h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Part I: Doom

I must write a 3000-word paper by Friday and do two chapters worth of homework and notes. I have practically none of this done as of yet. I don't know if I'll have anywhere near enough time to complete any of it, let alone all of it. On top of that, I still have to buy some Christmas gifts (I have a few bought already, but I'm by no means done shopping).

Part II: Gloom

I turned on the radio just now, and there's a Radiohead dirge. "We suck young blood." Strangely, the gloomy sound cheered me up a bit. Maybe I was just marveling at the sheer brilliance of Radiohead. Man, those guys really know how to write songs. And play and sing them, of course. I was really astounded by the transition from the one part of the song where they rock out - you know the one if you've heard the song - back to the dirge with the mournful wailing and rhythmic clapping (what's it sound like - funeral procession, dead man walking, chain gang? It's hard to place). I'll bet anyone here that Thom Yorke is knighted before he retires from music.

Part III: Padding the Journal So I Can Get on the Longest Posting List

No, I'm not really padding the journal. Part III is really dedicated to a short comment on the White Stripes.

I'm still waiting to here exactly what took place between Jack White and Jason Stollsteimer (the lead singer of the Von Bondies). According to Stollsteimer, White hit him seven times (he was counting?), but White claims it was self-defense (no word on whether White got hit). Anyway, Stollsteimer's bruised, but OK, and White's presumably unharmed. The fight was at a theater, by the way. Pretty strange. So my questions are these:
1) What really happened?
2) Is it a crime to get in a fight? That is, assuming it was a fistfight, has Jack committed a crime by winning?
3) Is it a crime to strike someone? What constitutes assault? I would consider repeatedly striking someone (as Jack White reputedly did) assault if it were a deliberate attack . . . which is a bit hard to define.
4) What's going to happen to Jack White? I mean, if Jack's telling the truth, he was attacked, so he beat the guy up. If that's all, I hope they settle this (aside: looks like Jack settled it pretty well ) without any litigation or criminal charges.
5) Are Jack's hands okay? His chording hand (I think; maybe it was his strumming hand) was injured in an auto accident; I would think that punching a guy in the face seven times would leave whichever hand(s) he punched with a little worse for wear.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.