h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Dear Mrs S
Please come back to the British English sequel. We need all the help we can get, and the madder the better. At the moment we're trying to come up with a suitable explanation for "fits you to a T" and possible synonyms for toffee-nosed, which I do assure you we're not.
(Several of us have similar diet problems)()

On my way there, but I promise nuttin!!

Not even a description of, or a recipe for a "fig newton"?
Brit. Eng. is always on the lookout for experts and new words or explanations / derivations of old ones. (Words that is - not over the hill, blonde, cat fanciers, but they're welcome too. Just hope there aren't too many around to take offence and retributive action.)

A fig newton is a cookie...though some argue that it's cake. I think you might call them fig bars over there...they're very yummy!!But not too very bright.

If I wasn't busy worrying about wrinkles and taking care of my cats I MIGHT have taken offense to that by the way!! But then again even if I wasn't busy with all that, being a blonde...I'd never notice it anyway. I think??

That's the trouble with women, they're always smarter than they let you think they are.
Fig newton.
Ah ha! Sort of figgy paste / puree / compote in a slightly / very flattened tube of something a bit like shortbread only softer (you can tell I can't cook). In the UK (well in England, at least) they are fig rolls although the chance of their rolling anywhere is approx nil.
Our cats say "Hi" to your cats.

Did I do that?!?! I suppose a Fig newton (or roll as it is there) COULD in fact roll if you mushed it up into some sort of spherical type thing. I find it much better to eat them though, mind you I can't even do that, so what's the use. Two of my cats say hi but the other one is very very rude and isn't saying a word. I must teach her etiquette!!

She probably disapproves of your associating with poor people who can only afford two cats. Mind you, both of ours are wealthy enough to afford replacement fleas every time we clear them off.
There's no justice.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh that must be what it is....my cat is jealous!! She doesn't have any flea-replacements AT all. Could you ask your cats where they got them??