h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Cow Jokes

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What did one cow say to the other cow? "Don't have a Bart, man!"

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What do you call a cow that had an abortion? Decalfinated.

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A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y." "But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked. "None survived the branding."

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There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."

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An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today." The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night." "Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose."

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A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." - Jake Johansen, a local comic

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What do you call a sleeping bull A bull-dozer.

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There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd. The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

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What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef

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From the Far Side Calander: Picture is a courtroom with a cow on the witness stand. "Look. We know how you did it. How is no longer the question. What we now want to know is 'Why?'. Why now, Brown Cow?"

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Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull. A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?" Frank says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them." The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian." A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our bull doing now?" Frank says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows." The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?" Frank says, "He gave him some pills." The banker says, "What kind of pills?" Frank says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."

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A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumour comes around that the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the field discussing this. The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows." The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next year and get some of the new ones." The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys so I'm not giving any up." Finally, the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation, the biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them. The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I think I'll give him twenty of mine." The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine." They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he should give up some cows too. He says, "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"

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New York Times: May 30, 1911 (P. 3) Biplane Strikes Cow Aviator Falls From Seat And Machine Drags Across Country For Miles Los Angeles, Cal. May 29 [unreadable name] Williams who is trying for a license of an air pilot, struck a cow while sailing a biplane yesterday, and was hurled to the ground by the shock, while the machine was driven a distance of two miles without a pilot. Williams was flying about ten feet above the ground. Suddenly, as he passed over the brow of a hill, he came upon the cow, grazing peacefully. Some part of the machine struck her, knocking her several feet and turning her over and over. Williams tumbled from his seat, but was unhurt. The machine was finally halted by a haystack. When friends of Williams in an automobile reached the machine the propeller was still running.

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New York Times: Oct. 17, 1911 (P. 5) [Cal Rodgers was the first person to fly across the United States and thus attracted the curiosity of many people and other life forms who had never before seen a airplane. Rodgers' machine was specially built for him by the Wright Brothers and looked quite similar to their machine at Kitty Hawk] Rodgers Is Delayed By Engine Trouble Aviator Stops at McAlester, Okla., and Will Start for Fort Worth, Texas, To-day. Much Amused By Cows Rodgers Sees a Herd Watching Him as He Passes Overhead -- His Flight from New York By C. P. Rodgers (The following is an excerpt from a longer article) It was amusing to see the people running out to see me. They were on top of everything that had any elevation. This is a good flying country, fairly level, although there are some places with odd patches, which caused me to fly higher, so as to plan for landing. Passing a field with four of five cows in it, I noticed that even they began to stare at me. It seemed funny to me, for it is usually hard to attract a cow's attention with anything.

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From a Reuter bulletin: Twenty-two pregnant cows worth more than $2,000,000 were electrocuted in a freak accident in England when lightning struck a metal pen they were housed in. "I have heard of odd cows being struck by lightning, but never this many in one go before," said chief herdsman Les Timbrell.

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The largest source of methane in the atmosphere is gas expelled by bovines (cattle) during excretion.

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A Colorado State University animal nutrition professor named Donald Johnson has been studying cow flatulence for 20 years, and has determined that the average cow emits 200 to 400 quarts of methane gas PER DAY, resulting in a total annual world cow methane output of 50 million metric TONS! Don't light a match around a cow and never allow a cow inside your sleeping bag!!

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The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has reported that burping cows are the number one source of air pollution in the United States. EPA test results show that American cows blissfully belch 50 million tons of hydrocarbon into the air annually. However, the EPA estimates that if a way existed for controlling the hydrocarbon-rich belches of just 10 cows for 1 year, enough gas would be provided to satisfy the space heating, water heating, and cooking requirements for an average American house. A veterinarian has said that since cows produce up to three quarts of gas per minute, they NEED to belch. Otherwise, "If it can't burp," the vet said, "its stomach can explode within the hour." He was referring to a story concerning a New Zealand farmer who purchased a cow, which he and his family were admiring, when suddenly, without warning, the cow "exploded before their eyes, spattering into a million bits of flesh and bone and drenching them all in blood.

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I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooo!" Like we expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car! How can he afford that?"

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Deviant Sex in the Rural Setting (from a misc.rural posting) I wish to try to weave these various sex threads into the rural fabric. Yes, sexual deviancy pervades the countryside. First, there are all of those lesbian cows. Every 21 days or so, sexually mature, non-pregnant bovine females shamelessly lose control of their carnal passions; they come into estrus, in heat, or on heat as the British would say. When there is no bull to requite their desires, cows can be observed mounting each other in the dark recesses of the back pasture or right up by the roadside, in front of God and everybody. The cow which stands for another to mount is deemed to be in heat. At this point, the farmer has 12-24 hours to enter the game if he wants his cow to become pregnant. In times past, he would drive or lead old "Bossy" to his own or the neighbor's bull. Farm boys have many jokes about this. In one case, the small boy explains to his teacher that he is late to school because he had to take the cow to the neighbor's bull. The teacher asks, "Couldn't your father have done it? "Yes, but Dad's not registered." When there is no bull, sex around the farm really gets weird. The farmer, (are you ready?) picks up the telephone. He calls his neighborhood inseminator to join the fun. The inseminator arrives with semen that has been collected at a bull stud in a manner that would have the religious right tearing their hair if it were ever on the local newsstand. In times past, a cow kept "hot" with hormone injections was used as the object of the bull's affection. Because the hand is not the only thing quicker than the eye, the bull sometimes slipped one past his handlers and actually penetrated the cow. Because of the hazard of transmitting sexually transmitted diseases, we called them VD in olden times. "Hot" cows were discarded in favor of other sex-objects, animate and inanimate. It is enough to make one blush, but often one male is used for the "donor" to mount after a little foreplay and teasing. As the bull mounts, the handler grasps the bull's sheath in one hand and guides the bull's erect penis, or male member if you prefer, into an artificial vagina which consists of a hard composition outer shell some 10cm or so in diameter with latex liner filled with warm water and suitably lubricated. When the bull has had his pleasure, in a manner of speaking, the ejaculate is drained into a collection tube at the end of a latex cone attached to one end of the artificial vagina for the purpose. The volume of the ejaculate is measured, and thesemen diluted and frozen in vials or straws the latter developed by the French at a bull stud at L'Aigle, Normandy. Now, for you who have had trouble handling the Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual thread, I thought it worth pointing out that even dittoheads in the Bible Belt depend on all of these alternative lifestyles and more to keep the mortgage paid. Wes Combs, Ph.D. Academic Advisor, and Consultant in International Livestock Development
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Why didn`t you put each one of the jokes as a seperate posting that way it would move the posting list along toward the 10000
If any one else has any jokes to cheer up the resident spook then send them in..
the joke that the votes as the best of the week wins FREEBIES
in THREAD 5 so get the jokes in make the spook laugh..

Cuddly the jokes are very .

Marc Have you received the photo I sent you by email. I had to send it black and white to make it easier to access.


Kat

marc never thought of that lmao i just curt n pasted the whole page lol..hope ur well ill find sum more jokes laters long as it puts a smile on ppls faces

That cuddly if she had brains she would be dangerous



REBs

hi rebs fancy meeting you here

hi rebs fancy meeting you here

hmmmm rebs u cheeky bugger lol.. hope ur well ..

hya jinty hope ur well aimnt spoke 2 u in a while n s

Hi, Cuddly, Jinty, Rebs

Rebs, I am still waiting for your email!


Kat

Jinty like 2 ships passing in the night



Cuddly we fine hun me thinks


s and es to you both


REBs

rebs please give me your phone number then i could phone you every morning and night you sex symbol you lmpo
jinty

anything for you dearest you know that





REBs

i cant wait till we have those under cover convos


i said under cover not under the covers
jinty

you nearly fused me pace maker then hun


PHEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!




REBs

Hi Jinty and Rebs

Rebs I sent you an email did you get it?


Kat

rebbs long as ur ok ? lol... ive been busy buying little tiny baby clothes still lots to get lol tc spk soon n

wheres that damn not doing his job i see

REBs

Hi all

Rebs your box is working again and your sense of humour is never switched off
regards to Di