h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

SHEEP JOKES!



(A tourist approaches a shepherd. The sounds of sheep and the outdoors are heard.)

Tourist: Good afternoon.

Shephrd: Eh, 'tis that.

Tourist: You here on holiday?

Shephrd: Nope, I live 'ere.

Tourist: Oh, good for you. Uh...those ARE sheep aren't they?

Shephrd: Yeh.

Tourist: Hmm, thought they were. Only, what are they doing up in the trees?

Shephrd: A fair question and one that in recent weeks 'as been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.

Tourist: Nesting?

Shephrd: Aye.

Tourist: Like birds?

Shephrd: Exactly. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior.

Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their 'ind legs. Now witness their attmpts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet.

(Baaa baaa... flap flap flap ... whoosh ... thud.)

Tourist: Yes, but why do they think they're birds?

Shephrd: Another fair question. One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin'.

(Baaa baaa... flap flap flap ... whoosh ... thud.)

Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their 'eads, there's no shiftin' it.

Tourist: But where did they get the idea?

Shephrd: From Harold. He's that most dangerous of creatures, a clever sheep. 'e's realized that a sheep's life consists of standin' around for a few months and then bein' eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep.

Tourist: Well why don't just remove Harold?

Shephrd: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds.



SHEEP ON A DESERT ISLAND

A cargo ship was sailing across the sea from Spain to New York with a shipment of animals for a local pet store. They saw an island and decided to land and see if it was inhabited. As they were sailing up to the shore, the waves suddenly shifted and sent the ship plunging into the reef. The only survivors were a man, a sheep and a dog. The man survived on the island well enough on wool from the sheep for clothing, food from the plants on the island, and companionship from the dog. This wen on for quite sometime, when the man started feeling his...uh..."manly urges" arising. He ignored them for awhile, but they eventually got too strong to bear. He was looking around for some way to relieve these urges, when his eyes fell upon the sheep. "Well, no one will ever know" he thought. He caught the sheep and started "performing the deed", when the dog came up and attacked him. He ran off and the dog stopped. When he went for the sheep a second time, the dog attacked again. This went on for awhile, until the man finally accepted defeat. He climbed to the top of a cliff and was about to throw himself off, when on the horizon he noticed a sailing ship heading his way. He signaled for help, and the ship prepared to land on the island. Just as it was about to, the waves shifted again and threw the ship against the reef. The man could hardly believe it! But, he looked down on the beach and saw someone pull themself out of the water and collapse there on the sand. He races down and discovered it was an absolutely gorgeous woman. He administered CPR on her and soon she was revived. She was so happy to be alive, that she looked at him and said "For saving my life, I'll do anything you want." The man looked at her with growing excitement. "Anything!" he exclaimed. "Anything your little heart desires." she said. "What'll it be? What do you want me to do?" The man looked at her and said, "Here, take this damn dog for a walk will ya?"



TWO GUYS A HOLE AND A SHEEP

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?

You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!

Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My sheep was chained to a railroad tie.



COWBOY AND SHEEP

There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at the ranch. He was out of work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride, and went to the other ranch in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch.

They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep. The first night he was there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said. "It's time for your initiation!"

Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall, they were a bunch of sheep tenders!

So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other guys lined up waiting. "Go on,"
they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"

"Huh?" he said.

"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real man."

Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he really needed the job. So he squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind the shed. After a moment, the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."

A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants, to see the other guys all laughing at him.

Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said, "Was I not supposed to screw the sheep?"

"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly one."



Artificial Insemination
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

ta for the jokes just read them..lol..

Very good cuddly

mmm very good joke..x