h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Okay. So I started feeling better long about yesterday afternoon around 3. I went to kickboxing and had a great time. Eddie (the teacher) used me for demonstration purposes and wound up kicking the crap out of me. It sounds bad, but it's kind of a badge of honor to be used as the demonstrative assistant and he never hurts you bad enough to do anything more than bruise you. Anyhow, I had a great time and left feeling better than I have in a long time.

Then I got home and there was an "Out of Area" number on my caller ID. Which means Andy. Which also means he didn't have anything good to say or he'd have left me a message, which he didn't. I haven't been that enraged in a long time and let me tell you why.

He's going to Italy. He's asked me to go to Italy 4 days before the trip when tickets are $1,500 and there is no way I could go. He's making me feel like crap and I'm tired of it. I should say right now that I have PMS so there's not a whole lot he could do right, but he knows I've been sick and he didn't call. He's leaving for Italy for 10 days and he didn't call.

I'm tired of this crap. Supremely tired. I love him, but I need to pull away. It's so obvious to me that he doesn't need "more space". He needs a family. He needs me there. He needs me on his side and to love him and he needs to fall into my arms and forget about the world. I understand why he's afraid, okay, but here I am just waiting. I'm waiting here to love him, to support him, to do the best I can to be everything he needs and what is he doing? He's sitting across the ocean sending me guilt trips. All he has to do is ask. That's all he has to do. That's what people do. They meet, they fall in love, they get married.

I am so sick of being told that because lots of marriages aren't working out these days, ours would be bound to fail. You have no idea how many people have implied this to me. The attitude appears to be, "It's hard work. Why try?" You know, lots of Andy's musician friends have gotten married and then divorced and his point is that every one of them had a relationship that they thought would last. So yes, people do think that they'll last forever and they don't. But, forgive me, but Andy and I aren't PEOPLE. I, definitely, am not PEOPLE. If we were people we would never have met, we would never have lasted this long. Some people meet and decide to be together forever and then it falls apart...but some people meet and decide to be together forever...and they're together forever. I am not PEOPLE and I'm tired of the stereotype. I know what I want and if he'll have me I will never ever leave him.

I'm not banking on when I'm 35 or 40. I'm banking on when I'm 85 and I can't really move anymore, turning my head and seeing the face with the shadow of the young boy in it that stuck with me through everything and knowing that I've loved. That I've been loved. That's what matters to me.

Pardon my exquisite french but f**k that noise. I'm tired of feeling bad because he can't make up his mind. I'm here if he ever decides that he's done being lonely and living a life that's not going anywhere, but I'm so SICK of feeling like he needs me and I'm supposed to be doing something and I can't.

I'm not going to tell him it's over, because I don't want to. I don't want it to be over and I'll fight it being over until I'm dead, BUT, I am going kickboxing. I am going out on the weekends. I am going to live my forking life, and if I happen to meet someone sweet and funny and willing to commit to me then, OH WELL.

I really believe that Andy and I are soulmates. My soulmate is being a, pardon my french again, pussy, and I'm tired of waiting for him to grow a backbone.

He's got to get it together. I can't go on like this. Period.

You couldn't be more right if you got possessed by Rush Limbaugh.

you know it is possible to obtain drugs sneaky enough to allow the conducting of spinal reconstructive surgery with a minimal memory of former backbone........what i'm saying is...if you need any *favours* (no i'm NOT having an epileptic fit....that would be what i believe is commonly refered to as a "wink") i..could always..err...make a few err...calls....(to my evil labratory of DECEIT and CRETION!!!!)

*hugs*

I do hope things start to work out. Let me know if thre is somethingi dan help with.

Perhaps a little vacation?

*pokes Krissy* Ya know, beetle, maybe a vacation is just what Krissy needs. Not your standard flying vacation, but a more avant garde sort of... in the basement for three days with all your provisions and no one knows where to find you and you can sit down there and watch the news reports about how everyone is looking for you vacation. Because Krissy could SO pull that off. She's so cool I actually can't stand it sometimes you know.

That's an excellent idea. Spending a week on a raft in your basement under a light bulb....

Brilliant!!

Oh and Krissy, I don't think 'f**k' and 'pussy' are French words, but I haven't studied the language in nearly a decade.

C'mon bud! Cheer up a bit!! Or something!!!

KM: the strange thing is that I AM occasionaly possessed by Rush Limbaugh. I have to spend, like, 3 days in the bath washing my mouth out with soap afterwards though. I also think you are cool and perhaps you should be the one to kidnap me and we'll ransome me off for millions of dollars to Donald "stoopid eyebrows" Trump.

I'm afraid you'll have to make a ruckus in the media so he feels compelled to pay up...then we'll all bugger off for some island and live like billionaire friends who were smart enough to screw Donald Trump out of billions of dollars.

Beetle: I do need a vacation, but I went to the beach yesterday and that helped a lot.

tree: OH YESYESYESYESYES!! I would like to purchase los drogas from you if you have all those schnazzy connections. I am SO out of extra-strength Tylonol if you know what I mean. *convulse...I mean wink*

It's one weekend after I wrote that post above and I think.. what I think is... I used to say that I could let him go, I just didn't want to and couldn't deal with it. I think I'm beginning to deal with it. This situation is just redicumous.

That's what i was thinking of, a couple of days in a local hotel with a pool, a vcr, and a small stocked bar.

Well, I threw a big dinner party this weekend and spent more than I had, so that helped. I just hate hate hate the back-and-forthness of my feelings. One minute I'm okay and then for no reason the next I'm horribly depressed and doing terribly.

I don't like it or understand it. And I don't know what Andy is thinking, so I think I may have to go off of my own needs which most likely means that I'm just going to have to give up which is not what I want to do.

See. It doesn't matter where I am. My brain is going like that 24/7. SUCKS TO THIS THIS SUCKS. :-p