would be over in a minute with her coffee. I don't think it was more than 30 seconds she came back. I took her over to the coffee area and poured her a coffee and asked her go back to the table. Fortunately her salad was ready and I was able to pick it up and take it to her before she came looking again.

10.28.05

This morning around five o'clock I awoke to Bonnie squeezing my toes through the covers. I turn on the light and she was facing a wall to the left of my bed. I asked her what she was doing and she replied, "hunh?" I repeated myself twice more and got the same response. Finally I told her that her bed was over there. pointing to her area. She turned aroung and went back to her area.

10.30.05

Woke up again around five. She had just sat down on my bed. I turned on my light and told her that her bed was over in the other area. She got up and walked back to her bed.

Today she was more her usual self of constantly asking me to go for a ride and to take her for a salad. She ate around 7:30 AM and again around 11:30. In btween she snacked on a Pizza and a burrito. Still around 1:00 PM she complained she was hungry. She also had a large glass of apple cider and then later poured her self another large glass which I took away and she repeated getting another large glass of apple cider which I took away again. I explained that it was not good for her to have so much but all she came back with is, "who said?" and "Who made you boss?"

A couple of things that have been happening but I forgot to mention - when urinating she doesn't use tissues each time and even a couple of times she didn't after defecating. Just as she never ever would go to bed with out a shower she would always wipe after herself. On one occassion after urinating she used about ten times the amount of tissue she normally would use and it clogged the toilet. Ant told me she was overdoing the tissues before but this was my first experience seeing it first hand.

Hi Mo

You have a lot on your hands with B., kids and bills. And you seem either stressed by it or on the verge of resigning.

Neither will do you or yours any good.

You cannot (and do not wish to as far as I know you) run away from the fact, that all the responsibillities and care for your family solely rest on your shoulders.

In my opinion you have to take it from there. Accept that it is your life and make the best of it - also for you.

A rough deal, I know, but even rougher if you should abandon ship, so to speak.

The problem, as I see it, is that you are worn out. Are on your last ressources.

1. You need space/time to reload during the day when noone craves your attention - work, B., children. I know you cannot 'disappear' for a long time - but could Ant not be responsible for an hour or so when you do something you like/enjoy: fishing, music, walking, working out, reading, pampering yourself? Oh I know all about how difficult it is to be egotistic (I don't succeed very well ), but it gives you energy, peace of mind and strength. You cannot 'give' constantly without getting something to give from. (I've just started on regular exercise although I think I haven't got the time - and it works - especially if it's done walking or jogging in the wood or in the countryside. Gardenwork also is good for quiet philosophy about the ways of a beetle, the resilience of grass...or whatever.) Good for putting perspective on the things that bother you.

2. Can you get help to not having to worry about the economy constantly.

3. Do something about your interests - learn something new, try and meet people that enrich you, notice smiles and people who are doing good, admireable stuff and shy away from complainers and whiners.

4. Get all the knowledge you can about Bonnies decease and how you treat and help her - and what you can expect for the future. Is there anywhere she can go and meet people. Is there a selfhelp group for the next of kin to people with this kind of decease? - with whom you can share your experiences, get some practical knowledge and with whom it is legal to vent your frustrations, and nobody will think the worse of you.

5. Don't get so frustrated that you strike anybody. It hurts both B.'s, the kids' and your selfesteem. And wounds to the selfesteem don't heal as well as wounds to the skin.

Mo, you have my mail adress. Write me any time. I check it every or every second day when I'm not out for a couple of days.

Really, do try and do something good for yourself. And then sit down and be methodical about what you want and what you'll do for the rest of your life - with the given opportunities. As if it is a new assignment.

I'm sending energetic vibes your way.

Hi there Mo

I really can't add anything to what has just been said by Art. I too can see your frustration & exhaustion.

I have said before that you must seek help from somewhere - is there anyone a bit older than Ant who could sit with Bonnie to give you a break? Try not to strike Bonnie - it will make you feel guilty & worse afterwards.

If only we were all there with you to help, but "ifs" are no good.

Sorry I didn't reply to your last mail - mum is still not well & hands not 100%.

Thinking of you.

Ooops still in halloween-clothes .

I'm tartaronne in disguise

Hi, Shirps

I guessed, but I really didn't want to address you as "tart" again

I try to avoid H'Ween type hysteria - boring aren't I? I just don't like how it has been so changed. It was originally a way to thank nature/mother earth ... whatever, for the bounty during the year & to "wish it a good rest" during winter. The death of so-called witches in the past is something that christianity should apologise for.

As for fireworks for Guy Fawkes - I thought he didn't manage to set off the gunpowder, therefore why do we have fireworks?

Hope you are keeping well....

quivering & shaking every time a bang is heard

It is only recently halloween has been imported from US/UK to this country. We have our own traditions for fireworks (New Year) and to disguise and go 'tricks or treating' a carnival-kind-of-thing (carne vale - goodbye to the meat) - the last Sunday before the fast in February. Next year it is 26th.

The 'witches' are burnt on the 24th of June, Sct. Hans' Day.

I only take part in the anagram thing because it is fun, I like playing with words. Otherwise I refuse to take part in "traditions" that are commercialised imported events - like halloween and valentine. We have enough of these commerce-induced days as it is Mother's day, Father's day and so on - which I don't celebrate either. I think one should express love, gratitude and generosity whenever the occasion occurs and not on a day some shops demand.

HI GUYS!

I am doing better. I am actually doing better. You are right about the hitting. As far as that go the yelling as well. I need to contain my reactions until I can sort the situation out. I will do my best on this. You are right about the guilt part.

What I mean about doing better is that I have more fully faced my financial problems and taken steps to overcome them. This is part of the reason you aren't seeing me here. There is a fine edge, it seems, between the brink and over the brink. I'm walking it and hopefully in a few short months will be in better shape where the finances aren't making me swing back and forth from whatever normal is for me and self-pity.

The journal helps as the more I put in the more I can see if there are changes. Then when I notice significant change I can pass the information to her doctors.

One thing - when you face the situations that someone you love is going through you appreciate what you had so much more and you realize there could have been more. You think you have a lifetime to enjoy each other but you don't think that the lifetime may be shorter than other peoples. Both of you seem to have already learned that from what I hear from you of the things you do with your loved ones.

Gotta go -

s & s

Mo

Good.

& right back.

Right on Mo

& 2 U

While R isn't watching ...