h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Do not deliberately go against the technician's advice; you are trying to resolve the problem, after all. Before calling a tech, read the manual. You had to flip through it to find the number anyway, right? One last thing: why call to install it if you haven't taken it out of the box yet?

Hey, this is a new thing. There are really other Tech Support people in the world? I thought the little room and the other 15 people along with me were the only ones left. Gosh I feel better about life now, kinda like "oh, well, that's all right then" sort of feeling.
Allow me, if I may, to add a few lines to the previous.

Please remember when calling Tech Support.

1. We didn't build the blessed things, we just get paid to try to help you get them to work. (If we had built them, there wouldn't be any need for tech support, the %^&%&^ thing would *(&& well work the first time.)

2. If you can't read the instructions, don't call us. Call a teacher learn to read, write, and be able to recognize various words and or phrases that are at least vaguely related to the product which you think doesn't work right. If what you bought isn't completely obsolete by then, take a few more classes till it is, then throw it away, get a new one, find out whether or not it works, decide that it doesn't and then call us.
(Hopefully we will have retired by then, and you can harrangue some other poor slob who now has our job.)

3. Remember also that a tech support person usually has a boss nearby. He is not allowed under any circumstances to admit that what you bought is a pile of useless junk. (whether or not it is, depends largely on who actually constructed it, and what kind of mood he was in at that particular time, which was probably several months before it got to the store where at you purchased it. Further, it also depends on the collective mood of the individuals who loaded that product on a truck to be shipped to the store where you purchased it, and the moods of both the truck driver, and the individual/s who unloaded it at the store, and finally the mood of the clerk which then removed it from the stock room and tossed it onto the shelf where you found it, and subsequently bought it.) The tech support may know after only a few minutes of speaking with you, that all is basically lost, and that the easiest thing for him to do would be to tell you that you're SOL, but he is not allowed to. Not without first doing everything humanly impossible to make it do something,(sometimes they're not quite sure exactly what that's going to be, but it'll be something) anything that might by some accident be similar to what it was designed to do.

4. If you have called the Tech Support department four times, and the thing still doesn't do anything. Do the techs a favour, please. TAKE THE DAMNED THING BACK!! IT'S BROKE!! FINISHED!! DEAD!! RUN DOWN THE CURTAIN AND JOINED THE CROWD INVISIBLE!! Of course if you don't want to do that (one and only sensible thing at this point), they will be (forced, gritting, and growling) happy to guide you through some further (completely useless and time consuming) steps in an attempt (to resurect the dead) make you totally satisfied.

5. If a tech support person begins to mutter to himself while on the phone with you, and then begin to take deep breaths. This is the first sign that you are SOL.

6. If he asks you to hold more than three times, after he begins to mutter to himself. Start trying to remember where you put the receipt for the product that isn't working, and hope that it has a good warranty.

7. This one is really true, and a good tech support rep. will practically beg you for these: There is no such thing as a stupid question! Every tech support individual as well as his supervisor will tell you that it is usually that question which you think will be stupid, if asked, will probably give the tech that one bit of information that he needed to fix your problem on the first two occasions you called and didn't ask it.

There are many more of these little rules to be used when calling a tech support department, but I'll leave room for others (and I hope there will be many, funny, angry, truthful, what-ever.)

TECH SUPPORT REP.S/SUP.S UNITE!!!!!
Let's have a few drinks, and some mental mirth, or just come and vent the spleen as it were.
D. Morrison

I am proud to say that I have never violated the 'tech support rules'. I got my Compaq through Radio Shack just this past January, and have been, for the most part, happy.

I can usually find an answer in the FAQ(not), or in the forum listings(more likely). And if not, they're always good for a laugh(when people get angry!). I've only phoned in once to Compaq tech support, and twice to my ISP. Both were regarding connection speed, and it turns out that it's the phone lines. The phone company guy said he was surprised that I got 26,400kbs! I had respect for those techers, but only Compaq had mentioned that being the problem.

But today the satellite guy is coming. We'll see if it works.

I work with high end network kit for a living. I am also a support engineer. I have gone through extensive (rare for the support feild) training to become an expert in my feild. Please trust me to know what I am talking about and follow my advise. If you try to push my product to do things that are beyond it's designed scope, do not complain that it is not working. I realize that you are young/old formally educated/built the internet with your own two hands (Hi Mr. Gore) more experianced than I will ever be/just out of training. Please have the info I need to help you. Please listen to my explanations. Please do not be combatitive when I tell you something cannot be done or is not supported. I will do my best to get your network running. If I do not know the answer I *will* find it out for you. I learn as much as you do every day. When I have a policy to follow, please do not ask me to subvert it. When it works please try to remember that when you are asked to rate my performance. If I help you after someone else try to remember that I solved your problem. If you do these things I have asked I will in turn do the following. I will help you to the best of my abilities. I will not give you erroneous info. I will research anything that I am not sure of. I will utilize the best minds I work with. I will always maintain a professional attitude. Let us learn from each other and we will both be better from the experiance.

Please. I did not mean to imply in any way that any Tech Support person, or his/her supervisor would ever blatently lie to any customer, or even engage in "misthruths". Why? Simply put, though it may seem that there are many customers dealing with any one company each and every customer has many friends, each of those friends have many other friends. So that if one customer has a bad experience with my company many, other potential customers have also had one, and therefore will not become customers.
No, all of the Support Technicians who work with me are dedicated to providing the best, and most honest, service possible to each individual customer. It is the only way in today's fast paced market place that any company, large or small, can thrive, or even hope to succeed. We, as a team, believe in our product/service and stand behind it as the best in the current market. If for some reason a customer is not satisfied with it. We will go to almost any lengths to provide the customer with acceptable technical support, or replace the product/repair the service with as little inconvenience to the customer as possible. If we cannot satisfy the customer in that manner, we are fully prepared to make a refund to him/her and assist him/her in finding a product/service more suited to his/her needs.
My statements were made in the vein of a "Dilbert" or "Python"ish position, and I made them to serve two purposes. A vent of various frustrations that I accidentally forgot to leave at the office, and in the hopes of putting something that might resemble a grin on the face of the reader.
So now I say to you in the great tradition of tech support personnel everywhere. "Thank you for calling and have pleasant evening."

P.S. If I have now vindicated my self on my (possibly) sloppily written expose (where is that little hash mark that I would like to put over that last "e" to give it that "ay" sound????) let me say that I had been put under the impression that this was not meant to be a serious, matter of fact, conversation, but one in a slightly lighter, less succinct (boy, there are a lot of "c"s in that word, I think I'll type it again just for the hell of it) "succinct" tone. However, if that was not the intended purpose, let me just say with all the heart felt solemnity that I can muster "OOOOOOPs!" and add that even though that "OOOOOOPs" was genuine this is the last piece in this conversation that will contain a 100% percent effort in honesty that I will post and I hope that a few more grins can be afforded both by, and to me. So just sit back and try to enjoy the ride.
D. Morrison

I must say that I was mearly adding my own thoughts to your post. My post was serious tho. I have been in support for a few years. Either from line support at the counter of a computer repair shop, or over the phone. Even if your post was in jest it inspired my rant. And a rant it was. I was at work when writing it. If you feel that I was in any way responding to your post, I was not. I was mearly expressing what the other side of the line has to deal with. I wish that more people would realize that we support types have to meet certain goals and that we will do our best to help you. My last post is a form of recovery to me. In my posisition I do get to deal with profesionals that usually understand what it is like to do what I do. I handle 100+ cases a month in a highly technical feild, and my particular area of expertise is a rather narrow feild at that. I tend to get tunnle vision. I have nthing at all against your previous views and I enjoyed reading them. They were made in a clear thought and I typed my responce without considering that it may be taken wrong. My apologies... At the very least we will all be able to get a better view of what makes the other side tick. In fact we can be friends just by being on the same guide. It is exactly this kind of exchange that makes me visit the guide 20-50 times a day. No worries, as my post was not aimed at you. Cheers, and let us learnn to read between the lines next time eh? Marv

Dear, dear, Cloughie
I am happy to hear that your Compaq actually works, to be sure, it is one of the few.
Day in, and day out, it seems that the techs in our little booths, where I now work, fight the Compaq battle on a daily basis. Between the Compaq Presario modems, and the Conexants our jobs are all fairly secure. Please be assured that your ISP and phone company alike have magicians working somewhere within their staffs.
To be blunt, but not overly insulting, you'd be better off shouting in the general direction of E-Bay than trying to connect with them via a Presario or Conexant modem, in more than a few cases you would be more likely to get a response that way.
In general though it is in the language. Basically the forementioned modems are adept at communication utilizing the X2 launguage, however when confronted by an ISP using only the V.90 technology,, well that's where the fun begins.
I note that you did have to communicate with the big three in internet support, I.E. 1. your ISP. 2. the manufacturer. 3. the phone service provider. You did get service, yet the glitch is that you shouldn't have had to go through all of that, it should have been that you plug in your computer, you sign up with your ISP, and you go online. That is the way it is supposed to work.
I myself have made some bad decisions in modemware. When I discovered that through some accident (I think it was a random thunderstorm in conjunction with a faulty surge protector) the modem in my e-machine, which up to that point connected faultlessly, had failed. I purchased (because it was cheap) a ModemBlaster manufactured for Creative Labs by Digisoft Inc. Nothing that anyone could do would make that thing connect at all. I say again NOTHING, and I say that as a pro in tech support. After all attempts failed I returned it to where I purchased it, and then decided to follow the general rule, in that, "you get what you pay for". I then purchase a Cirrus CLM modem from a local dealer, installed it, plugged in the phone line, and connected right out of the box at 46666, and have been nearly everytime since. Through the same line my father still connects with a Cardinal 33.6 modem at max nearly every time. Then I get customers dialing the same number I dial for this connection which has now been on for better than an hour and a half with no interruptions,(please note, my dsl line has not yet been installed. I am using a dial up connection, also attatched to this very same line that I am connected to at this moment are a grand total of; 5 (yes five) telephone handsets, and one other computer. (So bang goes the "Well you may be getting interference from that other phone you have on the line with your computer" theory) telling me that it's the ISP that's causing their disconnects, their slow connect speed and everything else. No. No. No. I want so badly to say to them NONONONONO, get a good modem, then you will connect (no modem strings necessary).
(Note also that Sprint only guarantees a connection of 19000)
These are the ones you see, the tech supports for large companies, who throw the blame for poor equipment off on someone else. I have recently ordered a Dell computer, I was unhappy to learn from Dell that the only two modems availabe for my system were the infamous Conexant, and the almost, but not quite, as bad 3com USR, (that's US Robotics, just in case). Needless to say I have another CLM waiting in the wings for it when it gets here.
Any one needing to have trouble getting connected to the internet, I will shortly have a modem available to give you all the headaches you could possibly ask for. (cheap).
D. Morrison

Three cheers for Tech Supports everywhere.
I need another beer.
I need another beer.
I need another beer.
"WHAP"!
Darn that loop, I get stuck in that too often.
Yes I am in total alignment with you Marvin. Marvin. Marvin. "WHAP"!
This is a wonderful place for all.
Though reading between the lines is not one of my better talents, (something I need to call "tech support" about I bet)
I need another beer.
I need ... "WHAP"
I will endeavor,, to find another beer. "WHAP" learn from this site.
D.Morrison.

Just a thought:
BECAUSE THE BOX IS DEFECTIVE, AND WON'T OPEN THE WAY THEY WANT IT TO.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry that should have been; Marv. Marv. Marv. beer. beer. "WHAP"

Well Cheers to you as well! Have a cup |_P
marv

For me it is Friday, I am appreciative of the cup, and in thirty minutes will begin having many more. Thanks Marv.
Bleep!
We're sorry, the person you were speaking to has suddenly become very silly. Please contact at a later date once we have reinstalled a semblance of order. Thank you "WHAP"

Several cups later.
Why didn't my fish work, or does it have to be facing a certain direction? maybe like that . No, that was a face, next ]_P please. ]_P and another ]_P.
D. Morrison (this is fun.)

Sorry, I really don't mean to be "hogging" this conversation.
I must say, however, that there was a time not to long ago when I wondered just what those () were for. Other than mathmatical use. I have though (as I'm sure you've noticed) found a great (if annoying) way of incorporating many of them into a single paragraph. I must be careful though, as my fingers have just discovered {} and [], look out proper sentence structure here I come.