h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Sausages in Sauce

An ages-old recipe, best enjoyed at the time of year when the trees are fat, the birds are high, and the sun is swollen like Louis Armstrong's cheeks (one of them, anyway) in the night sky. Or when you can't be bothered to cook anything else.

Ingredients:

Sausages. (Cheap variety. Very cheap. Meat content unimportant)
Sauce. (Any old sauce, sweet & sour, curry, bbq, chocolate, apple, chicken in white wine, doesn't make any difference, it'll all taste the same in the end anyway - see And Finally)

Time to Cook:

About 5:30, when there's something good on telly.
Or just before going to the pub.
Could try just after going to the pub, but only if you're an expert in these matters, which you're not, trust us.

Length of Cooking:

Guess. Add 5. Take away 9. Throw a dart at a clock. I said CLOCK.
DO NOT follow suggested cooking times or methods on sauce jar or tin.
(What do they know anyway, they're not cooking the bloody stuff).

Cooking Method:

Take sausages. Cook. Grill, fry, microwave, bake, roast, toast, or show to
a light bulb preferably until black on the outside and pink in the middle.
Put sausages in sauce (this can be in a pan, a pint glass, the sauce can, a
sandwich maker or a nice cleavage, anything handy really).
Warm sauce until warm.

Serving Method:

Serve. Overarm for increased power and accuracy. On a plate, or in a
bowl, or simply leave in the cooking receptacle and spoon out. (Or fork.
Or use fingers, chopsticks, ladles, shot glasses or again, anything handy really. If that
cleavage is still hanging around, see what you can do with that).

And Finally:

DO NOT ENJOY. This isn't gourmet cooking, not even close. Couldn't be further. Enjoyment is wasted on this, save it for a nice juicy steak, or that cleavage that just won't go away. Where did it come from anyway? Bloody cleavages, sneaking in everywhere, no manners, should all be bound and gagged or...sorry, back to the recipe.
Repeat: DO NOT ENJOY. It might taste vaguely edible now, but trust me, you're better off ignoring it as you'll only bring it all back up later anyway, thereby bypassing any marginal nutritional value that may have leaked out of the Super Saver sausages you've just failed to cook properly. Still, look on the bright side, if you do throw them up, at least it means you've had a skinful, and have the added bonus of avoiding potentially fatal food poisoning from the aforementioned Super Savers sausages of doom. Alternatively, you may just have contracted a nasty dose of potentially fatal food poisoning, in which case, you didn't use, see, smell or even imagine this recipe. Right?