h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was stuck in hospital for three days, with no internet access.

Best overheard/misheard medical thing: "So, you'll have had your bacon enema today."

Thing I most wish I had misheard: "We're going in through your crotch".

When I arrived at hospital I had no idea why I was there. I'd been told I was going to have something called a "Lateral Angiogram", but none of the folk I asked had much idea of what that was. I didn't actually get an explanation of what they were planning to do to me until I was lying on a trolley wearing a hospital gown.

Basically, they were going to stick "wires" down the inside of my legs, squirting tiny dots of dye as they went, and take pictures to find narrowed blood vessels. If they found enough of them, they would stick different "wires" down with balloons on the end to stretch them.

I was told it would probably take about an hour. They obviously "found lots of them" 'cos I was "under" for well over four hours.

The end result of this is that two days on, I still have a sore throat. The plastic breathing tube really inflamed my windpipe.

The low point was when I gave them a "proper" coffee bag with the instructions "Put this in a cup, fill it to the top with boiling water and let it cool to drinking temperature before you remove the bag". They followed my instructions to the letter, except... They started out by adding "drinking temperature" water, took the bag out immediately, then thought this "dishwater" would be somehow improved by the addition of milk. It was my only proper coffee before my operation, and it was truly disgusting.

Oh, and I was ripped off by the newspaper seller. I told him I needed a non-fizzy, sugary drink. It *must* be sugary. He offered a bottle of "Oasis". I asked him to look at the ingredients because I didn't have my reading glasses - was the second ingredient "Sugar"? He peered at it, nodded and put it on my bedside table. I paid him £1.60.

Almost as soon as he'd walked off the ward I spotted the little band that said "Low Calorie soft drink with sweeteners". The problem was that I wasn't allowed to eat any solid food after 7am, and as I'm diabetic I needed a slow infusion of glucose to keep me conscious - I was allowed to sip on a "flat, sugary drink" up until 11am. Except that [Expletive Deleted] lied to me and sold me a drink that would have no effect. I ended up having to get nurses chasing around to find apple juice.

While I was away, I watched an old episode of "Hot in Cleveland" and three episodes of "True Blood". When I got home I watched "Beautiful Minds - Richard Dawkins".

Welcome back Peet. Bummer about the drink - sorry about that. Hope you are better than you were last Thursday.