h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

* ....... of Wonko's uspace a heavily disguised shambolic figure lurks*

Hello sorr, oim 'ere on behalf of a cloient of moin 'oo'd prefar to remain discrete if sorr gets moi drift

Oi 'av been authorised to advance you generus compensation fer the job discussed and moi master 'ud like to make yew the following offer

*hands Wonko a letter which names 10 rare, powerful and fabulous objects*

1. A hand tailoured coat of Mithril Armour

2. An ablative defense shield with Nanite regeneration facility

3. An open ended expense account at the Supervillains Weapon shop F71367?thread=133744. Book anything you like on the account of Random Mayhem, Inc

4. The sword of power known as "Shieldbreaker" once it has been retrieved from it's present loanee.

5. A "Tasp" - a delicious little device that stimulates the pleasure centres of your opponents brain. The feeling is so intense it wil incapacitate anyone for long periods of time. It is so compelling that it is normally only granted to individuals for short periods of time so that you are not tempted to use it on themselves if you get my drift

6. A "molecular knife - a black metallic rod about 10 inches long and 5 inches in circumference. When you press the on switch it deploys a mono-filament - a wire one micron thick but with extremely strong molecular bonds - it can cut anything, and I mean anything, and will never dull.

7. A hand crafted BlackStar Terminator snipers rifle - an evilly attractive rifle with a radical advanced bullpup design. With personal body armor becoming increasingly common this baby evens the odds a bit. It features a linear magnetic acceleration system which hurls the 0.5 cal round out to around 500 feet before the self-contained propellant ignites to drive the round to extreme velocity before it hits its target much like a rail gun. This rifle delivers such a huge slug at extreme distances that by the time the enemy is aware of your position, half of them are already ex-enemies. It comes complete with a multi-optics weapon sight, barrel stabilizer guard, gas compression recoil system, integral folding bi-pod and indicator windows which will allow you to determine how many shots / energy is left in each reload as well for easily keeping track of your ammo as well.

8. A legendary "Dial-a-Gun" which is a formidable personal sidearm and is the definitively versatile weapon. It's intelligent pro-logic capabilities allows it to select an appropriate response to any conceiveable situation. It's Chameleon technology will convert the gun practically instantaneously to a variety of modes including various projectile and energy settings together with some special circumstance functions. In manual mode you can select from over 100 different guns. It is auto-programmeable, enabling it to cease the specifications of any weapon you encounter that is not in it's database.

9. Alabaster Night Vision Goggles and Goo Intensifier Sprays (to enable you to avoid detection on H2G2 by any but the most sensitive and sophisticated detection systems.

10. An Imperial "Flamelance" - a much feared weapon from the wars against the Grosthezian Empire and is composed of a 6 ft silver haft, topped by a large Ruby crystal finial. The mithril scrollwork hides a variety of controls that are easily mastered. Charged by sunshine or by energy cell it can deliver a penetrating beam of energy or a wide blast of lesser but still deadly power.



Moight oi wait fer sorr's response ?

... and what is 'da job'?

A matter arv grate delicacy sorr

It involves one arv yor brethren oo' as been a very norghty boy fer wot oi've 'eard. Ee' goes boi the darft name o' 'Is Divoine Shagger or summat loik thart. Oim led ter believe that yer knows this feller.

As yer'd agree a commishun arv this nature demands a substanshal fee and oi think yer'd agree that moi boss as been a paragon ov generusity.

Do we av' a deal sorr ?

yar. we do.

Oim delighted and oi'll be pleased to relay the glad toidings back ter moi master.

Oi am further authorised ter inform yew that it be understand that the payment is non-refundable and in anticipation of yor acceptance of the commishun we took the liberty of organising prompt payment ..... yer'll foind the weaponry is being delivered as we speak.

*the rumble of heavy trucks marked with the logo of Random Mayhem Inc can be heard outside*

We wish you the very best of luck in yor forthcuming engagement and 'ope that our littke *ahem* "donation" might be helpful

*dodges back into the shadows and slips out of the thread*

*thinks about the tasp...*

*a tall pale figure glides into the thread and speaks with a whispering ethereal voice much like the sigh of tall grass in a gentle wind*

I bring the final installment of your commission - the Sword known as Shieldbreaker. My customer wishes to remain nameless but I believe he is known unto you.

Much trouble and difficulty has gone into the retrieval of this particular artifact and the details of the quest for it's return and it's provenance can be found at F13781?thread=357482.

Our mutual acquaintance would appreciate a report on the progression of the contract at your convenience.

aye, thank you.

all I can say is we're battling in a cave, him with some 'energy net's, me with monofilament, and I'm preparing my trap. although I missed a chance to get him for good with the monofilament.

My client wishes to know whether the contract was successfully executed. I believe humans call this a pun. I do not understand this but my client seemed to gain some amusement from the phrasing.

*stands quietly awaiting an answer*

The target didn't quite die, but the combat did... it just... died? He and I both gradually slowed down...
However, an army under my command (Legions of Hell) will soon be attacking a group with him in it (Helsing), so I may have another chance.
I did beat him in a God War, though... does that count?