h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Right, I've decided I may as well run for mayor. I hope I can garner some support from the limerick crowd, (those of you who aren't running yourselves!) This is my nomination address, and all I have to say to the other nominees is Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
I, Merkin offer my services to the good people of London, to be their Mayor, beacon of hope, and general despot.

My main qualifications are:
1. I alliterate, Mayor Merkin, you see, trips off the tongue.
2. I live in London (not necessarily an advantage, but my PR team will be making the most of it)
3. I have no sense of "moral purpose", "third wayness", "Back to Basicsness", or any other moral standpoint

Policies:
1. Compulosory Limerick training for all under 5's
2. Compulsory conversation on the underground (MUCUS)
3. The filling of the Albert Hall with custard
4. Cockney Rhyming slang and Latin to be the official languages of the mayoral office
5. Bombay Duck to be returned to the Indian restaurants of the capital
6. I think that's enough for one term!

Promises:
Don't be silly, I'm a politician

Threats:
If you don't vote for me I'll:
1. Sulk
2. Join my revolutionary brothers and sisters in their struggle against the oppressive illegitimate mayoral system, demanding the formation of a Citizens Collective Council
3. Plant bombs everywhere

Enjoying the limericks enormously. Run for Mayor? Now there's an idea... Have you read Talking on Trains yet (A177707)? Just plugging my prose...

Excellent stuff. I have been campaigning within these pages for more conversation on public transport: http://www.h2g2.com/A122077

Aha! Mucus is *exactly* what the British public need just now. Best of luck! Planning to post the MB sketch here in two weeks - will that be after the elections? If so, I'll try and get it there sooner. The world needs a case study for the perils of silence.