h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just for a change, something a bit more cheerful

I've got a gig!

I'm going to be famous again! Or at the very least, have a bit of fun.


Well, put it like this; I'm going for an audition with one of the local theatre groups next Thursday evening They're looking for someone to do a poetry slot at their forthcoming junket to one of the WI's Christmas do's, and I've been asked to take along some work.

And apparently, the WI are braordminded.....H'mmm.

I'm hired, (apparently) before I meet up with this Group.

Now; whether thats because young Hairy Andy has been doing a bit of surrepticious P.R.-ing about his friend's mum to his colleagues, or whether its because there arn't many folk in this locale that'd admit to reading, let alone writing poems, OR they're just desparate to find someone willing to get up on stage and strut their stuff, is a moot point.

It doesn't matter.

I've got a five minute slot to fill and rehearsals to attend, and a fully fledged excuse to kit up and be a touch glamourous


To hell with fame.

I'll settle for just that. I'm not proud. I didn't enjoy being A Face much, when I was a Face; it always felt a bit odd being recognised by strangers. But I do enjoy sharing, and I do enjoy the buzz of getting up on a platform and turning words into images and entertaining others

And... I do, also, rather enjoy the after performance parties.

That'll do nicely, thanks

Wow, that sounds fantastic with it!

Hiya Rich
Ta! And don't worry, I will have a lot of fun with it! I could knock fun out of a paper bag if push comes to shove

Would value your opinion, actually... nip over to my Guide Entry about Santy and the Magic Cats and have a quick peek, if you've a minute, would you please?

: A2133190

D'you reckon I could get away with that for the WI (bearing in mind a majority of them are likely to have been Mums at some point in their lives?) Because it takes exactly 5 minutes to read out!


OR should I sort out a selection of pomes alluding to sex, wry observations on life...and probably a bit of Social Awareness ranting?

I know I'm about the sort of age of an anerage WI member (and I know which set I'd prefer to do, too) but I really ought to consider what the audience wants.... it's their "do" after all!



Nice of you to drop by! Don't be a stranger.

Ev, I didn't know I had been conversing with a 'celebrity' - *bows and scrapes*.

I loved your Santy story. I can just see children sitting wide eyed as you tell it, but I am not sure about WI members. My last encounter with the species was when I gave a talk, which most of them seemed to enjoy and find interesting, except for one old dear who sat in the front row and "purred' (snored) throughout. Most disconcerting. At that time I hadn't got your bounce or I would have made sure she woke up with vengeance

Go on, give 'em something to think about and remember you by, and keep them awake. You will either end up with a book full of 'gigs' or be ostracised for ever ....

Websailor

Dunno about a celebrity Websailor; but it earned me a few bob, a lot of free beer and I was head hunted by both the local grammer school to do poetry and drama workshops for their pupils and stand in for the English teacher when she went in to be dried out and a professional theatre company as a performer (I thought they wanted me as a writer at first, but nope) during the time I lived in Eire.

It was fun.

It amazed me, too - but then, there's no accounting for taste.

H'mmm. So something a little more racey for the good ladies of the WI then?

Trouble is, I always think Jam and Jerusalem, despite the fact that I know damned well the WI isn't like that any more. They're the only members of society who have sucsessfully silenced Mr Blair after all.

I'll have a rootle around my portfolio and if you could bear it, copy out a few more I'm thinking of doing on "here" and get a bit of feedback. I may do a couple of the pomes I've already put on site (Non Communication is a good performance one) but I've around 500 to choose from.

I really ought to get stuff sorted out in good time for Thursday as I have the dubious pleasure of having another set of injections into my spine on Tuesday (its laughingly called "Pain Relief" - and in a way, they're right; it's lovely when it stops) and I'll be in stig on Wednesday

What was your talk about, btw?

I've done a talk to the nearest Exeter equivalent of the WI that wasn't the WI, if that makes sense - a similar local group. I talked for about an hour about being a pilgrim, and they were very happy. I did one of these talk things with slides, and they seemed quite receptive.

What you have there is great. I presume you think they will want you for longer than you expect iot will take, so perhaps you could talk a bit about Christmas stories in general before delivering your own? If the people there are Mums and Grandparents, expanding it beyond one story into something like 'Christmas Storytelling' might be of more interest to them.

It is, however, a fantastic story; one I'd love to hear told first-hand

Thats half the reasen why I asked about the story - by the time I've done the spiel and warm up, the acutal spot is very likely to take longer than the 5 minutes, people invariably want to ask questions (or heckle or banter...) and you also have to take into account the "clapping" if you want to put on a professional sort of performance.

Honest.

I'd timed one set I did years ago for 20 seconds to set the scene for it,60 seconds each poem and 10 seconds appreciation; after the first three, I explained to the audience that I'd be obliged to stay sitting looking at the for a couple of minutes if they didn't start putting their hands together between pomes which got a laugh - and plenty of applause thereafter! I ended up making a show of timing it and cutting them off after that.

It's *horrible being the first one on!

And there are other acts in this show; being a newcomer to this group its probably not politic to push my luck too far the first time I'm invited. I enjoy watching all the dramas/personal politics/power plays backstage in an Am Dram group - but its a tick off being the object of them - all that creative energy being disipated into petty rows and whispering - Yuk!

But its fun to watch

Congratulations ev
Sounds like a great opportunity to do more "on stage"
I'm sure it'll go down a treat!!

The talk was on endangered wildlife and the trade in wildlife goods, accompanied by slides and a case full of contraband!!

Perhaps just a hint of something racy and see how it goes! I am sure you will be asked back again.

*Curls up with duvet * to hear about 'Santy Claus' performed out loud ...."Are you sitting confortably then I'll begin"...... Aah! those were the days!!

Websailor

Sal!

Blimey Webby (is it alright to call you that?) AND Rich - I'm more than a tad impressed by both of you; lectures and slides and stuff.

I don't think I know enough about any subject to do an hour's lecture - teaching isn't the same as lecturing - I used to rely heavilly on the class joining in (which might be cheating, possibly, but it worked most of the time!)

I've been going thru some stuff - some of them are atill on the backs of old envelopes, so I've spent the best part of the day trying to decipher my scrawl and get them into Word so I can print them out, properly

Would this one be suitably racey, do you think?

WISH LIST


Find me a man who doesn’t complain
‘Bout the length of his penis or girth of the same
Find me a man who won’t turn off the light
Who is confident; happy to roger all night

Find me a man who is sure of himself
Who doesn’t get fussed ‘bout the state of his health
Find me a man who can get most things done
With a smile and a laugh, who makes working hard fun

Find me a man who’s kind, loving and funny
Who isn’t all angst about Housekeeping money
Find me a man with few hang ups and fears
Who’s not fazed by emotion, both laughter and tears

And if you can find one and he has a brother
You can have one and I’ll have the other


*************************************

Or is penis not the sort of word I should bandy about at a WI do?

Or this?



SOMEONE LIKE YOU

I have been searching passively
For someone like you for most of
My relatively adult life.
Someone equal to me in
Mind, spirit and emotion.
Someone I can accept unconditionally
Who I don’t want to change
Or be changed by

What a bugger it is that
Someone else found you first!


Or this?


PERKS

There is a little known advantage to wearing contact lenses:

You may well bed an ugly man occasionally; but you never
Have to wake up and see one


**************************************

I shall have to ask my friend Dex the Techie if there's a way of making a CD "Talking Book" type thing for that Magic Cats story I think; now *there's project to toy with...and possibly earn a few bob, as well

Perks sounds like a fantastic one to open with; maybe you could weave a little conversation around the other three? I think a little raciness would go down perfectly with the WI, myself.

The consenus is for racey then lads -

That suits me fine They're much more fun to perform - and I can adapt the number I do, depending on how well (or badly) I'm received. I'll probably be able to get in 4 or 5 plus a bit of spiel...

Ho hum, its back to the Word Programme to cull out a couple more.

I may be some time......

Thanks for the advice - I'll let you know how I get on I think we're doing it 12th December.

It's to call me Webbie, most everyone else does, or WS, and I have been called a lot worse

Racey it is then! They really can't complain when the Yorkshire WI 'gels' did a semi nude calendar a few years back which sold thousands of copies and raised oodles of money for charity I believe!

I think their Jam and Jerusalem image went out the window with that one!

with it anyway and do let us know if you got a standing ovation or were thrown out on your ear.



Websailor (aka Webbie)

THe WI's censure has rather paled into comparison, now I've been told about the bloke who's in charge of this shindig; apparently "He's about your age Ev" young Hairy Andy tells me (which is a euphamism for "oldish"< I think) *and he's never bought a vinyl, a CD, a video or a DVD in his life*"

This leads me to suspect he's either
Tight as a tick
or
A miserable b***ger


Oh well. I'm committed now; or maybe I will be - either way, I'm goingto do racey

Add to that can't (won't) use a video, dvd player, mobile phone and has only recently come to terms with an old fashioned telephone, and that's PHM too .

I'll leave you to work out which one he is<somersault....... You'd be with raunchy though .......

Websailor

>>Add to that can't (won't) use a video, dvd player, mobile phone and has only recently come to terms with an old fashioned telephone, and that's PHM too<<

Oh dear.



Still.... it does you good to have a laugh, doesn't it

If I didn't laugh I would cry. He has scarcely spoken a word today, and I have no idea what is the matter. If I ask I shall get my head snapped off, so I have just left him to wallow!!

Saw our Goldcrest again four times today. Such a treat, as we haven't had one before as far as we know.

Gotta I have some to do before tea.

Websailor

He sounds *just like my last live in Webby- nothing instrinsicly wrong with 'em... but then, not a lot to write home about really. I decided I preferred the single state, so I walked, but each to their own.

Having said that, we've remained friends. Its nice when he visits occasionally, but then, he does make the effort to be reasenably cheerful and socialiable when he does - or I just ask him to leave until he cheers up a bit.

Unless of course, he's got a *real reasen for being miserable. I'll listen then, do the shoulder bit, offer him several solutions, give him a pep talk.....

...and THEN I ask him to leave

Wicked arn't I?

I did the first part with the first one, but definitely not the second part. Can't remember the last time I saw him thank goodness.

I am stuck with this one for the duration. His emphysema and bronchitis is probably behind it but he wouldn't admit it! Macho till the last, or he thinks he is . He is still barely speaking so at least I have for a while.


Websailor

Yeah... but arn't the silences terribly *loud* on occasions? They drive me up the wall!

My last one had medical problems - but they were resolvable; one was sleep apnoea, which roughly means severe, loud, arrythmic snoring; it can be potentially dangerous too! He just couldn't/wouldn't be arsed to get his act together, and although it was the least of his problems, it was the straw that broke this camel's back

Like I said to him "Sleep deprivation (ie, mine) is banned under the Geneva Convention mate"

Even when I slept downsatirs on the sette, in the room furthest from the bedroom I could *still hear him GGGAAARRRUMMMPPHHIINNGG:ing away. It was absolutely dreadful really, but I laugh about it now.

Even the cats had bags under their eyes; honest

4 years after I left, and a further girlfriend later, who left him for the exact same reasens I did, he is *finally sorting his health problems out. He now wears one of those oxygen masks which keeps the pressure of air against his throat even at night. Apparently.

Men can be very foolish- and very stubborn sometimes can't they?