h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Okay, I don't know what it is, but lately I've been having the strangest dreams. Not your garden variety "Crap, I'm standing in the middle of school naked," although I dreamt about my French class awhile ago. Ironic...the first time I see Julian and Annie this summer, and it was in a dream.

As for this one, this dream was from two nights ago, but it was so bizarre that I still remember most of it. (Technically, it should be on my "weird dreams page," but I'm too lazy to go update my site right now).

[Artistic liberties have been taken, but the following events are as close to what they were in my dream]


It starts in my dojo, although there may have been some dreaming before this. I don't remember any of it, so this is the Official Start of Eveline's Freakyweird Dream. Right. I'm in the dojo. I'm practicing my weapons forms as I often do in reality, and watching the other students practice theirs. I see my friend Kara using weapons that, in retrospect, don't look at all familiar. They have a half-moon shaped blades, and Kara is jabbing, slicing, swinging them back and forth confidently, the way she always does. I identify them as kama in my dream. In reality, kama are basically hand-scythes; you use two silmultaneously. Kara finishes practicing, as does everybody else because class is over. For some reason, I stay in the dojo awhile longer. I worry that I'm keeping my parents waiting.

When I finally leave, it's a half hour or more later than I usually leave, although that is only comparatively speaking; time has no meaning when I dream. My entire family is in our minivan, and as we leave the parking lot, I see my friend Tim driving a Papa Murphy's pizza delivery car (Papa Murphy's does not deliver, by the by). I wave at him. I look out the window. We're driving in what appears to be rural Oregon, although it's nowhere I've ever seen. Large, green sprawling fields alternate with wooded areas. My dad wants to take a shortcut, so we do...in that he drives off the road, over a fence (with no apparent damage to our ten year old Toyota minivan), through a field, through another fence, through a wooded area, through another fence...and so on.

Of course, there's no way that The Long Arm of the Law will let us off the hook for such a heinous act, and eventually a police officer comes after us. My dad's not worried not worried in the least, but I am slightly alarmed. "Dad," I say tentatively, "You do know there's a cop after us."

"Yeah. He'll give up," is my dad's only response. Lo and behold! The police officer halts his pursuit and drives off.

There's not much driving left to do. We arrive in what looks like a seedy, run-down version of the Enchanted Forest (a cheapo amusement park in my area). The inhabitants are being subjugated by a dark-haired aristocrat. What am I doing here? It's downright unpleasant. I don't want to help these people, why are they drafting me into helping them gather food?

Come to think of it, this dark-haired aristocrat looks familiar. I can't quite place him...he's enigmatic and slightly evil in that way that makes young girls' hearts flutter with a forbidden yearning.

[Ooh, God, I love being cheesy. In any case, this part of my dream was fairly melodramatic anyway.]

I think I've upset him, helping his vassals. Oops. I'm in no mood to be captured or imprisoned. Of course, the most obvious course of action available to me at this point is...turning into a hawk. I take on its shape, at least in appearance only. I take wing, much to Mr. Tall Dark and Evil's chagrin. I know that his men will be following me, but at least my unexpected metamorphosis and escape will buy me some time.

I like flying. A lot. Why wasn't I a hawk before now? In any case, I have no time for regret -- Mr. Tall Dark and Evil is still in pursuit, goshdarnit! I spy my friend Sarah Jane sitting at a food vendor's booth, and I land...obviously she'll protect me. She needs a hawk, anyway. I perch next to her and pretend to be her hawk, doing my best to mimic the blank, predatory stare and jerky head movements of a mindless raptor.

Mr. Talldarkandevil arrives in the market place. He approaches Sarah Jane, stopping to admire me, her hawk. Pretty bird. He pets me. I jerk my head around periodically, doing my best not to look at him, not to focus my eyes on one object too long in a way that would distinguish me as human. I notice that I'm wearing a short pastel green dress with a line of tiny buttons down the back, despite my current hawk-shape. No, it doesn't look anything like a hospital gown. In fact, why didn't I wear a dress like this to my winter formal dance?

Mr. Talldarkandevil starts unbuttoning the back of my dress. Umm. He knows it's me, doesn't he? What do I do now? The cat'll be out of the bag if I react...but for the love of all that is good and holy, he's unbuttoning my dress! MY DRESS!

Thankfully, he stops before he undoes the sixth or seventh button down (they're very close together). He leans in and kisses the back of my neck. Ooh, he's real good, but I'm not that easily fooled. I ain't twitching, bub.

Before I completely blow it, Sarah Jane whispers that I can come away to her kingdom (of course she has a kingdom, don't you?). She whisks me off, and we arrive...but what's this? The kingdom consists of a dingy, dark, nasty motel room and a barren field/parking lot outside. I bet there's not even a Bible in the dresser drawer. Sarah Jane sadly explains that they've had some problems with radiation and nuclear experimentation lately. Well, that's a gyp. No matter, at least I'm not with Mr. Talldarkandevil any more. And I'm not a hawk any more.

And with that, I wake up.