h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I Don't do Technology!!!


There are few things in my life that have been shiny and new when they have come into my home. The very first of these new and shiny things was an entertainment centre comprising of the following: A television, on which the people were larger than ants, a video that didn't burp and sound like an express train thundering through my room, a dvd player that opened its drawer when asked and played anything that was shiny and cd shaped, and finally a stereo that was no better than the one I had had before and wasn't half as loud!
It took me six months to finally get this new equipment into my home due mainly to a screw up, known then as my 'friend' who vanished with £700 of my money. I finally found a company that promised to deliver 2 days after we ordered it all, and my previous experience told me this was going to be unlikely. But, true to their word, two days later a large truck manoeuvred itself outside my house and two young men exited and wound their way to my door. I spent the rest of the day arguing with my mother about the instructions for the stand, which were in Japanese, and hooking everything together.
Eight days later, the TV blew up. I phoned the company and they eventually came and took it away to repair it. It came back after a week with a clean bill of health and I continued my Buffy marathon. A couple of weeks later, during 'Checkpoint', I believe, smoke emerged from the back of the TV, I pulled the plug and the smoke dissipated, although the smell of burning TV took another three days to go away.
They took it away and told me they were going to fix it. I told them I wanted a new one. They told me 'No'. I argued and their technicians told them it would be much cheaper to give me a new one as an expensive part had burnt out and it would be cheaper to replace the TV than fix the one I had. I got my new TV, but my excitement gland was well and truly burnt out!!

Three years have passed since that incident with Samsung and a lovely delivery/removal man who tried to set me up with his friend who he claimed was the spitting image of Alyson Hannigan, alas, being agoraphobic and profoundly stupid I never met this apparent stunner and remained single.
I decided that I should invest in a new computer as the one currently residing in my house (known as 'The Ancient') is at least 300 years old and the hamsters inside providing the movement have either died or their little legs have seized up and they are now frozen in time. With all the computer knowledge of a cornflake, I knew I would be needing some help so naturally; I turned to my best friend. He willingly and generously agreed to go shopping for a laptop that could survive both my mother and the internet.
We settled on a date, Sunday 24 April and he toodled off to the local Luxembourg sized PC World near my home. After a couple of false starts and a hiccup or two, he, along with my parents arrived back at home armed with boxes, parcels and carrier bags galore. At this point, most people would be showing some degree of excitement, but not me, thanks to my previous technological disasters, I am immune.
The packages, boxes etc contained the following:
A shiny, sexy laptop that smells a little funny. A printer that came as a surprise as I wasn't expecting it. A floppy disk drive so that I may transfer files from the Ancient to the new. (I'd do it via cd drive but alas, the hamsters are no longer capable of running and writing that fast simultaneously.) and all the various paraphernalia that accompanies computers and internets.
With much excitement - on Xanders part - we fired up this new contraption and installed the basics before sitting down to a hearty meal where Xander ate an entire sheep as we had fewer people than expected for dinner.
With the belching and snoring part over, we marvelled at how pretty the new computer was and proceeded to waste our time playing games. As the sun set, Xander managed to heave himself out of the chair, much to the delight of the cat who leapt into his place before his rear was completely out the seat. I spent the remainder of the evening trying to convince the Ancient to surrender all my pictures and files and in a blur of floppy disks and lost minds, they all made the journey.

On Monday, I took it upon myself to install the printer. A little after midday I set myself up on the kitchen table and took the box containing the printer to meet its new friend. Placing the printer box on the top of the chest freezer, I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the jargon-fest I was certain I'd find. My first surprise came when I found that there was one, yes, just one piece of tape sealing the box, a piece of tape that came off in one swift and easy action. I had a rummage around and found the instructions. Now normally, I take the instructions and throw them straight in the bin, they do not pass 'Go' and do not collect £200. In this case, I wrestled with the plastic they were in and received my first paper cut as they twisted ungratefully from their plastic prison.
I made a large mug of tea and read them carefully, both surprised and extremely grateful that they were written in 'idiot English'. Having read them twice, I returned to the box and examined its contents. I found the printer, a paper support, some ink cartridges in a vacuum sealed plastic thingy, a power cord and the relevant software. I scratched my head, trying to figure out how I was going to connect it to the computer itself. Lightening then struck my brain and when the fire was out, I remembered being told that the USB cable doesn't actually come with the printer but you are forced to buy one separately. A stupid notion designed to make us spend more money. Thankfully, the relevant piece of wire had been purchased and so I fished it out of the case and laid it alongside the other components. After checking that there was no visible damage to anything I proceeded to hook it all together.
This is what happened:

STEP ONE: UNPACKING.

1. Remove contents from box. Remove all tape and packing material from printer.

Check. Piece of cake. This is easy!

2. Attach the paper support and plug it in.

Done - helpful illustrations ensuring I didn't snap the pegs on the paper support by trying to force it in the wrong way.

STEP TWO: INSTALLING THE INK CARTRIDGES:

*1. Press the power button to turn it on.*

2. Remove ink cartridges from protective bag.

A lot harder than one might imagine. Vacuum sealed bags are tricky when you have little space to cut and very large scissors. I started by using my teeth, the only success being the cut on my lip. I fetched the kitchen scissors and finally removed the plastic.

3. Install cartridges as shown:

Here are many detailed pictures showing me where to put the ink. I look at pictures and compare these with printer in front of me. In the picture are little compartments in which the ink is to live, on the printer is a large gap that is compartment free. I scratch my head, drink the rest of my tea and put a tissue on my lip that is still bleeding from stage two. I study instructions and printer while eating a mini roll. Still none the wiser, I text Xander who tells me that it's obvious where the ink goes, I tell him I don't have the 'obvious' bit and smoke a cigarette whilst sulking.
I then start at the beginning of the process. I unplug everything and plug it back in, following the instructions to the letter. At the start of 'Step Two', I notice an important step I had missed previously, marked above with * . I sit down heavily and hold my head in my hands. I press the button and learn that by actually turning it on, the compartments where the ink lives come shooting out from the right hand side and offer themselves up to the cartridges.

STEP THREE: INSTALLING THE PRINTER SOFTWARE:

This is the bit I have been dreading but it was totally uneventful and over in moments.

One final stage and I was free to print myself into oblivion.

STEP FOUR: LOADING PAPER:

Here there are many pictures, all of which are a little confusing and one single note that reads: "To adjust the left edge guide, hold down the locking tab and slide the guide against the paper stack."

I fetch some fresh A4 paper and place it in the designated gap, moving the 'left guide edge' against the paper stack as instructed. The paper becomes offended by the audacity of the left guide edge and flies out of the printer. I collect it all back up and return it to the slot. This time it stays put.
I open a new document on the computer and type some random and senseless sentences so that I may test my printer’s ability to print. The computer informs me that the printer is ready and so I click on 'print'. Next to me, the printer growls and grabs all of the paper I have offered it, greedily gobbling it through but not actually printing. I scold my printer for being so greedy and put the paper back in the top. I turn back to the keyboard and lose my cursor, it returns after some coercion and then goes on a lunatic run across the screen and refuses to listen to me. I smoke another cigarette and swear quietly under my breath. Once the cursor has burnt off its excess energy, I repeat the printing process again. For the second time, the printer takes all the paper and leaves nothing behind. I then realise that I must be the one at fault and return to my instructions. This time studying each image closely and matching each place in the picture with that on the printer. I realise that I haven't put the paper close enough to the right guide edge and slap myself in the head after correcting my mistake.
I then repeat the process for a third time and the printer immediately springs into life, doing exactly as asked with minimal noise and no mess.

I sit down and gaze at the clock which tells me in its own unique way that is now past 1. An hour has passed since I started this very simple task.
I remind myself that between the ages of 6 months and 8/9 years, I was blonde and blame my silly mistakes on this. After all.......

A blonde is for life. Not just for Christmas!!

Hi ASL Plz

Hey you,

What ya 'asl'ing me for ya daft Am I really that easily forgotten???

Where ya been?

Willow

Who is this and why do you keep popping up on my convo list

Hope all is well Will

(I just moved house and can't even retune the telly...)

Just another weirdo on the string of life that has us all hangin about like worms on a hook!

You get the beers in and I'll retune the tv!! Where'd you move to, far from where you were before?

Will

Well I've been gotten by fishhooks...twice...

..and in houses...far away from fishing...so someone out there has gotten it into their head that I'm a work

Sounds like a plan ! I should be able to do it, I've done it before...whether or not I can do it before Mythbusters is on tonight is a whole 'nother question

Only moved about 10 minutes away from my other place...which means it's closer to the boy's place, but further away from the pub...oh well, there's new pubs to try now !

Oh Yes Willow Sorry completely forgot must be my brain need alcoholic fuel

You don't want to get too much blood in your beerstream

No I Dont Blood Is 100% proof and that the way its gonna stay lol

So many new and exciting adventure to have!

The boy?? Is he new?



Alex..... ya daft tart, am I really that easily forgotten? See, everyone in my life forgets about me until they need me, then its all back to me.

Mmmm...went to trivia last night. You know the best thing about trivia ??

BEER

Oh it's been on for young and old here in tanzenland...and the fact that we keep missing each other just means there's all the more to catch up on...the boy's been aruond the last 16 months or so