h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

News - New Zealand Prime Minister Helen Clark is visiting Washington this week. She has meetings scheduled with George W Bush and top officials in his administration. She is the first NZ Labour Prime Minister to be invited to Washington in 30 years.

The Oval Office. Silhouetted against a window and framed by two Stars and Stripes flags, the president sits at his desk. To one side is a world map, with various regions shaded red. The label "Evil Empire" has been amended with blue marker pen to read simply "Evil". An aide is pointing to the lower-right-hand corner of the map.

Aide: It's right down there, Mr President, over and down a bit from Australia.
President: Australia, okay. And they're not evil, right?
Aide: No, Mr President, not evil. Well, maybe a tiny bit evil ...
President: Huh?
Aide: They're the ones that don't want our nuclear-powered and armed ships in their harbours.
President: What's their problem?
Aide: They're nuclear free. Been that way since before your father sat in that chair. Apparently it's a very popular policy down there. Even our friends haven't been able to change it.
President: Nuclear free, hub. That does sound quite evil. Can we attack them?
Aide: No, No President, they are our allies.
President: They are our evil allies. That doesn't make sense. I thought I made it pretty clear - you're either with us or against us.
Aide: They did send some troops to Afghanistan.
President: What, now you're telling me they're part of the al Qaeda terror network of Osama bin Laden that is the face of evil in the world today?
Aide: No sir, they sent troops to help our troops. They're on our side.
President: Okay, so they're Northern Alliance, that explains it. A little bit evil but on our side! Got ya.
Aide: Never mind. Look, their Prime Minister is meeting you in five minutes. We need to go over some of the issues that will come up.
President: What's he like?
Aide: It's a she, sir, the Prime Minister is a woman.
President: Woah there, cowboy. I knew we'd liberated the place from the evil Taliban regime which harboured terrorists who are the single biggest threat to freedom and democracy in the world today, but I didn't think they'd gone that far. Does she wear one of them sheet things over her face? ;
Aide: Mr President, New Zealand is not part of the Northern Alliance. However, its government does include a coalition partner called the Alliance which is strongly opposed to our war against terror and to lifting the ban on our nuclear warships entering their ports.
President: Well, maybe we should pick 'em off with one of them tactical nuclear devices.
Aide: Sir, our information is that they have destroyed themselves anyway. And it will be most impolitic to speak about tactical nuclear devices with the Prime Minister of New Zealand. With respect, sir, the last thing we need right now, what with Mr Cheney just back from the Middle East and the situations in Israel and Kashmir, is the leader of the free world threatening to nuke the democratically elected government of a loyal ally of the United States.
President: Not all of them, just the evil ones ...
Aide: No, Mr President, I really must insist.
President: All right, all right. Sheesh. Ever since that axis of evil thing you're all on my case. What am I supposed to talk about, then - the weather?
Aide: Do not go near global warming, sir. Free trade. They're big on free trade. Really want to sell their apples and their lamb and their butter to us.
President: And their steel?
Aide: Oh yes, and their steel.
President: Tough cheese.
Aide: Yes, that too.
President: Want want want. All we ever hear. What do we get?
Aide: You might like to suggest that New Zealand reconsider its anti-nuclear policy and he welcomed back into Anzus.
President: Anzus? Sounds like axis!
Aide: Australia New Zealand United States. It's an ... alliance.
President. Against evil?
Aide: Sort of. It's a Cold War thing. We froze them out after they went nuclear free. Now it's just Australia and the United States.
President: So we want to put the N back between the A and the US.
Aide: And the Zee, sir, please.
President: You got a problem with my language skills?
Aide. Nothing of the sort, Mr President.
President: Okay then. Let's go meet this lady ...

Applause.

You have a real talent Looney - you should write sketches for a living!

Wonderful as ever Looney!! Hear! Hear!
BTW, do you know G.W. personally? You sure seem to have him on spot.
Luna